Do not get dramatically on the title but. its a feeling a have.
To day at my psychologist she ask me : do u feel like u have wasted my life?
Yes a feel like a wasted 20 years on noting..
Its true and its not true its bit like the schrodinger's cat
“if u put a cat on a box and some poison u don't know if the cat is dead or alive before u open the box”
just a cool place in my way to work 1 of 2
Like most of my life a was lost a did not now the way out. So a cant say its a wasted in a way a spend all this time finding my way here. But a feel like if am on my deathbed a feel my life has no meaning, One of my colleagues at work was saying how a speaks sound a bit like a nihilist.
“ sees no point to anything.” we are meaningless on it all"
And yes a feel a bit like this. And recently here is canada a had this feeling over me. A have no I have no purpose in my life. Am just following my road it no front light just. Like nowadays just working and “sleeping” working...and……anger and sadness.
2/2
A feel trapped in this circle a ned to work to get my visa and some food money. But its just feel like a big hole of no meaning.
Like if a stay here get my visa next year just dong the same shit just a driftent place. A did this exactly same thing back in norway. Just been a slave in my one life.
Ironical a feel “free” on the skytrain. And it's the only place a feel free. At work am so afraid to get fired by not doing the correct think and not been in anybody's way. Like a few days ago a was waking up in the middle of the bath in sweat. Had to checked my phone a was sure a was fired.
So if a was on my deathbed this has no meaning at all…In the end it do not matter if a have money in the bank if a hate my life.
Money is just a tool and if am in Canada , Norway or in Indonesia it do not matter if a don't like my life a can just stop…
So where do a do….
If a now am going to die in 5 years what then?
A want to go to burning man, build something and burn it.
A want to build houses in africa as a volunteer
A want to live on a beach
A want to find a place a can feel at home.
A want to walk the rest of Santiago de Compostela
A want to be my one boss. (the grande pod cast plan) am going to stream games as a soft start.
A want a partner.
So ok…...lets start….but remember….Everything takes time….more time then a like.
A want to jump on the train but a ned to cross the marsh first then jump on the moving train.
want to meet my roommate "gustav" he has a door in the outside wall...yey......but a have installed some sound repellent and traps, have not seen him in over one week.