Lately I’ve experienced a relatively rough patch in my life, and no, it hasn’t been any relative of mine who passed away, I still possess all my limbs and my green plant in the corner of my apartment is still somewhat semi-alive.
Basically there has been nothing apparent in the external world that I can point to that has initiated this downward cycle I’m in (well, you always cause your own suffering but let’s leave that aside for a moment). Which makes this event a lot more interesting to analyze, and furthermore to grow from (and hopefully to achieve better growth than my plant).
So during these past two weeks I’ve experienced a state of alternating physical sickness and simply plain anxiety. These two states feed into each other, meaning more anxiety is likely to increase your chance of sickness and vice versa. And the further down you go the downward spiral of misery the more likely it is that your other cornerstone routines fall off schedule, in my case my sleeping routine, my quality of food, meditation & reading routines etcetera.
This is exactly what happened, and trust me, I’ve been observing it for days, but still I haven’t been able to take right action in order to break the cycle...
Why?
Don’t ask me, I obviously wouldn’t have stayed in this shit-hole for the past two weeks if I knew the answer...
Just kidding.
It dawned on me last night reading Jordan Peterson’s latest book 12 Rules for Life where I gained a new perspective, a new lens in which to view this whole experience through.
Just as there are fundamental blocks in the material world - molecules, atoms, even quarks - there are fundamental blocks in the immaterial world, the world of subjective experience & emotions - where the fundamental blocks are chaos, order, and the transition between the two.
Chaos is uncertainty, when your life falls apart. When your once thought faithful girlfriend cheats on you or when a dream of yours is lost. Chaos is also waking up in the morning, not knowing what the fuck to do, it is also the act of playing the 7th game of DOTA in a row only to stop because you ran out of cheesy crunchers (yes, that happened yesterday).
Order is certainty, when you feel on track in life. When things are going along with your expectations of reality. Marriage is order. Order is waking up on a strict schedule, executing your morning routine, crushing your to-do list, and going to bed at a set time.
We need both. Too much chaos is self-explanatory. But too much order leads to stultification and a colourless approach and view upon life. We need randomness and excitement in our lives in order for it to be an adventure.
Life should be a quest where we go through hardship to slay the dragon, coming out as transformed beings, heroes, at the end.
Yes, archetypes my friend, it’s fucking cool.
Now when we have this framework we can now pose a theory for my anxiety-coloured period as of late. It can all be summarized in a sentence…
I thought I was in need of chaos when I was in need of order.
That’s the simple truth. Now if we rewind to two weeks ago we can easily depict my mistake.
So two weeks ago I was sitting sipping on a coffee, looking at my plant, contemplating its mere existence… (haha just fucking with you, I’ll get straight to the point)
As I fell into my first period of anxiety two weeks ago my natural response was to take the foot off the gas, figuring I might need a little break and to relax a little bit. Meaning, being a bit more loose with my schedule, playing a game of DOTA and incorporating some more chaos in my life. This initial decision I still would say was appropriate, and normally this alleviates my suffering, allowing me to enter a state of CRUSHING IT quite rapidly.
This time it didn’t really do much, so I figured I need to release the grip even more. And when this didn’t work either more anxiety arose, plus I got sick. This feedback loop continued and I couldn’t see that the more I was “relaxing” and “recovering” the worse I felt. Because I was at a point where more chaos wasn’t the solution, increased order was what I needed.
I needed to wake up early, clean my roam, shave my beard, order my schedule and start to fucking crush it again.
This is what I’ve done today, and it feels fucking great.
Life in its entirety is up’s and down’s, it’s chaos and order. You can’t have Yin without the Yang, or pleasure without pain. You have to embrace both sides and learn that life is an eternal transition between the do. It’s up to us to make the best of it.
That’s all for today, hope you can benefit as much from this theory as I’ve done.
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