I wake up every morning in the 3 o'clock hour. Do you?
It's funny, I never noticed it happened until I watched a YouTube video featuring Sadhguru. Here is a link to the video. He talks about a natural phenomenon that occurs during 3:30 a.m.-3:40 a.m., however I often wake up at any point in the 3 o'clock hour. Apparently it's a spiritual signal to wake up physically and meditate, which is what I find myself doing today.
SadGuru goes on in this video to talk about the dependence we have on chemicals, generally. He says that good managers of their body/time go on to do productive things about their life, and that lousy managers of their body/time loose control of the faculties of their mind though chemical dependence and a dulling of the senses.
Reflection
Here's my experience. I wake up; sometimes it feels like I'm jolting awake, and sometimes it feels like I'm drifting awake, but when it happens, I find myself laying there, fully awake, in this numb reflective state. Often, I reflect on the sleep I was just having, or the activities from night before. When I've been drinking (alcohol is a chemical destruction mentioned by Sadguru), I do sometimes have trouble recalling the night before, although I am extremely present in those recollections and knowing what I would like to have done differently. This sends me into a dull rage. I get super itchy to be able to go back and do it better, and sometimes feel like crying, but have found upon attempting, that I am quite unable. I usually go back to sleep.
Backpedal
This morning, I remembered going to dinner with my incredibly patient boyfriend last night. I felt that I should buy him a meal. We had been skating, and he gave me a ride home, so what better way to express gratitude and take care of my man, right? He ate fish and chips, I ate a pretzel with cheese. He tried to pay me for the food, but while we were at the register, and I couldn't process what the cashier was telling me at the same time boyfriend was waving bills in my face. I decided to ignore the money my handsome was offering me, and the same thing happened a few moments later at the table. It was just to much for my drunken brain to think about accepting money from the person I decided to purchase a meal for.
i find myself wishing I could thank him
Reflection:
Fast forward to laying in bed at my daily 3 o'clock jiggle, and I find myself wishing I could SLOW THE F*K DOWN, look my love in the eyes and thank him for everything he does for me. I wanted to explain to him that this is my quirky way of saying thank you, but "baby please understand I can only do one thing at a time with you." I want him to understand that "although I have recently expressed distaste for my current financial situation, this is more than money, this is buying 30 more minutes of staring into his beautiful eyes, soaking up his wonderful pheromones and trying to create another lovely memory." ... But for some reason this money thing was a subtle trigger for our conversation to go less than smoothly, as it so often seems to do. I think this, and want to change it, but I can't. It's not just this instance, but every moment, that he deserves more grateful attention.
The Cycle of Crazy
I can't just tell him these things and expect to make it better. I have to show him with actions, over time, to change his perception of me...and it's frustrating... and I try to cry but I realize then just how numb my body is.My body is still sleeping while my eyes are open, and crying WILL NOT FIX this, and that motivates me to do more than go back to sleep this time... because the last time this happened, I did go back to sleep, and I treated mister perfect the same way as I did the time before that, when I went back to sleep that morning after experiencing the same emotions over a similar memory, and the time before that when I went back to sleep that other morning doing the same things, and it's a cycle and I'm doing the same things over and over just hurting myself. This is me slowing down and doing it right.
What's the thing we say about repeating an action but expecting a different result?
I know that my man has real love for me. Betcha he knows I'm slow, and he understands, and that's why he keeps coming back... but something has got to change. I see it in his eyes. He's got it all, but love is an exhaustible resource when you're human. If I truly love him, I will change and make myself better, if only to treat him better...
That's what this is. This is a diary I can refer back to, that will instruct me to do the right thing in the bright-looking future. This is beautiful me, being a good manager of the chemical factory that I call a body and nurturing the faculties of my mind.
Thank you, Sadhguru for sparking the barely warm coals that are my mind, taking me one step closer to a fulfilled life. Thank you for helping me make this post that might spark another life that may feel the same and is now empowered to do something about it.
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here's a picture of a pretty flower I saw yesterday walking
