I think that’s been my question and always the point of this blog — I desired to tell my story. However the story contains characters that are not just me — they are of other people who maybe don’t want their names in the spotlight.
It was time for me to stop unraveling others in the shadows and begin stepping into my light. I am a storyteller, I am an artist, I am a philosopher — albeit, young. Can you tell and acorn he is wrong to say he is a tree? To value the greatest of things, one must honor the tiniest of seeds. They are the same at the core. I am standing upon the foundation of who I am to become — a writer.
I am in the medical field to gain an understanding of the philosophy of science. I am here to become a scholar; educated in the true healing arts — chiropractic. It’s the last of its kind. I desire to add to that field with my one day essays. You see, in 2020 I decided to live.
I decided to shoulder the dream I dreamt.
I decided I didn’t care what anyone thought.
I decided to truthfully be me and to tell my story through all the muses in my life.
I must write.
And there is part of me that feels guilty for that.
Life would be a whole lot easier if I could just fucking “stop” creating shit. If I could just be a little more superficial; I think it would be easier for me. Life would be easier and I could relate to people better — if I wasn’t this writer.
You see when I promised myself that I’d live,
I promised myself that I would write — whatever.
I promised myself that if I decided to live
I wouldn’t base my decisions upon what other people thought was best or common
— or rational.
I desired to live a life that was wild and exciting to document. And that all comes at a price.
Am I willing to pay the price of the artist?
I must paint with blood.
I must create.
And I am not sure —
How many friends I’ll lose.
Or how many people will dislike me for it.
Or how many people will find me distasteful.
Or how many people will find me unprofessional.
I
did
not
kill
someone
with
my
freedom
of
speech.
And I think this is what it’s here for.
It’s here for a person to be able to express — even things they may later regret. It’s here to be a stress value; to complain about the government when they begin to infringe on human rights.
Well, isn’t speaking a basic human rights?
Governments around the world are killing people for what they’ve said.
I guess they realize that a good writer is more powerful than an atomic bomb.
I am beginning to fully realize the power of my words too. And I think that’s the point of why I express publicly. I am scrutinized by every last pen stroke. It’s verified unlike the spoken word; which can be misremembered and altered in the memory even moments thereafter. There is something about the printed word that is magical.
I think there have been phrases and things I’ve printed that were wrong. I realized my words did guilt that boy; even if my words spoke the truth. I realized arbitrary laws are apart of personal boundaries. I realized I broke a lot of peoples boundaries and a lot of people broke mine.
And that’s the consequence of childhood sexual abuse — that’s the confusing aftermath one is left to deal with when the moment faded to just memories and flashbacks, randomly. Is that a friend that I flirt with? Or is that my lover under the covers? These are big questions for a ten year old to answer.
I desire to tell my story.
In fiction — in real life.
I don’t want to feel silenced any longer.
Even if I am hated for what I have to say.
Why?
Because no one is talking about the message that runs through the narrative.
I wrote a blog piece last week on Munchausen. It garnered a lot of positive praise from the community. It was my story how it was told to me. I believe if edited correctly it could be turned into a work of art. I believe I can fictionalize it just right to create the contrast that highlights the message I am attempting to share.
It feels like the real path I am to follow this quarter. It’s going to take a lot of time and energy to make this video. And I think this could be the new direction of my platforms. I believe the whole diaristic poetry is transforming in front of all of our eyes. How exciting?
So I am going to take you on this journey of transforming that poetry into a video that I believe will really captures the message of what I’ve been attempting to say all along.
I am really excited for this:
I am going to begin posting the ages with a little authors notes about the significance of this time period and what is happening from my perspective.
I am so excited for you to see the video that only I can right now (or think I do! I feel like even the artist is in for surprises and twists and turns along the way) — YAY!
