It has been nearly two months since my mom passed away and it still feels surreal. Her and my step dad were in town visiting and they took us to Olive Garden for dinner on December 31st where we said our goodbyes before they headed home the next day. We had enjoyed a few days of them visiting and were looking forward to their next visit. My mom had acted a little off, but she was on medication treating a bloodclot in her leg and we chalked it up to that.
Shortly after returning home severe symptoms caused her to seek emergency medical treatment. It was during a short hospital stay that tumors were revealed and she was referred to an Oncologist. She didn't tell anyone. She thought there was time. On January 18 she met with the Oncologist and received the diagnosis of Stage 4 Brain and Lung cancer. She called and told me the next day. No treatment options were given as things were too progressed to even have a glimmer of hope outside of a miracle.
Cancer isn't something new to our family. My dad battled cancer off and on for over 15 years before it finally took his life. During that time he battled cancer in his brain, lung, liver, skin, bladder, and kidney. Some areas more than once. My maternal grandfather died after a short battle with stomach and esophagus cancer. Both my grandmothers have battled cancer and beat it. I have also had many friends battle cancer as well. I was all too familiar with cancer. I knew what was coming, but had no idea how soon it would come!
We immediately made plans to visit in two weeks. We dusted off our credit cards and threw caution to the wind, something we wouldn't normally do. But we knew this was it. Our last chance to make memories. We had planned to stay a week and then my daughters and I would return at the end to care for her. God had other plans.
On the evening of January 24th, only 6 days after diagnosis, my step dad texted saying she was going downhill fast and to come now. Come now? She was JUST diagnosed! Within 2 hours I was on the road with my 3 daughters heading to Florida, a 13.5 hour drive. We arrived after a visit from Hospice. They had started my mom on Dexamethasone, which reduced the pressure from her brain tumor minimizing symptoms. It was a "bandaid" providing temporary relief to buy us time to say goodbye. She was still unable to care for herself and her cognitive ability was slow, but the medication gave her a decent quality of life to say her final farewells.
So I jumped right in caring for my mom. When she was awake I sat by her side nursing my baby and enjoying being in her presence. When she was napping I was cleaning the house, doing laundry, or tending to my children. I would stay up until 1am most nights because my mom would get up for an hour or two in the middle of the night and I enjoyed our quieter late night visits because there weren't any other visitors. My sister or aunt were generally there, but it was a close knit group. I cherished this time. We fell into a routine, which was honestly exhausting, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.
On February 5 we had an amazing day with my mom. Instead of cleaning the house in the morning like we usually did, we loaded mom in her wheelchair and took her for a walk. I treated to an expensive fancy coffee at a local coffee shop and fish tacos at a local restaurant. The sun was shining and it was a perfect day. Mom loved getting out. She had been asking for days, but with trying to keep the house clean and all the visitors it kept getting put on the back burner. I am so glad that we dropped everything and went that day. After a busy day of company and a burger fresh off the grill my mom collapsed in her wheelchair. Exactly like the Hospice nurse predicted she would.
We expected Hospice would come in full time at this point, but they never did. They came 2-3 times per week to check vitals and to give us authority to increase meds as needed. She never fully woke up again after that. For the first few days she would be coherent from time to time and would react to us with smiles and a few words. Then she slowly faded away. On February 11 in the early afternoon my mom passed away.
I am so grateful for everyone who came down to visit and help out. A big shout out to my old friend Tessa. The friend who I had only seen once in well over four years left her AirB&B rental for a couple days to help me physically care for my mom, help give me a break from my kids so I could have a good cry in private, and be a shoulder to cry on. Her and I had gone completely different directions with our lives, but we had been through so much together in our past that I believe we will have a forever bond.
It was an emotionally delicate time. By the time my mom went comatose I was burnt out physically and emotionally. I think I ran in zombie mode for a few days. I was drained. I really struggled with feeling a heavy burden on my shoulders between caring for my mom, making medicine increase decisions, caring for my children (including a nursing baby), losing my mom, financial stress, travel stress (I had to trwvel from FL to MI for the memorial service and then back home to KY again), expensive vehicle repairs, my own health struggles, and the well meaning criticism of others. It was the most difficult thing I have ever endured.
