As many of you know I have been struggling with pain for years and have had an adverse reaction to pain meds. Well, the pain has gotten too great again and I have been to pain management again and prescribed new medications to my dismay. I also suffer from clinical depression, seizures, narcolepsy, and now night terrors as well as sleep apnea.
I've always had some sort of depression that I was able to deal with until my last divorce when my wife cleaned me out and took my boys away and then it turned into clinical depression when mixed with my pain issues. I dealt with it all for two years. I turned to self-medications (crack and coke) to numb the pain before finally getting my medical card which was going well.
In November of last year, I became homeless, don't worry that wasn't a bad thing. Since I've been homeless I've found the Lord some new friends which I've never really had in the last 26 years between marriage and being so down I didn't want any. I joined a shelter in November not knowing what to expect and it took till January for me to join a program called the Journey of Hope which brought me to God. They hold classes that teach bible studies and classes for life skills. They aren't that often or that annoying but they have created a kind of family for me.
They are the reason I am going back to the doctors to get well, they are the reason I'm reading my Bible, heck they are the reason I am back here to see all of my old digital friends I've created over the years. I've missed you guys but didn't know how to face you with my life so fallen apart. I wasn't sure if I had a support system here or not. I'm still so confused about so many things in my life. Crushed still by many. I miss my boys every day.
Now, I have Night Terror's which are 100% new to me and they've been trying this and that to no avail to try and correct. I've even been on one pill that just made me piss on the bed all night as it wouldn't allow me to wake up to use the restroom. I go from sleeping, to talking, to screaming, to sleeping, to screaming, to talking all while not waking up. I get no sleep even when sleeping 8 to 10 hours per night. I'm still in pain all the time and I'm still depressed. What you see is what I take every night before bed. I take about 15 more pills each morning. I'm at a loss, that's why I turned to the Bible hoping to find some answers in the living word.
If anyone reading this far has any suggestions on anything I'm going through or any experience with what I'm dealing with please reach out to me. If it's too personal, I'll give you an email to drop the response in to get the email. I guess the only good part is there really is no farther down I can go from this point, right? I'm just so broken down at this point even with everything looking so up in my life I'm crushed every day I can't hold my boys. But soon I will be reunited with them, the courts will make sure of that so I have that to look forward to. I have a pretty open-and-shut case according to my lawyer. It's just going to cost me $20k which I have almost half saved and is the reason I'm still homeless to this day, stacking cash for my kids.
I love you guys and I hope there's still a handful of you around who still feel the same way. I know I've burnt some bridges playing fuck around on here over the years but that was mostly done for fun or to poke the bears which were too big, not out of smite or anger. I would hope some could still be human to human and most could and will be forgiven.
Eroded Thoughts
The righteous cry, and the Lord heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all. He keepeth all his bones: not one of them is broken. Evil shall slay the wicked: and they that hate the righteous shall be desolate. The Lord redeemeth the soul of his servants: and none of them that trust in him shall be desolate.