I'm obliged to inform you that we seem to be present as uninvited and unseen guests to a house party. An old man (hereby affectionately referred to as “old-fuck”) appears to be head of the house-party and simultaneously head of the loitering men-party. We quickly find out that the old-fuck in question is Walder, King of the Riverlands, which we safely assume is a land full of rivers, a fact that would definitely turn regional boat makers and stone masons into the most sought-after professionals. The old fuck proclaims this feast to be in celebration of a past victory against a group of people, the Starks, or so I hear, which by the tone the old-fuck uses to deliver his blemished lines must have been hostile towards the Riverland people. He uses his traditionally squeaky, screechy voice to inform his guests that he is very pleased to be there amongst them, his “family”, The Frays before buying everyone a round of the finest “Arbor gold, proper wine for proper heroes”.
Despite the spite, grandpa drinks
As soon as the toast he proposes is complete and every living person in the room, beside him and his trusty little bitch, has had a full gulp of wine he utilises his still squeaky old-fuck voice to coldly inform them that they are all major arseholes, murderers, as he loudly proclaims and as such they should be put to a timely death which so miraculously happens as each man present in the room dies due to wine poisoning. The old-fuck nonchalantly observes his handiwork before (quite miraculously indeed) peeling his face/off, like a mask, revealing that he/she is actually a teenage girl (having also shrunk accordingly in size). The teenage girl (she must be a Stark, really) uses a not so teenage girl voice to inform the surviving little bitch that “Winter came to the House of Fray”, which is really just nice words for “I've just managed to single-handedly fuck your entire shit up” before calmly but victoriously walking through the heap-pile of her former enemies bloated bodies.
Old and busted, new hotness
Title sequence drops soon after, done in really basic CGI animation. Unimpressive to say the least.
When it's still, it's so surreal
Right after the fade out we are greeted by a wide angle shot of a frozen plain. Some sort of dark fog is approaching from the horizon and soon enough the fog turns into what seems to be a large army of frozen dead people (ice-zombies, how original!) menacingly advancing towards the camera (winter is coming, geddit?). The scene ends with a zoom in on an ice-giant's single blue ethereal eye and immediately comes alive to a zoomed in shot of a young boy's opened ethereal blue eyes, which inexplicably revert back to normal indicating some sort of “internal travelling” or “vision” on behalf of the boy. Could this mean that the youth is something akin to a clairvoyant? Who knows?! Wandering Eyes appears to be bound up like an Egyptian mummy sans the head and is seen lying on a makeshift snow sledge, being pulled by another haggardly clothed character which looks like – and evidently is a girl. This party of two stops just outside the gate of some ice-fort contraption, the gate rolls open and a bunch of serious looking dudes yielding swords and torches emerge. The girl proceeds to inform them of who they both are, to which information the serious men respond with cautious hesitation until the sledge-bound miracle-man addresses the leader revealing to him information that would otherwise only be personally known. After this astonishing display of conjuring, the serious men who are now quite visibly impressed permit the stray party of two to enter the gates. It's right about here that we catch the first reference to a “Night King” and get to enjoy again the ubiquitously portentous catch-phrase premonishing the advent of seasonal changes.
It's Mad Max, but without gas
Thereafter we are transported to an inside shot of a large hall (part of the odd castle perhaps?) where another band of merry men (and a few women and children) have gathered together to hear one very specific joker (this fucking yokel, Jon Snow) inform them about the Night King, the Night Watch, impending doom rolling downwards on everyone in the form of a perennial “winter” and how past altercations between various country “houses” matter no more in front of the face of a common enemy. Jon Snow seeks and receives the commitment of everybody in addressing this lumbering curse and we are treated with a general warming feeling of contentment, appreciation and interconnectivity.
Two packs of fags, a couple of quarts, my dwindling pride
Apparently, things for this “house” are going extremely well. Continuing on, in an outside shot we find the “ruling king” Jon Snow discussing royal particulars with a young woman who appears to not only be related to him somehow but also second in command. A messenger arrives and delivers a rolled up little paper (found bound on the leg of a carrier raven out of all things) containing a message from one “Cercei of House Lannister, First of Her Name, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Protector of the Seven Kingdoms”(with a name like that you definitely know when someone is full of themselves), instructing this Jon Snow character to bend the knee to her.
