Greetings Steemians!

In this series I will be sharing some of my faults, flaws and failures, in a way that is raw, real and revolutionary (I hope).

Since I am known for being tardy and unreliable, who knows when each installment will present itself. Yet, as you will read, I am determined to improve that about myself. I hope you glean some little jewels for your self, or at least have a few chuckles at my expense. I have learned to laugh at myself, cuz its way more fun than crying. Here goes.

As usual, I am late on activating my personal New Year's resolutions- but not quite as late as it might seem. My own personal new year, AKA my birthday, falls just a couple weeks after The New Year, and since I'm super self centered, my birthday is the only one that counts for me.

It's like I have a super size snooze button.

More than two extra weeks beyond the standard time for the personal reflections and resolutions that are common at that time of year. A perfectly imperfect (mis)alignment for my particular idiosyncrasies.

I can admit that I have always been, and apparently am still, a serious procrastinator, latecomer, delayed responder, what have you. Sometimes the term "retarded" feels a little too apt.

Sooo, it's now been over a month since my own birthday and over 3 weeks since the birthday of my beloved mate Hive account@quineaker. And by the time I actually post this, it will most likely be even later than that, since it will undoubtedly take me an exorbitantly long time to compose and put it all together and finally post it. (It did take almost a week.)

Therefore I am pretty dang late on giving the amazing double birthday gift I wished to give to myself, and on the birthday gift I actually wished to give to Quinn (vs the ones I actually have him, read on). Double gift, double late. Go me. Quinn jokes that one of my greatest super powers ifs the ability to kill massive amounts of time. The Time Assassinator!

Near the time of my recent birthday and leading up to Quinn's, I considered deeply (for me,) my own existence, my contributions, my creations and my value to myself and my family. I did not feel even close to satisfied with who I have become and what I have accomplished with my life thus far.

I had at the end of last year taken to a bit of self pity and loathing, and of course always I have good ol' blame and justification to help me support my hold on to my own baggage. But this year I have feeling that a really awesome year could be ahead of me and my amazing family, and I don't want to hold us back, nor get left behind.

I feel much more determined than ever to take the reigns, take responsibility for my life, and make some real changes.

I also thought a lot about about what I could give to Quinn for his birthday. Sure I could make him some jewelry, give him a massage, wear something sexy and go at it with more gusto than usual. But compared to the gifts he has given me, such as countless invaluable intangibles of insight and spiritual support, not to mention the three kids, continuous supply of food and shelter, consistent emotional support, and daily reminders, for seven years without asking for jack shit for himself,

those little trinkets just didn't seem like nearly enough.

I pondered, what would be the most valuable gift I could give to my super mate?

What is he lacking in life?
What could he really use that he doesn't yet have?

And the answer that kept coming to mind was ## a better mate.
Someone to really help, support and uplift him in important and truly invaluable ways.

Hell no, I don't mean someone else!

I'm waaaay to selfish too seriously consider stepping down or aside from the role I am failing at to allow a more capable individual fill the post! No way! I'm the Queen and heroine of this story. And yet I do realize that the Queen role must be filled better than I have been doing it for the past 7 years, cuz I basically have been overall a little more like a spoiled princess, and at times like a maid at best.

So the gift I wished to give Quinn for his birthday was: A More Awesome ME!

More focused, efficient, reliable, purposeful, dedicated, conscious, responsible, productive, helpful, honest, honorable, etc. You get the idea.
More with it. More on it. More awesome!

I want to be the version of myself I have dreamed of being for years.
I want to be the partner and mate I wish my partner and mate had.
I want to be the queen!

Quinn doesn't actually really care about his birthday per se. Yet I insisted that I did care and wanted to make his one special. So I asked him what I could do what he would appreciate and enjoy on his birthday. He told me a few simple and achievable things. And then I did other stuff. Wait, what?

I'm kind of a compulsive cooker (and eater,) and can hardly stop myself from spending hours upon hours preparing (and eating) food, whether anyone (besides me) wants it or not. Fortunately, Quinn has made it work for us, featuring my compulsive creations on the Hive account@gardenofeden 's Sustainable Feast posts. But for the first 5-6 years I was doing it, it wasn't quite as helpful as it has recently become.

