"I'll be there. Any time." Every grandma says that, right?
Three toddlers who don't sleep alone, and don't sleep through the night:
no problem, right?
So grateful my parents could come up and spend the day with the kids while we work. Nothing can beat that grandparent love ❤️ photo by my daughter
What Grandma dares to say no, not this time, not again,
not so soon after the last 2- or 3-day session?
Women tend to have been raised/indoctrinated to BE THERE for friends and family no matter what the cost to self, but I kinda like the latest new catch-phrase: "We train others how to treat us." We are responsible for what others "expect" of us and we can "train" them not to expect more than we can or should give. 🙂
"I continued to be a people-pleaser and trained people that I would be there for them - which then became our un-written, un-spoken un-wholesome contract," one life coach writes. We Train People How To Treat Us: You´re The Boss by William Holt
You can find this phrase all over the internet, and I'm not sure who started it. Luke Ford writes in Home Exchange: We Train People How To Treat Us,
I've often wondered why certain people abuse me. It never occurred to me that I trained them to treat me like that.
Here's another one:
Yes we do train people how to treat us by James Jordan
Yes we do train people how to treat us. Boundaries are so important. For years i did not have them, and it was a struggle to learn how to start having them. Most people will respect your boundaries if you are clear, and if you do so in an unemotional, non-attacking way. I had a real misguided notion about what being a good guy was.
This phrase came to me via a Facebook community where I asked how many grandparents with vestibular migraine would feel up to watching three toddlers for two to five days at a time. At ages four, three, and one, they are the cutest, smartest, sweetest kids on earth, but having them full-time is exhuasting. My husband and I have said yes every time until now, when they wanted to go on vacation for five days without kids.
I'm still a bit in shock that I said no.
I want to BE THERE for my daughter, but she and her husband take on more than most people could or would, and when they're overwhelmed, and local babysitters are too hard to find, what grandma would fail to BE THERE.... I have time on my hands (by choice) and I should share it, generously, unconditionally, without passing judgment on the young and hard-working. Ambition, drive, determination, goals of success, of course I'm proud of my offspring for working so hard. Of course I should be there, nights and weekends, to babysit. Of course I should treasure every minute of diapers, sticky fingers, broken toys and gadgets, manic energy and non-stop noise. What is wrong with this grandmother, this ingrate, this scrooge, saying NO to a second round of babysitting so soon after the last exhausting (but wonderful) weekend of it?
Many (maybe even most) grandparents, even those in good health, say they will not be the go-to for babysitting.
Taking on too much can take a toll. Stress and sleep deprivation and being TOO BUSY seem like a status symbol, these days....but it's killing us. I purposely keep my calendar as uncluttered as possible, to avoid stress. Where do I draw the line between enabling my daughter and her husband to take on more than I would ever dream of attempting, and BEING THERE for them?
But then I read this post, which could be titled SHE SAID YES:
Grandparent stories contest entry by 
... She wasn’t a Grandmother from those TV families, but she said yes to taking care of me even though she lived in a tiny flat. A 500 sqft, 1 room, 1 bath matchbox which already housed 6 people.
She said yes, even though she barely managed to feed the existing hungry mouths; she was on the list to receive a portion of tithe every other week, she worked in a construction site carrying bricks on her head under the hot sun, and she made sure nobody went to bed hungry. She said yes, even though she had two mentally unstable children who were already a handful.
She said yes, even though my parents, for the first few years, could not financially help her to take care of me and my brother.
And the guilt, or the sense of inadequacy, hits me again. I should do better! Do More! BE THERE, always! It's cataclysmic for me to let go of guilt over not doing enough for others. I could and should do more. Mind over matter.
"You've got to do something about those headaches!"
is a refrain that haunts me. It's an accusation, a complaint, a reaction to my Not Being There for others.
"You've got to do something about those headaches!" -- As if I haven't been for the past 40+ years.
Somehow I weathered having no babysitters or grandparents at hand; every afternoon I was nearly comatose with mysterious headaches that were not psychosomatic (thanks a lot, university hospitals in 1986), but a gluten hangover (thank you, nurse practitioner, over the telphone, the first in 40 years to diagnose me correctly). While the gluten free diet helped, the headaches hit hard, again, and a blood test showed I had become intolerant of dairy, eggs, yeast, etc, as well. Then the epic vertigo of 2020 hit, and "vestibular migraine" became another new term in my lexicon.
An explanation, not an excuse ... right?
I don't get to "play the invalid card" and say it's just too much for me to "BE THERE" for others if it involves driving or handling the noise, chaos, and commotion of my beloved grandchildren, who like my own children are a lot even on their best behavoir because healthy, bright, energetic kids are a handful. The old saying is true:
A Dull Child Gives You No Grief
My mother never said no when two of my sisters dumped grandkids on her for days at a time, sometimes four granddaughters at once, even when they were all toddlers. My mom is all heart and no backbone, a saint (martyr), a classic enabler and, dare I say, floor mat. I never asked her to babysit my three, never left them at her door and took off to go do my own thing. My youngest sister also never left her only child for Grandma and Grandpa to babysit. This sister also has trained us not to expect her to bail anyone out in time of trouble. Somehow, she learned long before I did how to say no and how to set boundaries.
Another way we can "train others how to treat us" is to educate them about "invisible" maladies: Lupus, fibromyalgia, migraine, OCD, a long list of health conditions are met with skepticism and doubt --healthier, more functional people, and worst of all, most medical professionals, call these conditions a mental state, or an excuse. (Naturopaths and herbalists and an occasional neurologist however may offer useful at-home remedies.)
The burden is on us to inform (train!) others what to expect of us. There may be sick people who are complainers who "play the invalid card" to get out of duties or obligations or chores. The Covid pandemic gave me a more valid "excuse" to stay home safe instead of risking my life or someone else's life (or even just their vehicles) by driving with vestibular migraine (recurring vertigo).
But when I say "no" to someone who wants me to rush out and bail them out of a crisis of their own making, I have a really hard time shedding the guilt.
I don't want to train people to expect no help from me.
Don't we all want to be like that grandma?
How do we live with ourselves when we fall short?
I didn't mention the week in June where I spent five days and four sleep-deprived nights with grandkids at my house, and I'm not even gonna "go there" now, except to say that it took a toll on me, and when my defenses are low, I'm prone to having an emotional meltdown (physical too, but nobody notices or cares if I'm in headache/vertigo mode because I usually keep right on going). I did however touch upon it just a wee bit in this post with an apology for a meltdown during a family gathering.
Off to shed some guilt!
Couldn't get a gif to work showing dog shaking off water
Must. Be. More. Like. Dogs.