It's not long after that we get to see who Cercei is. From the get-a-go, we learn that she is decisive, ambitious, impulsive and wants to rule the world. We also get to meet a guy that could double up as George Clooney's retarded brother and who also looks like he would be most adept in operating farmland machinery. In reality he is the military commander of this kingdom, the father of their once lost child, brother to Tyrion (who is a cowering traitor apparently) and also brother to her which insinuates an incestuous relationship between the two (now that's unoriginally original) which would be really handy in orchestrating the most condensed family reunion ever. Through this small but colourful passage (laden with platitudes btw) it is revealed that Cercei wants to kill everyone who isn't Cercei and doesn't have an immediate knee-bend reaction upon witnessing her in person and that such an attitude rarely serves as a platform for gaining new friends and acquaintances.
True Perspective
Despite her profusely shitty nature, she does appear capable of taking strategic initiatives (while constantly overruling her “commander in chief” brother) by inviting an armada of black ships (rendered beautifully in advanced CGI) to a place called King's Landing (it must be the place Kings, land, after abruptly falling down from their thrones, wink wink). In true Queen Bitch fashion she invites the head of the “Iron Fleet” (which quite fittingly sails off from the “Iron Islands”) and their leader (if his name isn't “Iron Man” I'm outta here) to a meeting, Once there Iron Man recites his fables of personal heartbreak and betrayal and assures the other ruling “monarch” of his intention in cooperating only if he will be the recipient of nothing else in return but a Queen (to be precise, this Queen). Cercei, in truer Queen Bitch fashion, declines his offer but is obviously allured by this gangly rogue's proposition, much to her brother’s (and lover’s) restrained dismay.
This guy is a gem
During the following two minutes of screen time, we get to witness what doing “a really shitty job” looks like. Our protagonist, a round-faced, mellow natured, ample-bodied, robe-clad disciple of some sort, is tasked with pan-handling the potty pots of senile infirm patients. Beautiful interjections of shit-streaming into a sewerage tank and soup-pouring into bowls around a communal table in a mess hall cue in. This guy's life really seems to be down in the shitter, and the general attitude of people around him leaves nothing to contemplate about his status amongst his peers (rank: dirtbag), nevertheless he seems to be fully engrossed in an ultimate task, whose secrets seem to lie behind a meticulously locked rusty creaky door. In between shit-kicking, book-carrying, soup-swallowing and dirt-bagging he also acts as the medical assistant to an “Arch-Meister”, whom he reluctantly informs about his concerns whilst weighing the inessential organs of a dead alcoholic during what can only be seen as a very messy autopsy session. The disciple (Samwell Tarly – the most hobbit-esque name possible) reflects upon his witnessing of the “Army of the Dead” and the “Whitewalkers” (that new old story again!) and laments on the pervasive urgency of dealing with the threat which the Arch-Meister, like the knowing old fart he is, while at first admitting in recognising the truthfulness in Sammy's concern, intensely refutes him by stating “Winters came and went and the Wall never fell!”. There is obviously a great wall somewhere separating the undead with the soon-to-be-dead and this Wall has never ever fallen. The Arch-Meister obviously fails to see the irony in his own words and sends Haggard Sammy back into his slumberous silent shit-eating routine. Or so he would have thought, as a now extremely decisive Sam sneaks into the sleeping courters of the other Meisters and steals the keys that open the rusty door behind which, scrolls and books apparently detailing the solution to this global predicament, reside. Score one for the shitlessly brave!
Contents may vary
Outdoor scene – Castle yard – Falling snow. A tall large sturdy un-lady like female warrior battles a short stubby extra posing as a trainee foot soldier. The lady-looks-like-a-dude manages to win all three consecutive bouts by sending the hapless soldier hurling to the ground. Two characters stand on an overhead balcony. One of the two, a narrow-eyed, cape-wearing, mouse-faced aristocrat comments on how impressed he is of Mega-Dyke's performance to the red-haired girl Jon Snow was previously arguing with. She mockingly questions his intentions about approaching her, and when he slyly implies that he is concerned about her wellbeing she flicks on bitch-mode and cuts him off. Obviously, this guy (Lord Baelish) is utterly unwanted there but is kept around because his forces compliment the local army, as Red Sub-Queen explains to Mega-Dyke.
