Secrets of an Amazing Marriage:
Prepare to Transform Your Relationship!
STEP : 2
Choose a Positive Outlook
Martha Washington once said, “I am determined to be cheerful and happy in
whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our
misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition.”
Some people find themselves in desperate or deeply hurtful situations. In the
course of my life, I’ve lost my father to a heart attack. He was forty-nine years of age. I
was twenty-one at the time of his passing. I could’ve been bitter about that, and did
occasionally lapse into some angry moods. But only on occasion did this occur. Rather
than focus on losing my dad, I instead have chosen to remember the happy times with
my dad. My dad loved me and my mother and sister. I have some wonderful memories
with him. Why should I focus on the loss, when I can focus on what I gained having him
as a father?
My mother was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis sometime in her thirties, when I
was a young teenager. And I watched her health deteriorate over the years, until she
died just a few years ago. The MS wasn’t all she had to contend with. Her body wrestled
with quite a few ailments, and she endured more pain and suffering than most people
would ever be able or willing to handle. Yet I watched her continually grapple with the
choice of whether to surrender to the misery or to find and claim joy in her life. My mom
wasn’t always successful in her choice, and there were times when depression got the
best of her. In fact, her battle was made all the worse by the fact that, among her
ailments, she had chemical depression – often exacerbated by the various medications
she was taking. Still, I can write that overall Mom chose to see the best in life. She
consciously chose to rely on her faith in God and her love for other people to get her
through. And she won the respect and love of everyone who knew her, for her
courageous and loving spirit.
There have been times in my life where I haven’t lived up to the example
provided by my mother. In many cases, I’ve allowed myself to slide into anger and
bitterness over life’s circumstances and setbacks. And when that has occurred, it’s
affected my outlook in life, strained my relationships, and inhibited my ability to grow
and learn.
Bitterness and unhappiness are easy emotions. They are the natural default
when things are tough. But they will only hurt you in the long run.
Do you want to be known as a bitter and angry person? Are you known that way
now? Do you want to be seen or perceived as someone who is frequently (or, worse,
constantly) negative? Are you a chronic complainer? Have you been described as a
“whiner”?
Please don’t be upset or offended at my putting these questions to you. If you are
unwilling or unable to be honest with yourself, then you are in very bad shape. It’s
critical that you put yourself under the microscope. Give yourself a thorough
examination.
And as you examine yourself, don’t just consider your own moods and behavior.
Think about what your environment and the information you are taking in. Take
proactive steps to fuel your mind with positive input.
Choosing a positive outlook isn’t a simple matter of flipping a light switch. It’s a
process of firming up your character, managing your emotions, and incorporating
positive and constructive habits into your life.
Achieving a positive outlook begins with God and prayer. The book of Hebrews
promises that God is a “rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.” I obviously
recommend the Bible here, but I would also add Rick Warren’s The Purpose-Driven
Life. It’s a great book that deals with the theme of living your life on purpose. As you
read the Bible (and other supplemental material, like Warren’s book), bathe everything
in prayer. You should, as Paul says, “pray without ceasing.”
In addition to exploring your relationship with God, start listening to encouraging
and uplifting music, reading positive and helpful books, and watching television and
movies that will make you feel good about your life. We sometimes put a lot of stuff into
our minds that cause us greater stress and anxiety. Don’t do it. Just as your body is a
reflection of what you eat, your mind and attitude are a reflection of the information
(music, TV, e-books, conversations, etc.) that you take in.
I encourage you to put yourself on a steady diet of books, e-books, articles,
audios, etc. that will help develop you personally and professionally. To get you started,
I recommend The Purpose-Driven Life by Rick Warren, Your Best Life Now and A
Better You by Joel Osteen, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, Winning With
People by John Maxwell, and Save Your Christian Marriage by Lee Baucom.
The bottom line is this. Be proactive and strategic in what you put into your mind.
STEP : 3
Project a Positive (and Sincere) Attitude
This next step is tied very closely with the first two. You need to not only
possess, but also project a positive attitude to everyone around you.
People don’t like to be around negative people. In fact, negative people can
make an atmosphere (and a home) toxic.
When I say “negative” people, I don’t just mean those who are cantankerous or
aggressive in their behavior, though these folks are sure included. I’m also talking about
people who constantly gossip, whine, and complain.
If you wish to shine in your marriage (and, for that matter, all your relationships –
in-laws, children, extended family, friends, etc.), then be known for a positive attitude!
There’s a huge difference in how a negative person and a positive person are seen and
measured. Of course, your positive attitude must be sincere and consistent.
