There are some bourgeois features in my life. Sometimes it comes from me and sometimes from social pressure. It does not seem to me that I wanted so much to go abroad this summer, but at least the trip will cause some kind of jolt that my life needs, not because they are so calm, but because they are fed up with all the stress and hysterics that it is not clear who they serve. I struggle all day, but I still feel war, I guess it's not a very original feeling.
So this is another day. I'll be on my way to Europe, especially Germany, a little France, less than two weeks. It's not clear what I'm looking for there. I'm being dragged a little. And I let myself be drawn, because I do not really have any better ideas. Maybe I will not come back, I like to play with the idea. There is not too much to return. There is hardly any family, and what is there is a source of quite a bit of stress. The apartment is also a source of stress. Finally when I have a feeling of a home, I personally take every bad thing that happens to it, or the building that inhabits it.
I scribble on my blog, and that's part of the day I'm in. I want to shout, but the shouts do not come out. Days pass, and I survive. And the only moments of hope are in the last moments before bedtime, if I am in a relatively good mood and I urge the end of the day as much as possible, but I know it's only an illusion, because the next day I will curse the new day and not know how to deal with it.
So what do I expect from the trip? I do not know how to enjoy, except for short moments like those at the end of the day, then at least as few as possible. Maybe I'll be able to improve French and German a bit. Maybe I'll drive myself to pedal intercity bikes and have a taste of more. Maybe I'll see Woody Allen's new movie. Maybe I'll meet interesting people, maybe it will contribute to the relationship. Maybe I'll come back a little new, but new-old, because I have no illusions. I and my angst are always together.
I will lay behind me for a short time all the troubles of this terrible place, both the personality and the collectivity. In fact, with most of the collective troubles I have completed, because they have ceased to weigh on me. Disturb only those who directly hurt me in my daily life. So maybe I'll have some rest after all. I'm leaving you, a disgusting land, for a short time, so goodbye.
