Beyond The Wall of Shuthehellupitsfreezing
Our little party of nine (aren't they all magnificent) has bravely gone through the gate in the wall and into the snowy nothingness that exists beyond the wall, thus commencing their search for the Army of the Dead, The Night King and frostbite. Ginger, walking beside Jon “My word is my contract” Snow rejoice of being out in the wild icy open, while Blunt, who as he states has never seen snow before looks constantly bemused and at the end of his wits, especially when Ginger in a tongue-in-cheek manner alludes to the scarcity of women in this part of the world and the possibility of homosexual activities as a consequence. Ginger finds the opportunity to hammer the same message in Jon Snow's head – that pride is a sin and that he should repent and bend the knee so his people should not have to suffer. Jon being fed up with people telling him how to balance his joints looks onward and keeps his silence.
We are an American band
Blunt who was once captured by “The Brotherhood”, which currently comprises of Clegane a.k.a. The Hound, Rebirthed and Stable Drunkard still has a beef with them after they sold him to a witch or priestess for money and he is quite vocal about it. The rest of the team tell him to shut up and he precisely does that because whinging requires extra breathing and he is currently out of it.
Jon and Grayscale, who seem to share a few good tales about their respective fathers, either butchering people or getting butchered by them, exchange pleasantries as they walk down steep inclines of ice. Jon removes his sword (Longclaw) and hands it over to Grayscale, saying that it once belonged to his father, but we are sure he is just giving it away because he is tired of lugging a large piece of iron through the snow. Grayscale, being the polite and sly cunt that he is, admits that he has brought shame into his house and that since his father offered the sword to Jon, he should be the one who gets to keep it and hands it over, not wanting to be transformed into Jon Snow's mule.
Kindly sir ... take this so I don't have to carry it
And we are back again in sunny, green Winterfell … sorry, icy, cold and bleak Winterfell. Murder Frenzy is standing atop a balcony overlooking the game grounds below. Full Queen Sansa approaches her and Murder Frenzy begins regalling her of tales of the past which duly contain their long deceased father. As she delivers her monologue, she unwraps the little scroll she stole from Littlefinger's room and exposes Sansa's past wrongdoings in front of her. Full Queen is taken aback! How could this be? Her own sister attacking her? Quickly they fall prey to the claws of the blame game. You did this and you didn't do that and you are such a bitch but I won't tell you ill just keep insulting you with sweet words of dishonesty. Looks like Littlefinger's plan is working because divisive winds have begun to brew between the two siblings. Murder Frenzy declares that she is angry and that she intends to remain so (what a surprise) then promptly walks off abandoning Sansa in a terminus of cold and doubt.
Look it says right here, you're a self-absorbed bitch!
Since our little intermission is over, we are back at the ice fields where those nine (or ten) hapless bastards are desperately trying to get to the ends of their foot-soles. Ginger, bored to death of inaction, catches up with Clegane who is just the sweetheart and begins to toy with him, provoking his sincere ire much to Ginger's amusement. Looks like that those two are going to end up in a brawl but the scriptwriter thinks otherwise and saves that surprise for later, but it is revealed that Ginger has the hots for Mega-Dyke (Brianne of Tarth) a fact that indeed brings a chuckle onto Clegane's permanently frowning features.
"Will you fuck off?"
Looks like the merry band are quickly catching up on each other (a helpful feature if you are stranded a thousand miles away from nowhere) and now its Rebirth juggling Jon's balls. Again the discussion begins with someone's father (a recurring theme it seems) and builds up to a religious crescendo. Rebirth who has been brought back from the dead six times already, preaches to Jon who has only managed to pull that trick once that their purpose there might be unknown to them but they sure can manage to craft one for themselves (he is an Absurdist after all!) and that their reason might be to defend those who are defenceless against that which cannot be defended against. Jon “I know what I don't know” Snow, shakes his head like a convert, possessing not the capacity to rationalise either his thoughts or actions or anybody else's for the matter and obediently plies on like the true yokel he is.
The Lord of Light called, he would love to keep you confused ... i mean amused!
Peter Dinklage and Goldilocks sitting in front of the fire, sharing a cup of wine. Actually, only Peter is drinking because he is a former alcoholic and Goldi has a long enough stick up her ass not to need any other kind of support. The conversation begins with a terse regal of Goldi's past lovers all of them revealed to be dead and locks onto Jon Snow which Peter thinks that has the hots for Goldi. She is flattered, to say the least but reveals nothing of the sort. Beyond their idle chit chat about heroes, their height (ouch Peter!) and their propensity for dying in inexplicably stupid ways, they also discuss an impending meeting with the Lannisters and how that would probably culminate into both of them dying a slow, agonising death. Peter being the good Half-Handy Man he is, wants to make sure that Goldi is safe, and particularly wants to make sure that a successor is nominated in the unfortunate event of her demise, a proposition that angers Goldi (“When have I lost my temper?” - two seconds ago) which thinks that Peter has ulterior, Lannister-esque motives. She stomps off the map room after wiping the floor with his face, leaving him befuddled and bemused.