I have now lost both my parents to cancer. It is a strange feeling to have lost both parents. I have a strange sense of being alone even though I am surrounded by so many friends and family. Don't worry, I am not depressed or anything. I am just processing through some new emotions as I deal with things.
I wanted to share my speech from my mom's funeral that I literally wrote 30 minutes before the service, so please be kind with your critique.
My beautiful mother
This is the speech I wrote for her memorial service:
Today marks one month since my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. It also marks one week since she passed. Six days after her diagnosis Bill texted and said to come now. Within a couple hours my daughters and I were on the road headed to Florida, which is where we remained until after mom passed. Mom and Bill were just up over New Years and we were discussing our plans for the coming year. Mom was looking forward to taking the girls to the castle in Lexington this spring, which was something we had planned to do last year, but the birth of Joanna delayed that trip. We didn’t expect her to get diagnosed with cancer. We didn’t expect things to go so fast. But here we are less than two months later celebrating her life and saying our goodbyes.
The Bible tells us to honor our parents, which is something that isn’t embraced in our culture today. In fact, it is something I didn’t truly understand myself until a few years ago when my husband and I started studying the Bible cover to cover ourselves. Deuteronomy 5:16 says “Honor thy father and thy mother, as the Lord thy God hath commanded thee; that thy days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with thee, in the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.” The more I read the Bible the more I understood this passage and others similar to it. Honoring our parents isn’t something that we should do until we turn 18 and then do whatever we want. It is something we do for a lifetime. There is benefit in listening to the wisdom of our parents. A couple years ago I prayed asking God to show me how to respect my mother and to bring this Scriptural truth to life in our relationships with our parents. I have watched my relationship with my mother change for the better. I have the upmost respect for both my parents. I am thankful to have had the opportunity to have had two parents who not only loved each other, but loved us kids and provided many opportunities for us. I am thankful to have been given a Biblical foundation to build my life upon.
As many of you are aware my sister and I had an amazing childhood. I joke that we grew up in the “Leave It To Beaver” household. I will never forget the sacrifices my parents made for us. My mom was always planning the best birthday parties, writing poems to help us memorize facts in grade school, and involved in every aspect of our lives. She was the Sunday School Director at our childhood church and lead two Girl Scout troops for several years as a well. She opened the door to all our friends and our house was the “hang out spot” after school. Everyone referred to my parents as “mom and dad” and truly thought of them as second parents. One night a week my parents would close that door to the outside world. They would turn off the telephone. We would have dinner, play games, and do a Bible study together as a family. Family night. A concept mom started when we were in High School to help us stay connected as a family when every other night was full of activities. A night that I groaned about as a teen, but now am totally thankful for.
After my father’s passing something changed in my mom. For awhile we were concerned about her. I am thankful that she met my step dad, Bill, and found happiness again in Florida with him. We have come to love Bill and he will always be family.
I have had many people tell me that it isn’t fair that my sister and I have lost both our parents at such a young age, but in the words of my father “life’s not fair.” Words he would say to me when I would complain as a child about something not being fair, but words that do hold so much truth. Life isn’t fair. We can chose to focus on the unfairnesses life deals us or we can chose to rise above them. We have so much control over our long term emotions in situations such as these. We can choose joy. We can choose thanksgiving. For me, I am choosing to have joy in the fact that I had awesome parents. I am choosing to be thankful for the childhood I had and the time I did have with my parents.
My dad always joked that he wanted “Where you are, I once was and where I am you someday will be” written on his tombstone. These words do speak a profound truth. Life comes with two certainties, birth and death. We have little control over either, but what we do have control over is what we do with the time between these events. My challenge to everyone here is to live your life as if tomorrow is not a guarantee. Choose your words wisely. Let the little things go. Choose forgiveness. Choose joy. And appreciate your family and friends, as we have no idea what tomorrow may bring.