Hello readers, I need a place to express my feelings, just so I can cope and possibly get some positive or helpful suggestions that might help me get back to a clear state of mind, so I'm expressing myself here if you don't mind. Thanks in advance.
babe:
I'm hurt and it's hard to pretend like everything is fine. It usually takes a while for me to forget but my mind keeps painting pictures of a reality that upsets me everytime I think back to what you said happened.
Readers:
This is what happened. She works in a wedding planning place that supplies flowers and does wedding arrangements with hotels and other interested clients. About 2 to 3 days ago my girl told me how they were rewarded with a trip to go on a boat and get treated like tourists and stuff. I have never did something like that before, but I saw it one time while I was near the beach.
So she asked me if she should go. We can't necessarily afford to go out often at the moment. But it was in the plans to do so in the near future. Still, i didn't want to deny her this opportunity so, I agreed. I said something along the lines of "I want you to enjoy life as much as possible and I wouldn't want to be the one preventing you from this opportunity". I could see that she was excited.
She started obsessing about what she should wear as it draws closer to yesterday-The day of the event. One time she asked me if she could wear a dress that I don't particularly like, I said no. I said that because it shows too much cleavage and skin and we are not going to together, I know that would attract attention from a lot of guys and am not comfortable with that.
Anyway, she found a dress that I approved- It was casual and good looking -fit for the occasion I thought. There also some more talks about, actually going swimming, she showed me what she would wear swimming and I was ok with it. We struggle with trust issues in the past so I didn't feel 100% comfortable if anything bad happened to her I wouldn't be there to help because I was at work.
So, the night before, I said to her. "Don't do anything, that you wouldn't do if I was there", she asked," What do you mean?" I said "you know, control yourself, If I was in you position don't do the things you wouldn't want me to do"
I know she has coworkers who are male and who tried to hit on her before, at one point it appeared to me as if she was intimated or felt uncomfortable because of them. By now being together for over a year now, she must have known how I felt about other guys moving too close to her.
She said It wasn't that big of a deal though, so I shove it off and tried to forget it.
Now, she went to the event yesterday, I got back from work late. When I called here before I reach home, she told me she was already home, but she is a little "frass". In Jamaica, frass means drunk. So at that moment, I felt discomfort. I asked her about it. And as she spoke, I felt an emotion building up slowly in my heart. She told me she had fun. She told me she got drunk to the point it felt a bit unbalanced/weird- but then quickly reassured me that it was because she was on the boat ride.
She also went swimming. I asked her if her foot was able to touch the ground while in the water. She said no, she told me she held on to the lifeguard. I asked did the other women held to the lifeguard too? she said no. At that moment I felt a little bit uncomfortable as I don't want any other man holding my girl in a way that I perceived negatively in my mind. I noticed right away that I might be overthinking things.
Afterward, she told me that she danced and I felt my heart sped up a bit. I knew the next question I asked would require honesty and would give me a feeling that she held my trust without breaking it and I could put my negative thoughts to rest.
I asked her if she dances with other men? She hesitated, I think she then asked if there is something wrong with dancing with other men? I felt like I took a little jab or dagger to my heart to be honest. I said if you dance with other men I want you to be honest about it. She said yes, just a little dance. For all readers who don't know. ALL DANCING DONE IN JAMAICA THAT IS DONE WITH ANOTHER MAN IS SEXUAL IN SOME FARM. Thats just the way it goes. I asked her? how many men she danced with she said she "I loss count".
I then remembered earlier on in this conversation where she said her co-worker commented saying that they didn't know she could act like , as if it's long time she partying.
So in my mind, she got drunked, starting dancing with a bunch guys, one of which is her coworker-one the guys which was hitting on her. And to make things even worst. She came home withouth here panty and brazzer on, she said this is because they got wet while swimminig.
Now, see I don't know if this is before she started dancing or not because I was too upset to ask. Because that would mean she was dancing drunk with no panties on. Getting gyrated on by a bunch guys. The longer I looked at there I felt hurt, I said serious and she laugh as if I was joking- I got so angry I took up the water bottle beside me and throw it at her.
I realized, that my feelings were getting too physical. So I go built a joint and went to the next room to burn it alone. It made it worst. I felt betrayed and could not understand how she acted without such care.She hurted me and something bad could had happened to her. I went back to the bedroom, very serious.
I told her that I didn't expect her to act like that because it's not healthy for the relationship among other things, then she hissed her teeth and without much thought, I slapped her in the face.
The first time I ever hit her out of anger- I felt almost instantly like I loss my ways, like I loss my good nature as a man who is to protect her. I felt like I hurt her but also felt like I her myself even more.
I left the room once more. Feeling regretful, feeling a painful emotion that could not disappear. Afterwhile I went back in to use the computer but I was too void and empty I just wanted to end this pain in my heart. I apologize for slapping her- I truly felt dissappointed not being able to restrain my self. I remembered my father telling me how he never hit my mother through all the years they have been together. So I feel ashamed of my action.
Babe I'm sorry.
But, I'm still not at ease. I haven't spoken to her since morning. She offered me some leftover that she carried from the party yesterday, I didn't even respond. I feel like at this moment I don't know how to respond.
She didn't say anything after, she just on her phone maybe pretending like shit never happen the night before. I don't know if she accepts my apology or if I have forgiven her yet. All I know is I want it to get beyond this.
I change the Wifi password, why? I don't know I still feel a bit like she doesn't care.
I skipped work today because this is on my mind too much. I feel like I deserve an apology too, I feel I was disrespected, I feel I wanted to trust her completely but things like these cuz me to wonder if am just wasting my time, or if am not patient enough. I don't want her to leave but I need her to understand that if she wants to be with me forever, then she needs to consider the health of our relationship before acting rash or careless. And babe if you read this till the end, let me know what's up. Let me know if am too demanding or if am reasonable. I need to know, it makes not sense thinking about forever if we gonna hurt each other like this. I would prefer to give somone else my time if you don't appreciate it enough to respect me.
The end.
Readers, what is your take on this issue?
turning the wifi back on.