Well it’s the weekend, as far as I’m concerned if it lasted only one day I would still be very grateful, but I get two days off so I’m extremely grateful after the week we’ve had experienced. The one thing that can set me off pretty easily is telemarketers. If I never get another telemarketer call again it will be too soon as far as I’m concerned.
On Friday I got a total of 15 telemarketer calls between 9:00 AM and 8:30 PM between my two cell phones. I understand that the person on the other end of the phone is just trying to make a living, I get that, my issue is that both my cell phone numbers are on the National Do Not Call List. By law these folks cannot legally solicit me on these devices.
I am pretty sure everyone reading this has had calls as well from these pesky folks, it would be a different story if I actually had fill out some contest form to try and win something but I learned that lesson years ago on filling out forms to try and win something. If you fill out a form and submit it in a contest, your do not call status is nonexistent for the company in possession of that form. I wonder if there is a black market on completed contest forms. There may be some small office building somewhere where there are just rows of tables, chairs, computer screens and blank forms with people filling out forms from the information on the computer screens. Then when they have a form, complete with a forged signature, for every name on the list they box them up and sell the forms on the dark web to the highest bidder.
I once had some software for my computer that was named List Grabber, if you found a list that you liked all you had to do was highlight the first name or entry on the list and then click the retrieve button and presto … you had the whole list perfectly sorted. That software came in real handy when I was with a company that was just getting started and didn’t have a customer base.
The telemarketers have stepped up their game now; they have mastered the art of deception in disguising where the call is originating from by displaying a phone number that appears to be local to your number. They have gotten me to answer a couple times using that trick. My guess is that their phone system will display to the call recipient the number that the telemarketer had just finished calling rather than the number the call is being generated from.
But as with anything, be careful what you wish for and that goes for these telemarketers, when I answer a telemarketer call I automatically go into competition "on" mode, the game is how long can I keep them on the line and keep them from making more calls.
My favorite telemarketer call to get is the “your business has qualified” call. This call is for small business loans up to $200 thousand USD’s, well since I don’t have a small business I just create one really quickly and press one to speak to the representative. Using my best Hispanic sounding voice and my character name of “Paco”’ I go to work playing the game, “keep them on the clock”.
The conversation goes something like this;
TMR: “Hello this Joe, and who am I speaking with?”
Me: Mi nombre es Paco.
TMR: “Great Paco, you have a business that could use a low interest, easy to qualify for business loan?”
Me: Si senor.
TMR: “Well that is good, what is the name of the business and do you have revenue of at least $25K a month?”
Me: De business name is Paco’s. Paco “Eats Tacos” and si, $25,000 a month is very little, mi business does about that in a 10 days.
TMR: “Excellent Paco, well we have loans available for new customers of up to $200,000 and we can tailor a loan for Pacos Tacos that could help your business run smoother. Do you have an amount in mind that you are looking to borrow?”
Me: Mi not sure, how I know how much, maybe $30,000 maybe $50,000.
TMR: “In order to qualify for our loan program we will have to have you send us copies of the last 3 months bank statements for Paco’s Tacos business bank account, will that be a problem?”
Me: Maybe, why banco account papers?
TMR: “So we can see your business is actually generating the revenue required on a monthly basis to qualify for the amount of the loan.”
Me: Mi business is cash business, no banco por de business.
TMR: “Your business doesn’t have a bank account?”
Me: Si senor, solemente de dinero verde.
TMR: “What? What is a burdee?”
Me: You don’t know what a bird is?
TMR: “I know what a bird is, what does that have to do with the bank account?
Me: Mi don’t use bank account, banks to mucho problemos por deposit de cash , dinero verde.
TMR: “How can you do credit card sales? You do take credit cards, right? There has to be an account with a bank for those sales transactions.”
Me: No senor, no credit cards, solemente de dinero verde.
TMR: “ I find that hard to believe , you mean I can’t come buy a dozen tacos at Pacos and pay for them with a credit card?”
Me: Not only can you no pay with card you cannot get no tacos tombien.
TMR: “ Wait, what ? Huh, I can’t buy tacos? Pacos Tacos sells tacos, right?
Me: Why you think Paco sells tacos? Paco no sells tacos.
TMR: “if I can’t buy tacos at Pacos Tacos, why is the name Pacos Tacos? What can I buy?
Me: Marijuana senor, marijuana.
TMR: “ you’re a drug dealer,,,, click.
That conversation actually has taken place on a few different occasions; it is one of my favorites. Sometimes it doesn’t get this far and I get hung up on earlier, but I actually had one company call me back and want to discuss setting up a bank account for me.
I got inspired to start doing this after hearing a tape recording of a guy in Oklahoma who did a similar conversation with a cruise line company offering a free cruise but in order to get the cruise you had to agree to sit in on a ninety minute seminar on the cruise and you had to have a wife, or travel partner because the rooms were double occupancy only. He pretended to be gay and then tried to get the TMR to go with him on the cruise, it was hilarious. I’m sorry I can’t remember his name, but I assure you if you ever hear it you will know it.
When you drive as much as I do any entertainment I can create during my drive time helps to pass the time. It also is payback for these companies not adhering to the law, since my numbers are on the “do not call list.” How do you handle unsolicited telemarketing calls? Are you on the national do not call registry? With as many calls as I get in a day, it doesn’t seem like it is working very well, but then again, I don’t know how many calls I’m not getting from companies who follow the law.
One thing I do know is; if you call me I will dang sure take the time to talk to you, it might be a waste of your time but that is the small price you will pay to call me.
