I am going to attempt to express in words what I experienced on this retreat, how it relates to some of my previous posts and the breakthrough I had that can only be gotten through dedication to seeing these practices through. Thus, when I was urged by Bhante Suddhāso to attend the retreat, which was starting in two days at that time, he told me that even if I needed to quit my job I should do that and come. LOL. Not sure if he was in the beginning stages of trying to persuade me to become a monastic but I learned that what happened to me at that retreat was the most important and pivotal experience of my lifetime. And this is just the beginning.
10-DAY RETREAT: Vastness of Mind with Khenmo Drolma
The best way to begin to describe my experience is to share the way it started which was by reading the description:
DESCRIPTION
"Being peace comes first. Doing peace is something that comes from that foundation." Thich Nhat Hanh
Deep practice is the wellspring of peace, and the basis of peace is wisdom. In this retreat, we will be practicing shamatha/vipassana meditation as well as studying and reciting the Heart Sutra. The Heart Sutra lays out the ground, path, and fruition of Mahayana Buddhist philosophy; with this sutra as the basis, we will explore the vastness of our minds – the peaceful, compassionate spaciousness that is our true nature.
ABOUT THE TEACHER:
The abbess of Vajra Dakini Nunnery in Lincoln, Vermont, Khenmo Drolma is a bhikshuni (nun) in the Drikung Kagyu tradition of Tibetan Buddhism. A heart student of Ven. Dhyani, who she studied with for over 20 years, she has trained with the foremost Tibetan Buddhist teachers of our time, including H.H. Dalai Lama, H.H. Chetsang Rinpoche (head of the Drikung Kagyu Lineage), and Ven. Pema Chodron. A former college professor, she has a wide scope of experience ranging from Tibetan arts to Buddhist philosophy as well as stories of adventures within the Tibetan community and traveling throughout Asia.
This retreat is a silent retreat.
I’m not sure what, if anything, I got from reading the description. All I knew was that I was going. One thing is that I did not really understand, like viscerally, what I was about to experience. Make no mistake, it is not a walk in the park. But it’s not torture either. We need to approach these opportunities with humility and reverence. Do we love ourselves enough to get out of business as usual and head into the unknown? That is the question. There is also the possibility that we just fake it ‘til we make it. Just go and follow directions and we will be on our way.
Arrival at Rockaway Summer House Retreat Center
The first time heading down to the retreat center in the village of Arverne in the Rockaways seems to take a long time even though I have been there many times before to go to the beach. Walking out of my apartment in Harlem and down to the A train station on 127th St. and the subsequent subway ride which is a straight shot to Beach 67th St station. I’m greeted warmly by Giovanna Maselli. As you may have guessed from her name Giovanna is from Italy. As the story goes she moved to NYC and was looking for Buddhist teachings by monastics. Monastics available to teach lay people are more readily found in Europe, apparently and when she got to NYC she said in an interview with Buddhadharma quarterly magazine that she could find every kind of cheese she wanted but not monastic to teach her! To make a long story short, she went to a monastery in Virginia and met Bhante Suddhāso, a monastic that was there and shared with him her troubles about not being able to find monastics to teach her in NYC.* And the rest is history – he moved to NYC and with Gio founded the Rockaway Summer House. You can read about it here in this NY Times article Surf’s Up in the Rockaways? Let’s Meditate on That
After my initial arrival, and I arrived early to help prepare for the retreat, I was shown where to hang my coat on the many hooks on the wall adjacent to the stairs going up and then I ascended to the 2nd floor to a large room called the Valentine Room and dropped off my bags. People are encouraged to pack as lightly as possible, you don’t need much as all food, which is vegetarian, organic and ethically harvested is provided and we are sitting and moving quietly for most of the retreat. I got settled and immediately was shown how to set up some Japanese futons and comforters with duvets that were donated from a craftsperson in Japan who hand makes them. The center relies on the generosity of many different organizations and individuals.
Dana
The center operates solely on the Buddhist tradition of dana which means generosity. There are no fees for services and there are multiple ways to donate whether it is food, goods or monetary gifts. Also, the tradition of work – chores to help with the upkeep of the center while we are there for retreat – everyone is assigned a daily chore to complete at the same time every day. As well, there are opportunities to help with the upkeep of the center year round whether it is in the garden or the daily maintenance of the facilities. Participating in dana is a way to practice one of the tenets of Buddhism. Generosity is one of the cornerstones of relinquishing selfishness and honoring our interdependence which is the true reality of human existence. It is an honor to be able to give and to have so many opportunities to keep the sangha, or Buddhist community, going with the teachings.
All food is provided and we generally get two meals a day. The reason for this is that Bhante is ordained in the Thai Forest tradition of Theravāda Buddhism (as well as Soto Zen) and in that tradition the monks get two meals a day for sustenance. Also, traditionally, if there is food left over it all gets combined, whatever it is, and served up as what they call Medicine Bowl to have for monks that feel they need to eat something for their health. It is a discipline that causes one to put a spotlight on their relationship to food and learn to eat mindfully. Essentially we are living as monks for 10 days.
