I have never poured my heart out to anyone telling everything that I feel and thoughts and rarely tell anyone my problems, I don't know why but there just seems to be a wall so tall I can't reach out to them. I mostly hide my depressive thoughts to everyone by wearing a mask not showing my sad depressed face. I reduce frequency of hanging out with friends and any social interaction when I'm tired, not physically but mentally. I am an introvert, but I really like hanging out with some really close friends of mine, but have reduced it these few days due to the rising depressive thoughts lately. The higher the level of depressive thoughts, the harder it is to wear the mask, and the harder it is the more tiring I feel. However I do feel left out if I didn't join hanging out and feel a distance growing between the more days I didn't join hanging out.
I am certain that I am unable to tell anyone my problems, to my family is because I don't want to burden them with my problems and I don't think they'll be able to fully understand me and create unnecessary worries for them. Friends will listen to all my problems and even give me advice, but is it because they really care? I doubt it, I personally feel they are just curious. My observation is when someone tells others that they have a problem, the reaction will be "what happened?" or "do you want to talk about it?" not "are you okay?", and after listening to all your problems they give an advice, and done. Is that care? I don't think so, there are some friends that I think will really care for me when I tell them I have a problem, but I also can't tell them because I feel that they won't be able to really understand my feeling. I know, how would they understand my feeling if I never told them, and how would I know some actually really care if I told them my feelings, the answer is, I just know. Most of the time it's because I feel that my friends and family will not be able to understand my problems and judge me instead, I know it's not nice to put it like this, but I don't think they have the capacity to fully understand my problems. I do want to visit psychotherapist/psychologist but have no courage to do so, I don't know why, it just seem scary.
I have been sleeping very late these few days, around 3 a.m not because I can't sleep, but because I don't want to sleep. Part of my stress is related to my work, therefore I don't want tomorrow to come. I totally have no problem going to sleep, the moment I go to my bed and close my eyes I will be asleep, but I don't want to. These depressive thoughts stay with me disregarding day or night, it's just that during the day the depressive thoughts are mixed with pressure and self blaming. I just want the night to stay longer, and maybe the day never comes. I do feel better writing blogs like these for I know nobody knows me, therefore I won't be judged and I never expect any care from the strangers therefore it doesn't really matter.
If anybody here feels the same, just know that you are not alone. I can't be there for you, but you're not alone, also new hobby helps out a lot to take things out of your mind. I just started learning mining and trading cryptocurrency and is helping me to have some escape moments from those depressive thoughts.
