DESERT DRIVE AND BUSINESSES ARE STARTING TO SLOWLY OPEN UP .....
I went for a ride out by Red Rock Canyon today. I feel lost and afraid yet I've been falling so long in the dark, its like I've gotten used to the feeling. When will it hit? The bottom? I don't know but I think that once I learn what it is I'm supposed to learn, this will all be a memory of the past. I know the difference between props and things used to occupy my time. Its funny because we fill our times some times with useless items, or people. Just sit back and watch them, know them. If they weren't there for you during the hard times, don't you dare ever bring them to your future. It was advice my dad told me years ago. He said, "opportunity" and when you notice. Stop giving people, or things the opportunity to disappoint you. True happiness can't come from fake. It comes from inside yourself. You cant find it in someone else. Why do people do that. Hey its ok to have a little fun but why attach your happiness to a person? So this solo journey my future will be on..... It gets a little scarier the closer I feel like things are moving ahead.
Just because I am uncomfortable with choices that have to happen doesn't mean they dont need to happen for personal growth.
Life is pain and if anyone has gotten to understand a few things about it from the psychological to the physiological, its me. This is a necessary pain. Growth is pain and these things you have to do on your own. Unless theres a perfect circumstance. Its rare. The world is a different place.
In order for my life to be different, I need to do different.
Some can say I'm running away but the truth is, I've been single for 5 years, sick, slowly finding my way back and now know, soon; this little ducky 🐤 gotta go on her own.
I was always on my own. Independent as hell. Once I got sick with the breast implants, losing my entire life was a blow to my ego. Then getting them out, getting better then fall and start to get worse again. My ego got hit. I couldn't work, sold everything. It was only when I lost it all, that I realized I'm the lucky one. Stuff is just stuff but property is life. Mother Nature. Its always been a life for a life. Whether your eating, resting. We've turned our backs on nature. Its sad.
The doctors office called me and sent out referrals. So fast. Used to take a month before they'd do any sending out. Is life moving to fast? I'm scared. But im ready. I dont know where I'll end up but I Promise you it will be beautiful, peaceful and just live as natural and complicate free. Would you live with no phone? Computer? Sometimes I'm so torn. As with anything else in life, I'm always in the middle. Split in two, understand both sides, like both, I mean I can't make a decision to save my life sometimes... But this will happen. I will get better, it is going to be scary and everything I wanted will come. The tricky part is what I do with my life.
I want horses. Maybe a couple of goats and some chickens. Nothing fancy. But something self-sustaining and hidden. A paradise of my own. I dont mind a normal house either. I just have an old soul. I belong in the desert 🏜 I swear it. Everything will happen the way its meant to. Sitting up is unbearable unless I'm on heat pad or ice. It sucks but slowing down can be a productive time. Im getting more things done about my health, future.
Then, a fresh town, fresh face. A blank canvas. I can paint whatever life I want to a just forget the ugly shit ever existed. New beginnings can be scary but its worth it for personal growth.
