The Waiting Game
My last post left off with my first ultrasound test at the hospital being scheduled. The uncertainty while waiting for a test is difficult for me to manage. If I know what the problem is, I can make a plan and attack it. Even if the test results are bad, at least I know what's coming. While waiting for a test, I more or less have to put my life on hold. I can't make any plans since I don't know what's coming. You really have a feeling of helplessness. Everything is out of your control and you just have to be patient. I have found the best way to deal with the stress is to keep busy. I can't let a looming test keep me from living my life as best I can.
Ultrasound Testing
Most people are familiar with the ultrasounds used during pregnancies. As it turns out, ultrasounds are quite a versatile medical tool. I first became familiar with the technology at university. My friend roped me into being a subject for his research project. I got to watch the tendons and muscles inside my leg move in real time. If you have never seen an ultrasound performed, it really is pretty cool. The ultrasound transducer has a piezoelectric crystal at its core that produces soundwaves at frequencies well above the human hearing range. These soundwaves are bounced through your body, providing a live view of what's going on inside of you. With no harmful radiation, ultrasounds are completely safe and easy to use. Best of all, some hospitals use a warm conductive gel which feels good on your skin.
The above image shows the ultrasound of a lymph node.
Anyways, I can get distracted talking about medical technology. On April 19 I finally had the lump in my neck ultrasounded. The results came back and basically just confirmed what I already knew-that a lymph node in my neck was enlarged. Now the doctor tells me he wants a biopsy of the lypmh node. This meant I had to go back to the hospital for another test. This time they would be using ultrasound to guide a large needle into my neck and take a sample. I still don't know why they didn't just start with this test in the first place. For another week I was stuck playing the waiting game. While all of this was going on, I still had to go to work and pretend everything was okay. I was scared to tell anyone about the lump in my neck (which I could easily hide with a collared shirt) or the tests I was getting. Hard to focus at work when you are waiting on test results to tell you if you have cancer or not.
Somehow I made it through the week to Friday morning and my biopsy appointment. Despite the scary size of the needle, the procedure was quick and almost painless. The doctor got the sample he wanted and told me to expect results in a couple of buisness days. While a potentially life changing event for me, it was just another day in the office for the surgeon. I decided to get out of town that weekend and visit my sister to take my mind off things. Unfortunately, by this point it was pretty obvious that I was not healthy. During my visit we went to a museum that my sister wanted to check out. Halfway through, I had to sit down and rest and let my sister finish walking through the exhibits on her own. Needless to say, by this point I was incredibly nervous about the test results.
Diagnosis (and the cowardly doctor)
I returned from my trip and went to work as normal on Monday. That night, my friend had free tickets to a concert starring Larry Gatlin. In retrospect, there was a reason the tickets were free. For those of you who aren't familiar, Larry Gatlin comprises one third of the Gatlin brothers-a country/gospel band popular in the 70's and 80's. Now, Larry Gatlin travels as a solo act reliving the glory days. He also works as a guest commentator on Fox news. His concert seemed to be a mix of his songs and his political views. In short, the concert was terrible. So terrible that I got bored and started checking my email.
That's when I saw it: DO NOT REPLY....You have a new test result. Please log in to your account to view.
I immediately went to my online record to look up the results. After navigating through the painfully clunky software, I read the following:
LEFT NECK, LYMPH NODE FINE NEEDLE ASPIRATION WITH CELL BLOCK: MALIGNANT CELLS PRESENT. MALIGNANT GERM CELL NEOPLASM. FAVOR EMBRYONAL CARCINOMA. SEE COMMENT.
Immediately I see the words Malignant and Embryonal Carcinoma. I know this isn't good, but I don't know exactly what this all means. My stomach drops as I start googling the words. In the background, Larry Gatlin is proceeding to forget which state he is in. I feel like the concert should be stopped. My friends, sitting right next to me are completely ignorant of what I just read. Sitting in the middle of a concert hall, I feel totally isolated. I make some lame excuse to my friends and bail from the concert.
When I got home, I cracked open a beer and started my deciphering in earnest. From wikipedia I find out that:
Embryonal carcinoma is a relatively uncommon type of germ cell tumour that occurs in the ovaries and testes
At this point I am still in shock. My test result is telling me that I have testicular cancer. In my neck. That night, I did a lot of reading on testicular cancer and I think I'll share the interesting facts in another post. The gist is that I most likely did have testicular cancer and it had spread all the way to my neck. Eventually, I ran out of beer and articles to read and managed to get some sleep.
The next morning I called my doctor as soon as the office opened so I could talk about my test results. I was furious that I had gotten my cancer diagnosis through an automated email. Who does that!? What a cowardly way to let someone know they have cancer. Any decent human being would have called me as soon as they found out. Instead, my doctor let me call him. He confirmed everything I had read and referred me to an oncologist. That would be my last conversation with him as my doctor. On May 3, 2016 I was officially diagnosed with testicular cancer-nine weeks after I first noticed the lump in my neck. Although not the news I wanted, at least I had no more uncertainties. No more waiting. Time to start my fight against cancer.
*Part I link. Let me know what you think in the comments or message me directly: Vir@tutanota.com.