Pure as the driven snow
Outdoor scene – Forest – Early Afternoon. The girl who murdered the life out of the Frays is riding through the forest on horseback. She is drawn forward towards a campfire by the singing of a resting group of shoulders. As she approaches it is revealed that the lead singing soldier is Ed Sheeran. Murder-Frenzy girl compliments Ed Sheeran's song (my guess is that she was just being polite) to which he nonchalantly replies with a stark “It's a new one.” As soon everyone in the audience has been resuscitated after this shamelessly blatant marketing plug the girl is invited to hang around with the soldiers. Nobody gets raped and nobody gets murdered. Instead, the soldiers exchange the standard “grunts-of-war” tropes and tease about Murder-Frenzy. We can still see Ed Sheeran's ugly mug sitting around the fire but we are not exactly sure why because he doesn't utter a single word the whole time. After several minutes of idle banter, one soldier decides to ask Murder-Frenzy why she is riding solo in the woods, to which she calmly declares that she is “going to kill the Queen”. The soldiers initially freeze and then break out in laughter. How could that ever be?! She's just a girl! Murder-Frenzy laughs along with them and (presumably) then murders the hell out of them all.
Everyone's surprised mate
A group of soldiers riding rolls out on a snowy plain, spearheaded by a grumpy, grouchy fellow called Clegane. It’s snowing and it's obviously cold. Everyone is in a bad mood, especially Clegane who appears to be annoyed by everything. They find an abandoned house and Groucho Harks with two other men, one of whom Harks was verbally abusing a minute before going in. Once inside they discover the dead bodies of the family that used to own the place. Clegane begins to ruthlessly murder the other man with scathing words, belittling him about the fact that the “Lord of Light” insists on always bringing him back from the dead, whereas the long deceased family should be cherishing a resurrection. The conversation would loosely fit an atheist-theist debate convention, only this time the evidently theist apologist possesses hands-on-proof about his lord's existence, while the atheist party still simply chooses not to believe or follow anyway. The man which Clegane (who upon second viewing has only one eyebrow) chose to make his bitch, placidly interrupts and entices him to look into the now lit fireplace for answers. Our disillusioned friend initially and amusingly objects but soon relents. Whilst looking into the fire he witnesses a vision detailing the imminent advancement of the Army of the Dead and is visibly shaken when his theist counterpart asks him to acknowledge divine purpose. That same night Clegane is seen burying the bodies of the family that once occupied their newfound shelter. We feel right to assume that he is doing this deed not out of a newly discovered claim to faith but because he is simply being a decent human.
Coincidental Renaissance
Samwell Tarly is sitting on a table, studying the books he “borrowed”. It's night time and he should be pleasing his bae, who is sitting by his side rocking their baby but he is still worried about the dead and their unholy advance. He comments about the “Targaryans” and “Dragonstone” before he comes upon a page (as if by chance) within the book (he would have gotten to anyway if he had just kept on flicking) containing a crudely drawn map of Dragonstone, a place which itself contains a mountain made out of “Dragonglass” a material out of which special weapons can be forged. Sam the man, quite surprised by his discovery takes down note with the intention of informing his lord, Jon “Lazarus” Snow. Later on Tarly Gnarly pushes a food cart down a hallway lined with cell doors. He is surprised by the rotting hand of a prisoner which bolts out of the feeding hatch. The prisoner inquires about the arrival of the “Dragon Queen” to which Sam replies negatively.
You know what's coming
Who is this “Dragon Queen” then?
There ya go!
The mug shot of a baby faced young woman with laced golden locks appears. She seems to be cruising upon a warship. We get treated to a lovely montage (dramatic music on ten) of ships sailing, dragons (actual) flying, the Dragon Queen's flabbergasted look as she observes, apparently to the point of orgasm, an approaching island sporting an awesomely big castle at it's top, landings on sandy beaches, the opening of gates, the ascension procession, Peter Fucking Dinklage, a castle decorated with statues of dragons, a throne room bereft of a throne, a stank shadowy room containing a large terrain-sculpted table and the Dragon Queen (Daenerys Targaryen – whatta name!) exclaiming, whilst standing over said table, in true dramatic fashion “Shall we begin?”
This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Onto credits. See the name of Ed Sheeran. Yawn.
Did you happen to miss yesterdays inaugural introductory episode? Stark No More!
Game Of Thrones Season 7: Revisited