Buddhist Nun Khenmho Drolma and the retreatants at Rockaway Beach NYC leading us in meditation gazing at the Atlantic Ocean
The Retreat Begins
The retreat officially began at 8:00PM on a Friday evening. We arranged ourselves on the wood floor with zafus, which are meditation cushions, where we found a clear spot and faced the altar which is a wooden coffee table with a large, serene statue of the Buddha with large palm like plants floating behind it. Our teacher for the ten days, Khenmho Drolma, and Bhante Suddhāso were seated in front of the altar on zafus and large sitting cushions. We were orientated by Giovanna as to the guidelines of the center and of the retreat. We were to practice noble silence for the duration, if we needed to speak to perform our work we were to whisper or write a note. It’s refreshing to practice noble silence with all the noise we have in our lives from Facebook to TV to gossip. BTW, one of the tenets of Buddhism is no gossip and certainly one of the guidelines of the retreats. The underlying feature of all Buddhist practice is that they are designed to break patterns that we have in our minds just by virtue of being human that developed through evolution and also the patterns of habit we develop over the course of our lifetime. Very powerful stuff.
We go over the expectations for work, food and silence and are introduced to Khenmo. She orients us to the time ahead together as best she can...but honestly nothing can compare to the experience itself. We have a short meditation then as soon as we are excused noble silence begins and it is off to bed. People quietly glide about to get ready for bed, smiles are exchanged in greeting as comrades on the journey. I have a sleep disorder so I’m not sure how that is going to play out at this point but I’m not worried. I pull down my Japanese futon onto the floor in the Valentine room, unroll it and unroll my comforter. Whatever happens I feel safe and secure and excited about the days to come.
Imagery depicting the Prajnaparamita sutra, or the Heart sutra, the Wisdom Mother
The First Four Days, The Heart Sutra
The first four days we were introduced to the the study of the Heart Sutra or in pali the Prajnaparamita.
Prajñāpāramitā means "the Perfection of (Transcendent) Wisdom" in Mahāyāna Buddhism. Prajñāpāramitā refers to this perfected way of seeing the nature of reality, as well as to a particular body of sutras and to the personification of the concept in the Bodhisattva known as the "Great Mother" (Tibetan: Yum Chenmo). The word Prajñāpāramitā combines the Sanskrit words prajñā "wisdom" with pāramitā "perfection". Prajñāpāramitā is a central concept in Mahāyāna Buddhism and is generally associated with the doctrine of emptiness (Shunyata) or 'lack of Svabhava' (essence) and the works of Nagarjuna. Its practice and understanding are taken to be indispensable elements of the Bodhisattva path. ~Wikipedia
Essentially, it is describing the path to becoming a bodhisattva or enlightened being who sees the goal of this path to be for the benefit of the enlightenment of all beings. Having achieved enlightenment she sees the true nature of reality in that all things are inherently empty and devoid of the meanings we usually associate with the things that we perceive through our conditioned minds thus the term that is used emptiness. So, we read these passages together daily in kind of a group chant to focus our minds on our intentions. We read the Japanese version and the Tibetan version. We did this every morning and well as some Tibetan yoga – breathing exercises and some movement and stretching. We were old these were designed to clear our “energy channels” and we were shown an illustration of the Tibetan version of energy channels which reminded me of the channels that chi is supposedly traveling in Chinese medicine with some energy centers that looked to me like chakras. Not sure what I think of that other than to say I did feel a sensation in a meditation exercise kind of at the top of my chest I will describe in the next section on metta.
Generating Metta – Lovingkindness
Perhaps it was the third day, I wasn’t keeping a journal so not entirely sure, but we were guided in a meditation on generating lovingkindness to eventually radiate out to others. I had struggled with this concept for a while and the usual advice is “think of someone you love, or your cat…” well, this never worked for me so I asked Khenmo if she had any advice for me and you know she did! She told me to look throughout my day when something happens that gives me that warm and fuzzy feeling and use that. Sheer brilliance! One of the experiences I have of offering any kind of assistance to a stranger, like an elderly person in a grocery store. I get so filled up with that Agape love for my fellow humans when this opportunity arises and that is what I used.
Sixteen Step Breath Meditation
"There is the case where a monk, having gone to the wilderness, to the shade of a tree, or to an empty building, sits down folding his legs crosswise, holding his body erect, and setting mindfulness to the fore.[1] Always mindful, he breathes in; mindful he breathes out.
"[1] Breathing in long, he discerns, 'I am breathing in long'; or breathing out long, he discerns, 'I am breathing out long.' [2] Or breathing in short, he discerns, 'I am breathing in short'; or breathing out short, he discerns, 'I am breathing out short.' [3] He trains himself, 'I will breathe in sensitive to the entire body.'[2] He trains himself, 'I will breathe out sensitive to the entire body.' [4] He trains himself, 'I will breathe in calming bodily fabrication.'[3] He trains himself, 'I will breathe out calming bodily fabrication.'