What I actually gave him on the day of his birthday was a time consuming dinner that he didn't even want or care about, nor did he request, and by the time he got around to eating it, was cold. I gave him that "gift" at the expense of his actual requests. In my compulsive craziness and poor time management, I failed to deliver anything of what he actually wanted. I wound up giving him almost no attention at all because I was too busy cooking the dinner he didn't want and getting ready for the birthday party he didn't ask for.

As usual, I was overestimating my own ability, getting trapped in my own self imposed Sisyphus style cycles of dysfunction, and falling short of the offers and promises I volunteered for.

Everything he mentioned when I asked what he wanted I failed to make a priority because I was too busy doing other crap he didn't even want done, and then acting like that crap was somehow for him. Typical.

Wah-wah-waaaannnnhhhh.
Ya. Loco. I know. But I mostly only know it because Quinn spells it out for me. When I ask. Otherwise I would probably be oblivious, trapped in my own bubble of self absorption, justification, and compulsive busyness.

And to boost my own ego and image and make it seem like I am doing it to serve and support my family, rather than for me myself and I, I am telling myself and you that I am actually doing this as a birthday gift to Quinn. Shhh.

But no seriously, it really was my love, appreciation and desire to gift him with something he would actually value and benefit from that initially helped me realize:

I could be the gift.

So, mostly for my own selfish reasons, I am now giving myself a greater push than ever before to become better than I have ever been before. And I think I'm going to really try now to actually take some of the advice of the person in my life who has proven time and time again to be the most conscious and considerate, not to mention my biggest supporter.

Realistically, the kind of change I'm talking about is going to take weeks upon months, if not years of sustained commitment to upgrading my standards, habits and daily performance. In fact one of the faulty defaults I wish to correct within myself is the difficulty I have with sustained effort and seeing things through.

Since it will require a great deal of will and sustained effort for me to make these changes, it will also require a great deal of selfish personal motivation for me to stick with it. So thank goodness I have some ego investment, otherwise the ball would already be on the ground. Hopefully, posting on Steemit will enhance my ego investment and therefore my determination to succeed. Thanks for reading and for possibly judging me.

Don't worry, this post does not contain any self deprecation. This is just me being brutally honest with myself in a semi public forum. I do love myself, even despite the awareness I am living way below my potential. Perhaps I have actually been a little too satisfied with myself and my un-extraordinary performance in life, having relied on my good looks and the even lower standards of the general American population for decades to support my relatively high self esteem and self worth.

Lately I'm on a roll with embracing a seriously discerning view of myself, grey hairs, dark side and all. If I'm not willing to look at and acknowledge my faults, flaws and failures, how will I ever address them and become the person I wish to be? I can't! Unless I do. So I'm doing it. Because I have been complacent with myself for too long, and my life is passing me by, and I haven't accomplished half of what I believe I could have, if I weren't so riddled with dysfunction.

Here's what I have accomplished so far this year (self centered my-year, since my birthday):

I did amazingly complete a 14 day gut cleanse with turpentine, hydrogen peroxide, and herbs. I ate super clean, no meat or dairy or processed foods, and I barely cheated at all. A couple licks and nibbles here and there, barely more than a few tablespoons in all, for 2 weeks! For me this is a major accomplishment because I am a hardcore food addict, and I commonly spend more time thinking about and doing food related stuff than I do actually attending to my children.

I did also throw Quinn a nice party for which all the necessary components were complete on time, for the most part. The headdresses were awesome!

I have remembered to give myself and our children the appropriate health supplements at a higher rate of reliability than in the past. Not a perfect record by any means, but a marked improvement and for me worthy of a small auto-pat I give myself to help myself stay motivated and positive.

And last but not least, I have gotten online and participated in his posts on Steemit for like 6 whole days now AND written this very post!

There's more little ones, but those are the only ones worth mentioning here.
Go me! Go me! It's (2 months past) my birthday!

Here's hoping I can and will sustain a presence here on Steemit and keep on improving myself and sharing my progress with the Steemiverse and the world at large.

Thanks for tuning in!