My Kaleidoscope Tidal Wave...

Is it not just disastrously fabulous how we are often KNEE JERKED into states of mind from a time long gone in our lives. The initial feeling itself is seldom pleasant (not for me anyway) as it somewhat resembles a tidal wave sweeping your entire being - One which may hold a couple of smiles, but is weighted by so many pains – pains which changed who I am forever and to some extent, continue to steer me.

I can see the wave approaching, and I feel brave enough to face it, but as it gets closer it gets so big that I am filled with so much fear. It is so overwhelming, so big and I know that all it wants to do is swallow me…. but NO! I won’t let it own me! I will stand and swallow and choke on its sand filled deliverance.

It is moments like this, which remind me that we all need to remain cognisant of the fact that just because WE may not understand what another person is going through, it does not make it any less REAL for them.

Tonight, I got into a very “brief” conversation about drugs. Naturally, my past came into it because, well – I have an opinion on it. It is not something I discuss much these days, I mean I am 39 now and the last time I touched any hard drugs was more than 17 years ago but the lessons, states and experiences from “that many years” ago will never feel like anything less than yesterday away…

The conversation “entered” touched on the fact that I am of the belief that hallucinogenic drugs transport people into a state of being that strictly speaking, MANY are simply not equipped to handle (mentally). It is a little bit of a double edged sword really, because I KNOW this to be true, and despite the fact that I handled (and love it) for many years, I also eventually got to a point where I realised that I could not do it anymore, because I would then “cross” that point… and I quite liked not sitting in Ward 13 at Groote Schuur Hospital. Yet on the other side of the knife, it showed me SO many things. Things others will NEVER get to see! Perhaps, I should not have seen or experienced them either, but I did and I am here… I made it out to the other side of the rabbit hole… there are many I “hung” with, that did not. I am strangely grateful for all of that, despite its ability to force a “system shutdown” in me. I am rambling… probably. Do I care? No. No I don’t, because this is me.

My point, for me - is that despite how "odd" I may be to some... to me - I am just "me" - and in my eyes, I am pretty relieved to even be here now... nuttiness and all lol ;) Life is so fleeting... and there are so many of us with so MANY different stories, all equally relevant - each one as beautifully unique as the next and NONE superior to the other. We are all crazy in our own right, we have all lived our individual levels of "crazy" and we all have our walls. One day, when I am old and even crazier than I am now, I can only hope that I will be loved unconditionally nonetheless... and I too, will strive to do same.