Dear Santa,
It has been a very long while since I have written you a letter. I think it has been around 55 or 56 years, can’t be exactly sure but I know it has to be right in that time frame give or take a year or two. My parents, rest their souls, may have led me astray when I was six or seven years old when it comes to Christmas. I don’t hold it against them; they were only doing what they had learned from their parents as well.
You though, are as much to blame as anyone. That's right, you have one frigging drop box in the whole southern part of Texas for letters to you? I travel this whole south part of the state and in all my travels I find one red receptacle for “Letters for Santa”. Do you really think that is enough? Seriously, put the dang elf’s to work up there at the North Pole and have them fabricate some more “letters for Santa Collection Boxes”.
By the way, the children don’t want the toys your shop is producing, face up to the fact that technology has passed your ass by, you and I both know this. I am here to offer you a solution to the situation. Electronic gadgets old buddy, that is where these kids are now a days. Don’t bother trying to build them; you can’t compete with the Chinese factories, just buy them from Amazon like everyone else. These kids are gullible as hell too, so if you want to slap a North Pole sticker on them, go ahead; I won’t let the cat out of the bag.
Down size the toy shop, you don’t need it anymore, and convert it to an IT research and block chain technology center. Keep one corner for the “letter to Santa boxes” production because you do have to get those built and placed out in the public space. To be on the safe side, use only “green” red paint, the environmental wack job nuts will be all over you if you use oil based paint. We both know the oil based paint seems to look better and last longer but it isn’t about quality anymore, we have to save the environment.
Another thing I think we need to discuss is reputation, REP, as it is referred to in certain places. You had better watch what the hell you are doing with your vacation time. Even the kids know that you are married; do you really think you should be posting pictures of yourself on the internet with those hot chicks in skimpy bikinis from some white sandy beach? These kids are gullible, not totally brain dead, they know damn well that isn’t Mrs. Claus who bakes the cookies at the North Pole in those pictures. I’m not being judgmental, but you could be just a tad more discreet, and if you are going to screw around on the wife be sure to protect the pole. The last thing we need is her filing for divorce because you bring home some STD and are kind enough to share it with her. One last thing on REP, quit showing up to work with liquor on your breath at the mall “Pictures with Santa” booths, you are scaring the little ones. They know that smell of liquor, their parents use it all the time to cope with having the kids in the first place. While you’re at it, tuck that bag of oregano inside your coat pocket, people will think you are a doper, I know it is for the pizza you stop and eat after work but they don’t.
Christmas is about Christ; “mas” in Spanish means “more”, so why have you not been promoting more Christ? You are suppose to be the patron saint of Christmas, good old jolly St. Nick, as some people call you. Have you completely lost sight of what you were sent here to do? I’ve seen you on those commercials, “what’s in your wallet?” The Santa Claus family doesn’t need you promoting the banks, get back to promoting Christ and the true meaning of Christmas.
I’m not against you making a little money on the side, but that crap you are promoting isn’t going to be around much longer, the currency of the future won’t be tied to any country or central banking system. You need to learn about crypto-currencies, so after you get done Monday night from work, get on the internet and go to steemit.com , search for 
Hey, Shortie just said to tell you,” hello, and Merry Christmas”, even though she said she knows you are not real. Remember earlier when I said my parents may have led me astray? Well, I may have done the same too with my kids, and I am working on fixing that now, and it starts with this letter to you, Santa Claus.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, see you here soon.