As I woke up this morning I was struck with unwanted news...
This as an addition to some major emotional setbacks (private, family-related) I have experienced over the past few days.
It turned out that I had failed one of my recent exams which came as quite a shock since I 1) never failed an exam previously and 2) I throughout my life have scored among the top grades in pretty much every subject.
To be honest the consequences for this event aren't major, just some extra workload. You choose how you view things in life and personally I see it as an opportunity to learn the subject to a greater extent, and more importantly this event allowed me to reflect upon a matter I don't contemplate very often - the nature of failure.
Although this happening per se wasn't horrendous by any means, I was surprised by myself how well I handled the emotional response and thought to myself - wow, these years of studying self-development and meditative practices have payed off enormously. Using my toolkit to resolve emotional pain I was able to after 30-40 minutes let go of 80% of the emotional reaction and I could continue my day.
Regardless of the situation there are good ways - and there are bad ways - to deal with "failure". And how we choose to respond in such a situation is closely correlated to your success and happiness in life. Thus, I will share my views and ways on how to handle setbacks in life.
How to deal with failure
Is there such a thing as failure? I would argue that there is not, looking at the long-term perspective.
Yes, I buy the argument that in the short-term there exist "failures". But depending on how you handle that short-term failure, you may look back to that event in 1-10 years and praise the lords that it happened.
As I wrote in a previous 'Better You':
Inside suffering is the seed of change. Suffering is a moment of clarity, when you can no longer deny the truth of a situation and are forced into uncomfortable change.
Having an unexpected failure shoved up in your face, needless to say cause suffering. Although, from there and onwards you have full responsibility if you cultivate that seed of change that are found within the suffering, or if you just keep fuelling the flame.
This leads us to the first fundamental principle to deal with failure:
#1 Cultivate a mindset that seeks to learn from your mistakes and to build upon your setbacks. Then there really is no such thing as failure. Commit to a life of conscious growth.
The Stoic philosopher Seneca put it well when he uttered:
What rises from the ashes reaches more exalted heights than what was burnt.
He was truly correct.
Since it is impossible for us to know if an apparent failure or success will help us our life's bigger picture, measuring your results depending on that particular outcome is stupid. Thus, we need a new metric for success, we need to measure the process rather than the result.
The questions you want to ask and use as metrics are:
- Did i do my best, given who I was and what I knew at that particular time?
- What can I learn from the outcome to make my best better next time?
Thus the second principle to deal with failure is to:
#2 Change your metrics of success and failure. Look at the process towards the outcome and not at the result.
By our very nature we are emotional creatures. It is incredibly important to accept this fact and act accordingly.
Meaning, if you experience failure, you must also allow yourself to experience the emotional reaction that inevitably occurs.
Not abiding to this fact will only cause more long-term pain.
Thus it is crucial to not suppress, ignore or deny any emotions you're experiencing. Likewise is it tantamount to not blame or judge yourself for the emotions you're having - nor for the outcome or failure that have occurred.
So how do you accept and allow yourself to experience your emotions?
My favourite practice is meditation. I find that it is the quickest way for me to recenter myself and just let the emotional hell run its course.
In one sense that is what it's all about - letting yourself experience the inner turmoil - observing, watching, non-judgementally, and eventually it will slowly cease.
Important to note is that practicing meditation for example, usually feels 10x worse as you sit down and close your eyes for the first few minutes. Staring into your inner hell is not a pleasant experience, but doing so drives the demons away way quicker.
Meditation isn't the only way of course; taking a walk, or doing something similar where you alone just tend to your inner emotional life usually do the trick.
You can't control your emotions, but you can control the actions you perform as a result.
Thus, the third principle to deal with failure is to:
#3 Let your emotional reaction run its course. Tending to it like how a mother caresses her baby. Take distance and observe, you are not your emotions.
So how did I personally apply these principles this morning and what were the results?
As the news first struck me, I immediately went for my notebook and applied principle #1 and #2.
For about 15-20 minutes I wrote rationally about the situation, framing the event in a positive setting as well as asking myself the questions outlined previously.
To sum up my thoughts I don't regret anything in the process leading up to the exam. I had studied hard, the lesson learnt was that I shouldn't commit such a huge portion of my study time to learning from old-exams - but rather put way more effort into studying the lecture slides, making sure I don't miss any important concepts (which was the case this time).
As I had my thoughts on paper I moved to my couch and sat down and commenced a meditation session lasting for 15 minutes. The first 5 minutes were quite rough but as my inner turmoil settled and I opened my eyes, most of the emotional pain was gone. And still haven't returned.
To sum up the article in three steps for you to execute next time "failure" strikes you:
- Realise that there is no such thing as long-term failure and use the occurring event as an opportunity for growth.
- Sit down, spell your thoughts on paper and frame the event in a positive setting. Ask yourself the key questions and use these as your metrics for success.
- Meditate or take a stroll. Let your emotions surface and let them pass. Don't trap anything inside and you'll soon feel a lot lighter.
So thank you failure for not only allowing me to grow as a person but also to serve as inspiration for this article, which I hope will help a lot more people as a result
Previous 'Better You' articles
Better You #5 : How to Become a Professional and Conquer Resistance
Better You #4 : The Difficult Art of Relaxation & The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck
Better You #3 : Investing $1000 in Steem. Inside suffering is the seed of change.
Better You #2 : Hacks to improve your sleep and practical tips & thoughts to enhance your life
Better You #1 : A new Steemit project to help us all become the best version of ourselves