When have you seen me angry?
Back again with the merry band of icicle-laden brothers! A snowstorm is setting in (of course) nobody can see where the hell they are going and everything feels cosy and romantic until Ginger spots a “spot” in the horizon. The merry men, confused about their perspective, squint their eyes to discern, what on Oblivion is this mirage they are experiencing?
Look! It's your mother-in-law
The Hound is the first to make out the shape: it's a bear. Blunt is the first one to spot the blue eyes on the apparition (Electric blue eyes on a bear? How beautiful the wild is!) Their scout which is safely walking a few hundred paces ahead, recognises the danger (a tad too late) makes an about-turn and legs it. The merry men clench their ass sphincters and ass the scout draws to a close the beast jumps on him from the side, gnawing him then disappearing into the falling snow. The merry men draw their swords and band together, soon enough the scout-bearing bear jumps in their circle.
Fire lights up on some of the men's swords, (we will take a wild guess and simply say "It's some kind of magic") fire on ice!
On fire and thoroughly pissed
A swift battle ensues in which Jon rushes to strike the bear, the bear does with him in one swift paw swing, the scout gets his salad tossed, Clegane freezes, out of fright not out of the cold we assume and is saved in the last moment by Stable Drunkard which gets badly bitten, the flaming swords do a great job in lighting the long-deceased but strangely animated bear on fire, Stable Drunkard gets mauled, Clegane still stands frozen when a rushing Grayscale finishes the bear off with one quick strike from his conventional dagger. Rebirthed offers a flask to Stable Drunkard, which he gulps down in a combination of agony and joy and then uses his flaming sword to cauterise the wound. The merry band of brothers now counts exactly eight (or nine) having lost one badly paid extra.
If he was being paid more he would still be alive
Cutscene into Winterfell – again. Fully Queen Sansa is worried sick about the letter Murder Frenzy discovered. Littlefinger is there in the room with her as she is shutting close each door and window available – shhhh, everything must be done in absolute secrecy! Sansa is obviously asking of Littlefinger of advice and he delivers. Since Mega-Dyke has sworn to protect both sisters, it's possible that she might intervene if one turned against the other. Fully Queen Sansa nods her head in agreement unaware of the devious plot Littlefinger has devised in order to break up the Kindom in the North and its subsequent war efforts.
Allow me to fiendishly whisper in your dirty ear
A lot of back and forth in this episode! The merry band of brothers (nine of them – counted!) continues its slow trudge through the slippery slopes of Blizzard Land. Suddenly Ginger who is on the lead hears the clanging of metal on metal.
Is that Sunday roast i'm smelling?
Sure enough, the team spots a group of undead (or wights as they called them) moving beneath them in a file. A plan must be devised, quickly! Just like extra-curricular McGuyvers they manage to outpace the undead group, light a fire as a decoy and when the dead stop to examine the scene, jump them with longswords drawn. A quick battle ensues where Jon “The Baptist” Snow manages to terminate the lead wight, as a consequence each other undead soldier falls to pieces except (quite conveniently) one which is swiftly bound and gagged.
Ice, ice baby!
Victory for the home team only that the fray has raised the attention of an enormous horde of undead wights which are now storming the merry men's location. Blunt is sent on foot, sans his hammer to notify Goldi and the rest of them rush off to escape the horde. Soon they reach a frozen lake and they reluctantly step on cracking ice as the undead horde swiftly encircles them. Understanding that soon is too soon they begin to run towards a boulder in the middle of the lake – the undead horde follows suit. One additional extra dead later, they manage to reach the boulder while their teammate’s untimely death causes the ice to break under the feet of the undead, sending them one by one, like the snarling automatons they are into the icy waters. The merry band of brothers (now counting eight) is left stranded and surrounded in the middle of freezing fucking nowhere. Meanwhile Blunt, having sprinted his ass off finally reaches Eastwatch and promptly collapses.
FOCKED!
Our merry pranksters spend perhaps a day or a good few hours at least stranded on that god damned boulder in the middle of the semi-frozen lake, while a hefty chunk of their enemy's army stands motionless at the periphery having successfully surrounded them. Rebirthed finds out that Stable Drunkard has died in his sleep (now they are the magnificent seven!), the men decide to burn the body, Rebirthed spews some more of his motivating crap about the “Lord of Light” while Clegane spews some of his bile and hatred for the exact same cause.
Every Lord i've ever met has been a cunt!
