Not so long ago I left my husband and he recently started dating my girlfriends little sister. This type of reaction is common during a break up, for one or both of the seperating parties to rebound with someone who might not be an ideal fit but who makes them feel valued for the moment. Typically the person who was left will have the biggest reaction because that person has not had time to process the departure of their former partner. They are looking for someone, anyone to hold on to so they can feel complete again and not feel so alone in their life that has just been turned upside down. Not to say that the person who walked away from the relationship will not rebound, it just won't typically be in the same way.
This post however is not about people breaking up and their rebounds, it about the ripple effect of their break up. So my girlfriend (the one with the little sister) just had a baby last month and she was planning on having a baby shower so all of her friends could meet the new edition to their family, our family really as our friend group is very close.
I was still in Bali when I received the fb invite to the shower that would be hosted back in Canada. I opened it after read thru the details and then....the guest list! My ex was the first and only person to respond to post saying he was attending! I immediately felt the fight or flight kick in, I thought I can't even go to my girlfriends baby should because my ex husband will be there and I avoid seeing him like I'd avoid a zombie apocalypse.
Less than five minutes later I realized that her 21 year old sister would likely be there too. I checked the guest list and sure enough she was invited... There was a chance she would not be there, as she lived far away on Vancouver Island. In order to attend she would have to do a full day's drive or get my ex to buy her a plane ticket to come to town. So not only would I have to see him, I would have to see him with her. #doublewammy!
For about an hour I mulled it over... Played the victim and then finally decided I won't let him dictate what I do, I left the relationship because I was tired of being controlled (among other things) and certainly I did not need to let him control me now! I put my big girl pants on, went back onto FB and I clicked attending! I was going to the shower to see my girlfriend and her new baby, I was going to show her support, I could be an adult and play nice for a few hours.
A few days before the shower the whole event was cancelled without much explanation. I didn't think too much about it, but I did remind myself there was a lesson there, worrying is useless, don't waste your energy focusing on the bad things that could happen before they do. I wasn't going to have to see either of them.
During this whole process of slowly becoming a divorcee I've been questioning people's motives and their loyalty. Almost everyone around you changes when you get a divorce. It's hard to tell who you can trust sometimes and it's easy to see who your real friends are. You think you know who has your back because of the grand gestures, people sticking up for you, helping you move, taking you for lunch (or bringing you lunch when all you want to do is watch Netflix and lay around for days).
The real shock comes when weeks later you hear you ex's new girl complained to her big sister about you being at the shower. What that makes no sense, we have been friends for almost 10 years and now because I left my husband someone is trying to exclude me from hanging out with my girls and meeting the new baby?? Besides shouldn't we be supporting the new parents not causing them more stress by complaining to them about their guest list 🙄 Now this is hard to process. It was hard to heard this story about someone who I have never met pushing for me to be uninvited to a home I have always felt so welcomed in. I did not even know how to take it, I mean can't we all just go there and support S&S and their new baby?
A few days before the event the whole thing is cancelled with little exploration. Turns out the new momma was a bit overwhelmed with everything and decided that now was not a good time to have the shower. In a weird way I felt supported by this action, I'm sure the shower was not cancelled solely on my behalf but it's nice to know my friends have my back and stick up for me even when I sometimes don't realize it.
I have a lot more to say about this but I don't want to drag on... TBC