Old Movie Review: “Cobra Woman” (1944)

^{A marriage is about to be interrupted by a kidnapping}

On the day of their anticipated wedding, Ramu and his bride-to-be, Tollea, are initially unaware of a mysterious visitor from afar. Before the chapel bells sound, she’s been kidnapped and her guard has been murdered. Her adoptive father explains of her likely whereabouts, as she was rescued as a baby from an island of violently zealous snake worshippers and they’ve come to reclaim her.

Ramu sails over to the island to give King Cobra a one-two punch in the choppers, taking a stow-away — Kato, a student familiar with jungle life. The two make a climb and behold Slither City Central. Tollea is now present on the island, but she’s kept secret from her psycho twin sister, who rules as a high priestess with a penchant for throwing the less fortunate into raging volcanoes — as her benign grandmother, the figurehead queen of the island, explains.

^{ALL politicians are venomous snakes, but they take things a bit too literally on Snake Island}

^{Ramu meets Tollea’s evil twin, Naja down by the swimming hole and gets all lovey‑dovey}

Ramu finds Naja as she marches to the swimming hole with her royal procession, mistaking her for Tollea. He figures he might as well jump... go ahead, jump! ...and he shares a sub-aquatic snog with the evil twin. Ever the snake-in-the-grass, Naja plays along with Ramu’s mistake, but he’s soon caught by guards and thrown in the sssss‑slammer!

Kato and that dang dirty ape, Cocoa, join forces and run into the queen’s servant, Hava — and then the queen. When advised to bow, Kato’s like, “Pfffft whatevs, mang!” They enjoy some jungle snacks before going with Tollea and queenie to secretly witness the daily snake ritual, beholding a large amount of victims chosen for the fires of the volcano.

^{Kato and Cocoa stowed away in order to help save the day!}

^{Ramu beats up Martok and steals his clothes in order to sneak into Naja’s chambers}

Martok, second-in-command on the island gets up in Ramu’s face, but Ramu pulls a fast one and turns the tables. He makes a bee-line for Naja, still confused about her identity. Naja hears Martok is now in prison, but doesn’t even give a care! She now messes with Ramu’s mind, taking advantage of his misunderstanding. When he asks if she has a sister, it throws water on Naja’s fire and she’s back to being a sour grape. When he’s about to make tracks, she calls in the guards. She commands them to find her twin, hinting she’s willing to spare Tollea’s life upon exiling her, but Ramu’s got to stay behind in the snake pit. But why? Does she have some kind of thing for the guy?

^{Naja, indifferent about her fiance being knocked out and imprisoned, is now showing some serious (but temporary) interest in Ramu}

^{The queen urges Ramu to get off the island and let Tollea become high priestess}

Being hauled back to the prison tower, Hava intercepts the guards and whisks Ramu over to the queen. She pleads with him to leave the island - and Tollea — so she can save the island from her bratty little sister’s iron reign. He’s got to mull this one over.

Unaware of what’s transpired, Kato makes a daring attempt to rescue Ramu, but he ends up freeing Martok, getting himself caught, interrogated and tortured. Banana-breath creates a diversion for Hava, who ices the guard and takes Kato to safety.

^{Cocoa mocks the fallen guard after Hava rescues the tortured Kato}

^{Denied marriage to Martok, and with the prisoners on the loose, Naja’s mood goes from bad to worse!}

Reunited, Ramu’s mind is on leaving the island, while Tollea’s dreaming of a future together. Naja’s back together with that sourpuss Martok and they demand the queen’s blessing on their marriage plans. The queen reveals her opposition to their marriage and her plan to have Naja abdicate her throne to Tollea. Naja gets all huffy and orders the intruders found.

^{Naja not only lacks spear-throwing skills, but also has a deficit in ‘not-falling-out-of-window-skills’}

Martok later assasinates the queen, I guess she’s not invited to the wedding now. Ramu and Kato get busted and Tollea decides to confront her sister directly, demanding she step down. Naja proves she’s not only a klutz with a spear, but takes a tumble from a balcony, dying very cleanly and stylishly in the courtyard below.

Just sayin’

Tollea interrupts the execution of Ramu and Kato. Martok calls for King Cobra — Tollea’s duty as priestess requires her to get close to that venomous reptile. Ape-face meanders through the roaring crowds with a blow pipe armed with a poison dart and unties Kato. King Cobra takes a dart to the neck and dies immediately of reptile dysfunction. (Snake?! What happened?! Snake??? Snaaaaaaaaaake!)

^{Kato shooting a poison dart into the island's king... a cobra snake}

^{Martok is very unconvincingly skewered by iron spikes}

The volcano erupts and the earth quakes while the freed prisoners fight for their lives. Once Hava throws Martok on some spikes — the tremors and eruption die down, giving the people the impression that all is well again. Ramu and Kato exit stage left, leaving Tollea to take charge of that cobra-infested mess. However, she stows away on their ship, leaving others to lead the islanders. Naturally, there’s some excited snogging and Cocoa stitches up Kato’s pants. No, really. That’s how it ends. A monkey sewing up a tear in the seat of someone’s pants. It somehow works, though.