This post might be a bit different than my older posts.
Well tomorrow is my birthday and I don't know why every fucking year I feel most depressed on my birthday.
I just feel lonely and alone every August 5th. I don't feel special like most people are feeling when it's their special day.
Every year, I die.
No, there's no horrible thing that had happened on my birthday. In fact, nothing special happened on my past 23 birthdays.
7 birthdays ago, none of my family members greeted me. And it is just so funny that some people on facebook, who I don't even know, are always the first ones to greet me.
6 birthdays ago, i tried to kill myself and I don't have a god damn reason why. I just know that I just wanted to feel nothing that day.
5 birthdays ago I tried to seek help. I went to a psychiatrist and she gave me things to numb myself to feel nothing. Just like I wanted.
4 birthdays ago , I cut myself to feel something. And I stopped my medication cause I figured out that I had to feel everything. The pain, the tears, the loneliness.
3 birthdays ago, was a blur. it was a blur cause I drowned myself with alcohol and woke up in a stranger's place. I did that to forget that I'm lonely but everything came back when I woke up late in the afternoon. Worst than hangover.
2 birthdays ago, someone greeted me exactly August 5, 2017 at 12 mid night. She sang to me and i can't believe that for a moment, I was genuinely happy on my birthday but as soon as the song had stopped it all came back.
My last birthday came by like a normal day. I wasn't feeling happy nor sad. Just like a normal day.
Every year, I die.
No one has asked me before of what would I want for my birthday. But if someone would ask me, that would be HAPPINESS
How am I gonna spend my day tomorrow?
