(Disclaimer: This has been written 4 years ago and is posted in a different platform which I will not name since it is a private blog.)
First days have never been easy. There is always this uncertainty that the unknown almost guarantees and because of this, it requires a massive amount of skill to be able to chill during any first day.
The first day after a breakup is not an exception, of course.
I've been telling myself that I can do this. And that this is necessary. And that this is going to be a breeze. But somehow, the existence of this post proves otherwise, I CANNOT DO IT.
Well, I know I can. The Bible tells me I can. But as of now, I am not believing it yet.
Why?
Because...I want to hold your hand. I want to lean my head on your shoulder. I want you to pull me close to you. I sigh every time I see your name on my news feed. I get excited at the thought of seeing that you are "Active Now", but get frustrated when I know I can't talk to you.
Today, I have let you read my post about my broken heart. And it hurts me to know that you seem okay. That you probably aren't even going through the exact painful process that I am going through. Or maybe it was just a facade. Maybe this is just you showing me you're strong so I could be strong too. Whatever the explanation, I want you to know that this is so difficult for me. And I am hurting.
How many times did I shed tears today? I lost count. One thing I'm certain, if it weren't for the grace of God, I am probably tearing up every minute.
I refuse to talk about this on Facebook or Twitter. I refuse to let others know about this. Maybe because I want to protect you. But primarily, because I want to protect myself. Because really, I think I am just one hug and one "It's going to be okay" tap away from exploding.
I miss you. And I miss you so bad.
But I have to know my priorities. I love the Lover of my soul more than I love you. I value my relationship with Him more than our relationship. It may not seem like it yet, but I'd want to spend more time with Him than I do with you. That's the way it's supposed to be. If it will take a broken heart for me to realize that only Jesus can satisfy, then so be it. It's painful, but so be it.
I long for the day to be able to read this and be finally okay. I mean, REALLY okay. No awkwardness, no inhibitions. And all I will feel for you is pure brotherly love again.
But until then, let me grieve.
Until then, let me cry.
Until then, allow me to be broken.
It's 1:30PM now of the 9th of December 2014. A few more hours and I can go home. I can go to bed, and hope that tomorrow, it gets better.
After all, God's mercies are new every morning. Therefore, there is something new to look forward to.