Across them on a clearing, watching them, stands a serious looking fella, sporting immaculately electric blue eyes, a bitching dead horse and a totally grim entourage. The men now know that if a leader is eliminated all of the wights under his command also perish, and the dude on the flogging dead horse seems to be the leader of them all.
Hullo boys!
Aaaand we are back at Winterfell again. A supersonic raven has just delivered a letter addressed to Fully Queen Sansa – it's an invitation to King's Landing! Sansa does not wish to fall prey to her enemy envisioning a trap, but she does send Mega-Dyke in her place who is concerned about her well-being (especially since Littlefinger is around). Sansa cuts off her rhetoric stating that she is at home and that she is safe and sends her off to her little hike. Still though, if Fully Queen Sansa is safe and at home, why is she looking a tad worried?
Hmmm there is a slight chance Mega-Dyke is right
Surprise! We get to catch a glimpse of an over-emotional Peter Dinklage attempting to dissuade Goldi from taking off with her three scaled bombers. Pete fails in his task and Goldi comfortably slides on the back of her fire-wagon and then hurriedly hurls into a brand new and quite dangerous adventure.
There, there now
The merry pranksters are sitting dead in the water. Clegane, bored with all the sorcery around him begins to throw rocks at the congregated undead. A thrown rock which fails to reach target reveals to everyone (including the undead) that the lake has frozen over. Slowly, one by one the undead begin to march towards our haggard heroes and they ready up their swords in anticipation of a losing fight.
Oopsie daisy
For the next ten minutes or so we get to witness the wonders of mid-winter sword fighting. Always outnumbered, never outgunned (except in this very rare case) our adamant squad burns, slashes, grunts and kicks through a seemingly unending progression, wave after wave of unrelenting undead soldiers. Another one of those pesky extras is lost and it’s blatantly obvious to everyone that this fight will soon come to an end, courtesy of the enemy's sheer number count. Heads are being chopped, torsos are being stomped, adrenaline runs high and time runs low. Seeing that the wights are catching up on them Jon orders his troupe to fall back on higher ground. There the group loses another god-damned extra, nobody sheds a single tear and Jon momentarily ceases all activity, visibly disheartened as he watches the wights piling up on their position.
We are all doomed, doomed i tell ya!
But then, what a surprise, Deus Ex Machina descends from above in the form of three fire-breathing dragons and one perfectly dolled up and irreverent Queen. The dragons make sure that every wight within firing range gets roast-spitted, Goldi manoeuvers above the plateau where the stranded soon to be dead await her, lands safely and beckons the dismayed warriors to climb aboard.
"We don't need no water let the motherfucker burn!"
Now, here is where the stupidity gets extra thick. Jon “My balls write checks my body can't cash” Snow, upon seeing a female amongst all those flailing bony dicks decides to become extra cocky and flies off into the wight-crowd chopping heads left, right and centre for no apparent reason other than to impress that which now seems visibly impressed.
Just one more, i swear!
Every action produces a reaction and the five minutes Jon spends aimlessly swashbuckling amongst the horde, while everybody else is already safely hanging on the landed dragon's scales, allow the Lead Wight to arm an icy harpoon and lunge it, with explosive success onto an overhead flying dragon, causing both of its engines to rile up in a fiery blast and the war-machine to crash ungracefully upon the icy tarmac.
Bam, right in the kisser!
Goldi watches in horror the least of her children plummet into its icy death, all because good old Jon “I'll obey to the scriptwriter's dumb commands” Snow has decided against logic and reason to be a total failure of a smart-ass. Luckily a now stranded Jon sees the Lead Wight readying another frozen torpedo and hastily flags the rest of the team off before misery strikes twice. As if the irony of the situation didn't weigh hard enough on Jon's shoulders he manages to become overpowered by his enemies which hurl him into a broken patch of ice and into the freezing waters.
It's all your fault you damn cunt!
Goldilocks dracarys her dragons into the air, narrowly escaping another SAM attack all while leaving Jon behind, submerged and head-locked by wights, damn rightfully as he deserves. Goldi has lost another potential and thoroughly dumb lover and we have lost a good fifteen minutes of our lives being mercilessly beaten to shreds by a hastily written script which wishes nothing more than to crush our will down through emotional augmentation (see – manipulation).
Fuck it, we are outta here!
But wait! The shit-show continues! A macro shot focusing on the slippery edge of the ice Jon Snow hurled himself in reveals a gloved hand shooting out of the water. Jon Snow is alive – hooray!
Breathe you fucker!
We get to watch this abomination of a character climb out of the water, half dead it seems and then stomp around the lake like the dead themselves all while being marginally close of dying by hypothermia. The undead soon catch wind that someone who is and ought not to, still is and begin to charge towards him but then a lone rider hurling a lit flail around his head breaks through the ranks and intercepts a staggering Jon.