You can fake a positive attitude for a while – maybe even for several months. But
the longer you fake it, two things will happen. First, you’ll only be able to carry that ruse
in one or two areas of your life. Maybe you can sustain it at work, but it’ll fall apart when
you get home. Second, you’ll find yourself feeling (and becoming) shallow and
hypocritical. In the end, you won’t like yourself, as you’ll know – deep down – that your
reputation is built on a tenuous “house of cards.” Don’t go this route.
Focus on SUBSTANCE first, and then image. Your attitude must truly reflect your
heart. Communicating a positive attitude is most effective (and, in the long run, only
possible) when you truly HAVE a positive attitude.
The ancient Israelite king Solomon once wrote: “Keep your heart with all
diligence; for out of it are the issues of life” (Proverbs 4:23). If your heart is right, you’ll
be able to project a bright and uplifting spirit to those around you.
How do you project this attitude? That’s simple. If it’s there, it will flow naturally.
You just have to let it out. How? Smile more. That’s a start. Laugh more. Let yourself
enjoy life. Work on the heart and then let yourself express that resulting joy.
SUGGESTION: Make a list of all the things in your life for which you are thankful.
STEP : 4
Maximize Your Personal “Brand”
What’s your reputation? When people see you, what do they think? When they
hear your name, what comes to their mind? Before you answer this, let’s consider an
example…McDonald’s.
When you see a McDonald’s, what are your thoughts? McDonald’s has an
identity – a reputation. And it’s a reputation that, at this point, is fixed in the minds of
hundreds of millions of consumers around the world. This is called a “brand.”
McDonald’s understands that a positive brand means more money, whereas a negative
brand (or image) means less money.
Companies will invest millions of dollars to cultivate a compelling and consistent
brand. Why? Because a consumer will decide whether to invest money in that
company’s products or services, based on how he or she feels about that company.
Companies with a positive reputation have a superior advantage in the marketplace.
As a consumer, you understand this principle. Chances are you are going to
decide where to shop, based on which company you trust and appreciate the most.
Many factors go into your level of trust or appreciation, including your past experience
with that company, input from people you know, advertising, and more.
My father shopped based on these factors. I vividly remember how upset he
would get over a bad experience at a store or restaurant. That experience would fix that
company’s reputation in his mind, and would be the basis of what he thought about and
said about that company from that point forward.
In one particular instance, I recall my dad getting irate with a rather clueless and
fairly rude sales representative at a department store. Dad was so outraged by the store
clerk that he stormed out, with me trying to keep up. He declared he would never shop
there again (he didn’t), and that he would forbid Mom and me from ever shopping there
again (he didn’t really enforce that one). That store clerk defined that department store
in my Dad’s mind, and the store lost him as a customer from that day forward.
Stop for a moment. Think about the companies (stores, restaurants, etc.) that
you do business with or have done business with in the past. Which ones have a
positive reputation in your mind? Which have a negative image?
Again, the image you have in your mind of a company isn’t based solely on
personal experience. You may have a positive (or negative) image of a company that
you’ve never had any dealings with. If that is the case, consider what has informed your
perception of that company.
Let’s take the Nintendo Wii. I don’t own a Wii and, in fact, have never played a
Wii. But I nevertheless have an image of Nintendo and its product, based on
advertising, input from my friends, and seeing others play it. Right now, I can tell you
that I will probably (at some point – perhaps even soon) invest in a Wii.
You can think about any company or product – and they all have a “brand,” an
identity or reputation that they are trying to emphasize, shape, or change.
The same is true with people. People have identities and reputations. They have
brands. And that means…YOU have a brand. And guess what…people will interact with
you and think about you, according to your brand.
What’s this got to do marriage? Answer: Everything.
Your spouse will relate with you, based on your “brand” – your reputation in his or
her eyes. Does your spouse see you as childish? Does your spouse consider you
selfish? Are you thought of as dependable? Are you seen as neat or a slob? Are you
considered thoughtful or clueless, gentle or cruel? And on and on.
Note that these questions all deal with perception and perspective. You may
consider yourself to be selfless and compassionate, but does your wife or husband see
you in that way? How your spouse sees you is what matters here.
And don’t think you can change your mate’s perspective through verbal
persuasion or attack. Won’t happen. Your reputation is based on what your mate SEES,
HEARS, and EXPERIENCES in his/her relationship with you.
So, here’s my challenge. Don’t get defensive here. Take some time to honestly
ask yourself the kind of “image” you put off. Try asking some close friends (and promise
them that you’re looking for honesty and won’t hold their answers against them). Ask
your spouse (and make the same, sincere promise you made to your friends).
