The winter season is a time when many charities ask for donations. Some ask for money. Others arrange opportunities for the community to anonymously adopt a family and provide some clothing and toys for children. I usually try to pitch in, but sometimes fall in that trap of over-extending myself financially and mentally. Then I worry about the donations I make - Is this enough? Is this the right gift to give? What if this is not exactly what they wanted?
My partner pointed out that my worry and feelings of inadequacy surrounding this activity was not exactly beneficial. Wasn't I supposed to feel glad to help? Why am I concerned with what strangers might think of what I am able to offer? They do not know my life, or my financial situation, so why am I going for the Overachiever of the Year award in trying to be perfect for people I don't know?
“I know what I have given you...I do not know what you have received.”
― Antonio Porchia
I think part of my discomfort comes from my control issues. I give a gift to a stranger, and the result is out of my hand. I must trust that the gift arrived. I must trust that they really did want the items they requested, and really did need it. And I must trust that if it is the wrong thing, or the wrong size, they will use the gift receipt included with the gift to get something they can use.
This giving from a distance is quite odd. I barely know what would help my family, who live quite distant from me. With strangers, it is even harder. And the societal pressure to not show that anything is lacking is quite strong. In the days when I was using needle and thread to sew up holes in my socks, I would have been embarrassed to tell anyone that I thought buying new socks would be a luxury. During those years I sold my books, many dear books, to buy spaghetti and sauce rather than going to a food pantry. Eventually, I got myself on more solid financial footing, but the edge is still a little too close for comfort.
Those very lean years, coming up a little short in between paychecks, may have played a part in the guilt I feel around the holidays. In the back of my head, I'm imagining the families served by the holiday charities much in the situations I was in, but worse. In giving a gift to them, am I really trying to reach back and take care of the me I was so many years ago?
“Sometimes I just want to paint the words "It's my fault" across my forehead to save people the time of being pissed off at me.”
― Christina Westover
A peculiar kind of thinking can grow out of a fear of being perceived as not enough. You come to think you are missing something that would make people like you more. And that need to be liked and accepted can lead to a lot of odd behavior, and a lot of self-neglect. It can lead to relationships with people who agree that there is something wrong with you and that things are often your fault.
I was lucky enough to emerge from such a peculiar state of mind, and realize that I am not bad with people. I am very cautious of them. I am not a fumbling, ill-equipped person. I am usually very capable and quite precise with my movements. I do not need to go chasing the approval of every person I meet. My respect for myself is the only respect I need.
And giving a gift to a stranger in need will not save that person, or the me of the past. It is a way to be grateful for where I am now - able to spare enough to buy a pair of new jeans from a store for someone who needs them.
Sunrise. Photo by me.