We are all tired of your shit Jon
“Uncle Benjen!” puffs an exhausted Jon Snow as the rider dismounts and cheekily shoves his sorry ass back on the horse. “Ride for the pass!” he instructs Jon and immediately sends him off while he stays behind to fend (unsuccessfully) the rambling hordes of the undead.
Another one bites the snow
Back at Eastwatch, a solemn funeral procession is taking place. Goldilocks, now a pair of wings shorter and a pair of legs lighter stands silently on an observation post high atop the wall feeling drab and watery, clearly in mourning about her losses. Grayscale comes and softly urges her to return home with them to which she tearfully decries “A bit longer!” Is she praying for the dead? Is she waiting for a miracle? We don't really know! She turns around and starts to walk back down the ladder when a horn blares and a guard shouts “Rider approaching!” Immediately she turns back, a combination of excitement and surprise drawn upon her face. Looking down the parapet she sees a lonely rider disengaging himself from the dense of the woods. Her breathing quickens, her brow flares up, her eyes widen.
Is it a bird, is it a plane?
Could it …. Could it be him?
Well, of course it is, you dense motherfuckers! How else would this snowstorm of inanity continue and still maintain a viable continuum in respects to its victims (viewers) satisfaction?
Sir Davos Seaworth and Blunt lower a comatose Jon Snow upon a bed and quickly undress him revealing the multitude of slashes and scars he received during this last new battle. Goldilocks is there as well observing the apparition in disbelief, a myriad of entangled thoughts racing through her head.
Fully Queen Sansa (we are back at Winterfell again) secretly slides into Murder Frenzy's room and begins to rummage around. She discovers her satchel under the bed and within it unearths a couple of “masks” one of which belonging to the old-fart (the head of the Frays) Murder Frenzy mowed down during the first episode of the series. Surprised and taken aback from her discoveries Sansa does not hear Murder Frenzy walking in and standing behind her. “Not what you are looking for?” Murder Frenzy wheezes and Fully Queen Sansa jerks into attention. There on begins a strange monologue, coming from none other than Murder Frenzy, a testament to her craziness (our team of psychotherapists designates her behaviour into “acute depersonalising psychosis”) which won’t detail at all but that includes an intense desire to be someone else by actually taking their lives and faces. Fully Queen Sansa stands frozen at her tracks. What is this madness? Who is this girl? After Murder Frenzy terrorises her sister with her inane talk some more she hands her the dagger Bran previously gave her and silently exits the room.
Let's play a game, it's called "commit me"
We are now on the ship carrying the comatose Jon Snow to safety. Still on his bed, he slowly comes about and begins to open his eyes. OF COURSE the first thing he sees is an over-emotional Goldilocks sitting at the foot of his bed. How fucking original! Upon seeing him wake up Goldi begins to tear up to which he replies with a twice heartfelt “I'm sorry!” referring to the lost dragon. Goldi's tears are free-falling now and she takes his hand into hers squeezing it softly. She tells him that the dragons are the only children that she will ever have and he tells her that he wishes they'd never gone but she quickly shushes him saying that now that she has seen she knows (damn Thomas's the lot of them!) She gives him her word that they are going to destroy the Night King and that they will do it together to which he breathlessly replies “Thank you, Dany”
Dany? You fucking yokel!
Goldilocks laughs. Dany? Moi? Jon “I'm bedridden yo” Snow realises his blunder and quickly covers it up by asking “How about my queen?” Over-eager to compensate Jon “My knees are weak” Snow also proposes that he would bend the knee to her, right there, right now but unfortunately the bed prohibits him from such elegant gymnastics. Goldi, deeply liking what she hears, asks about Jon's people; will they accept her as their queen? Jon is sure about it, she waters up again, they have sex through their palms once more and then Goldi ejects herself from the room allowing enough time for Jon to think and remediate while recuperating about all the dumb shit he has said and done in the span of a few days.
Let go of my hand you god-damned hillbilly
Meanwhile across the wall, the Army of the Dead has hoisted the dead dragon, now submerged into the lake, with enormous chains which collectively must weigh at least as much as the dragon and are slowly heaving him out.
Heave, you bastards, heave!
The Lead Wight approaches the draconian corpse in his funny robotic gait, bends the knee in front of it (symbolic or not?) and places a decayed hand upon his forehead. The camera pans around the dragon's head and locks onto his closed eyelids which suddenly pops open revealing an electric blue eye!
"No one knows what it's like, behind blue eyes"
Onto credits. Drums beating, strings bending. Yawn.
If you were encased in ice this week you might have missed out on these beauties.
Stark No More!
Game Of Thrones Season 7: Revisited
Game Of Thrones Season 7: Dragonstone
Game Of Thrones Season 7: Stormborn
Game Of Thrones Season 7: The Queen's Justice
Game Of Thrones Season 7: The Spoils of War
Game Of Thrones Season 7: Eastwatch