"[5] He trains himself, 'I will breathe in sensitive to rapture.' He trains himself, 'I will breathe out sensitive to rapture.' [6] He trains himself, 'I will breathe in sensitive to pleasure.' He trains himself, 'I will breathe out sensitive to pleasure.' [7] He trains himself, 'I will breathe in sensitive to mental fabrication.'[4] He trains himself, 'I will breathe out sensitive to mental fabrication.' [8] He trains himself, 'I will breathe in calming mental fabrication.' He trains himself, 'I will breathe out calming mental fabrication.'
"[9] He trains himself, 'I will breathe in sensitive to the mind.' He trains himself, 'I will breathe out sensitive to the mind.' [10] He trains himself, 'I will breathe in satisfying the mind.' He trains himself, 'I will breathe out satisfying the mind.' [11] He trains himself, 'I will breathe in steadying the mind.' He trains himself, 'I will breathe out steadying the mind.' [12] He trains himself, 'I will breathe in releasing the mind.' He trains himself, 'I will breathe out releasing the mind.'[5]
"[13] He trains himself, 'I will breathe in focusing on inconstancy.' He trains himself, 'I will breathe out focusing on inconstancy.' [14] He trains himself, 'I will breathe in focusing on dispassion [literally, fading].' He trains himself, 'I will breathe out focusing on dispassion.' [15] He trains himself, 'I will breathe in focusing on cessation.' He trains himself, 'I will breathe out focusing on cessation.' [16] He trains himself, 'I will breathe in focusing on relinquishment.' He trains himself, 'I will breathe out focusing on relinquishment.'
"This is how mindfulness of in-&-out breathing is developed & pursued so as to be of great fruit, of great benefit."
Now can you see why ten days is required…and not nearly enough? When you look at it from that perspective, you can see ten days is just a drop in the bucket. So, we receive detailed instruction and encouragement. It is important to find a position that you can remain erect for half hour at a time so it’s not imperative that you sit cross legged…that may not be optimal for some and may cause great pain. Over the course of the retreat I found that cushions underneath my right thigh and left shin reduced the pain to almost zero and I also sat in a chair when I needed to. I can’t sit it lotus position because I am bow legged! Tee hee.
Breakthrough
On day five I had the breakthrough of my life. It takes several days to still the mind – if one is even able to still it at all – and I was determined. I followed the instruction to focus my concentration but not too hard as to strain myself. It’s a balancing act. Some of you know that I have suffered with C-PTSD for a very long time and it has caused me great suffering. Well, I don’t know if Buddhist practice is going to cure me but this is what I experienced – here I will quote my thoughts on the experience…
I experienced my mind as completely still. There were no thoughts arising and as I had previously experienced the location above my chest where I had generated lovingkindness I knew that the entirety of my mind was not in my head or my brain. I intuitively knew that there was no trauma in my still mind. I understood that the trauma exists in the karmic patterns but not in the center of my still mind. Karmic patterns can be overcome over time through practice. The root of the karmic patterns, the cause, does not matter so much as the practices to unroot them. This is more than likely because I have done significant work on the level of personality to heal from trauma. A thought tried to arise in my still mind and it could not gain traction and just petered out. It was an amazing revelation about the true nature of my mind. Suddenly, I began to have a pain in my right hip and the stillness broke. But I’ll never forget how I experienced my mind as still and I am now motivated for a lifetime of practice to go further.
We had the opportunity to meet with Khenmo to talk about whatever was on our minds. In the first interview I had with her a couple days before I was very concerned about some issues related to my trauma. But the second time those concerns were nonexistent. I told her what I realized and she said “That’s exactly right. That is much closer to who you really are. Now, maybe when you are troubled when this comes up in the future you can remember this.”
This is all I wanted without exactly knowing what was possible. I just didn’t want to suffer the way I have in the past anymore. I still get triggered but I work through it much more quickly now. I still have to set boundaries with people but I’m more aware than ever that they are suffering, too . Sometimes I have to set firm boundaries that may seem harsh on the surface but I do it with lovingkindness in my heart.
Moving Forward and Conclusion
I got accepted to last minute to a weekend retreat this past weekend called Weekend Retreat: Awakening Creativity with Sister Ocean and I had another breakthrough! This retreat was focused on the creative process, writing and some singing. I wrote a song! Of course, that is nothing new for me but I’ve been feeling blocked the past couple of years. I will share this all with you in the next post. And it’s great to be back after being off Steemit for 3 weeks. I missed you guys 💖
What do you think?
Check out my blog for other essays on Buddhism and meditation
*This story is accurate to the best of my knowledge I am waiting to hear back just for accuracy