"When I get defensive and start a war."
What would be the key?
The Paradigms.
Apologies.
"You do not like that you feel that way and that it was not your intention that you should be like that."
The calm.
Remember:
Avoid Justification:
In everyday life we can find ourselves in different circumstances where we have to try to reach an agreement, to fix a situation or to discuss an event with highly temperamental and difficult people at the time of addressing, this making communication channels between both people difficult. states of euphoria, impulsivity and anger that are often linked to the reactions produced by individuals, reaching a feeling of fear and discomfort in other people by not being able to deal with different issues of everyday life.
One of the things that we must understand, is that people when they are upset and come to show this kind of reactions in others, it is because they are defending their own beliefs of what he knows as certain, which in turn, are caused by our mind to make us feel that we are the center of the universe, this starting from our own structure of how things should be, relationships, friendships, work, business, etc., that have been adapted to our structures during the experiences and patterns that we have seen in childhood.
When someone or something becomes different to the structures that we have defined for our lives, they begin to take us out of the comfort zone in an involuntary way, making us feel uncomfortable and activating our system of "fleeing or fighting" that we have in the primitive part of our mind, which also makes us react literally as animals to defend ourselves from who we think is attacking us with their difference in thinking or their difference in structure.
We have to be aware that the person only tries to defend themselves because they feel vulnerable, insecure and do not know how to accept the realities of other people. It is at that moment where we have to begin to understand where these kinds of answers come from, since if we respond in the same way it is very likely that we start a war, being here when I say a super truthful phrase that says:
This phrase is a reality, because when someone attacks you and you counterattack by your mentality of justice activating your defense state, where in most cases it produces non-favoring results in communication, ending everything in a bad way, destroying relationships and not achieving good understanding between the parties.
The key in this case is linked in taking care of the way we respond, not letting ourselves be carried away by the reactions of our fighting instincts that are the cause of putting ourselves in a defensive position. The defense serves when there are extreme cases of aggression in the physical environment, but when they are not, the best we can do is explain our paradigms.
This is to explain very quietly your views to the other person, without reaching the limit of saying who is right or who is wrong, who is wrong and who has the truth, because in this world there are only perceptions that vary according to each person.
Many people do not agree with this, where they wonder why they should apologize to the other person if it is he who is super temperamental. Asking for an apology does not mean that we find ourselves admitting an error, but that you can mention that your apologies are because:
When we remain calm and act in the way I mentioned in the previous points, the other person possibly begins to become aware of his energetic state and begins to feel bad to enter reason that is the only one who is screaming, insulting and saying things in a bad way.
People have emotional barriers where we respond to their reactions, we produce the elevation of them, but when we use the tips mentioned above and we seek in a calm way to solve, we get him to become aware of himself and can use more the side logical to be able to understand us and thus deactivate that state.
This happens when you respond with the same cries, the other person justifies his state by blaming your reaction.