I haven’t been on Steemit because a few days ago my buddy came over with some of his new moonshine, and the wife can’t complain because she’s in the hospital. A few shots in, I started feeling jittery and couldn’t stop pacing in and out of my freakin house and then my damn cat got loose.
That is literally my favorite cat! Sure he only has three legs and likes to attack, but can you blame him? He got a raw deal and if he needs to scratch me a little in my sleep, thats just what he has to do, but it doesn’t mean I won’t kick the shit out of him.
Anyways, when I asked my buddy to help me look for it, that asshole told me that we had to stay inside because he added some meth into the car radiator when he was making that moonshine.
Can you believe that shit!
I kicked his ass out of my house, because he knows that I don’t like it when people spike my drinks without telling me first, but you can bet I kept that son of a bitch’s bottle of methed-up moonshine.
An hour later I realized that that piece of shit probably told the cops that I’d stole his meth. So I poured it down the drain and had to clean my entire house.
I swear that every time I looked out the window I could see cops trying to hide in the shadows, so I kept cleaning to try to take my mind off of it.
Ugh…
It was hell and to make matters worse my lazy ass wife’s dad called and began accusing me of putting my wife in a coma!
It’s like a world of shit hit me all at once! I had a feeling the cops were listening, so I had to throw my phone into the wall. I couldn’t believe he would betray me like that so I had to kick the TV too.
I couldn’t calm down and I missed my cat. So I said “Fuck the cops!” and went outside to look for it. I was literally out there for over 24 hours looking for clues and climbing shit and I can’t even remember going to bed.
All I know is that I woke up with an awful headache that hasn’t gone away. This is literally every genuis writer’s worst nightmare. A headache is like the great equalizer, it makes my writing almost as bad as all the garbage on Steemit. So I’m having to go over it again and again to stop myself from sounding like you.
This sucks!
To make matters worse the first thing I saw this morning was my phone shattered into pieces, I was so mad I went to kick the TV and realized it had a hole in it from the night before.
Usually when I kick the TV it just slams into the wall, no big deal, but I must have Bruce Lee’d that thing last night.
I hate it when this shit happens, I can’t believe my phone broke and it still had over thirty minutes left on it. I’ve been meaning to call my second wife to see if maybe she could start performing her wifely duties again now that the third one is in the hospital, but it seems like God is out to get me.
I had literally spent all my beer money so my only option was to dig the change out of the couch cushions and to go steal some of God’s money back by playing bingo at the Catholic Church.
I managed to win two games and I took God for over a hundred bucks, because fuck him!
My secret to bingo is to sneak a sharpie in and I have the ability to turn any 3, 5 or 6 into an 8 and my 1s are my wild cards, I can turn them into a 4, 7 or 9. The only problem is the VA won’t let me play there anymore since they caught me cheating, so now I have to walk an extra mile to the Catholic Church.
The walk is brutal in the winter, but it's better than getting in fights with a bunch of shell shocked, amputees, because they're jealous of my success.
Now that I got some cash, tomorrow I’m gonna pick up a used toilet and try to get my second wife back, because it really sucks living without a wife and I know she has a TV.
Also would any of you pray for my cat’s safe return?