Are We Connected To The Universe?
When Bliss Turns Into Your Worst Nightmare Within Seconds
I've missed you all! I've been away filming Freekquency Festival in Portugal, and it was absolutely incredible, honestly one of the best times of my life and I think I'm still high from the feeling of being free (I mean it really doesn't help that I somehow managed to consume 2 cakes just before we left for the road trip to the airport, not realizing they had Magic Mushrooms in them because the local that was selling them didn't talk good English... but that's another story ;)
My Crew \ Southwestsiide
Returning Home
The whole trip was flawless. Can't fault it. Loved it so much and the group of fantastic people I traveled with, and the many I met along the way. Naturally, I didn't want to come home. And that feeling was made even worse when I received a text reminding me of what I had to arrive home too. I won't go into too many details as the situation is very personal and traumatic, but on my previous trip abroad I was set up and taken advantage of my two family friends who were meant to be looking after the intoxicated me (both double my age and good friends of my mother).
There was 2 blokes that were on the trip, and an ex wife who was at home watching through a spy cam or some shit (how the fuck does she even know what happened better than I do?), and these 3 people are beyond evil. They've been bullying me since I was 12 years old and my family knew how much I hated them. I have a third eye. I analyze people as I get to know them better, and even though I barely make any effort to socialize with anyone unless they contact me, I watch from a far and begin to understand people more than they understand themselves. It's my gift I guess, along with some really bizarre predictions.
Call me batshit all you want, but I am a heavy believer in that the universe is a lot more than we think. Humans are naive and arrogant, we know pretty much nothing about who we are or where the bloody hell we came from. Of course there's so much more out there, things we will never discover in our lifetime. And that's OK, as long as you live with an open mind of course...
So yeah I believe in connections to the universe. I'm not quite sure what mine is yet, but it's definitely there. How else would I have got on the train to the airport that morning and just known in my head that I was going to see somebody from my old school. I even knew who it was. I haven't seen or even heard from her in over 3 years. Yet there she was when I stepped off the train. Looking exactly the same as she did when I last saw her. Weird right? That's not the only booky thing that happened to me that weekend, but let's stick to the point.
The only picture I was in all weekend, and it's blurry :/
I can see through people. I can read them like books. You may not know me, but trust me, I know you. And I knew these pricks. And I also knew as I got onto my flight and received a vile message from the ex wife, that when I returned home, I was pretty much as good as dead.
I arrived home to discover my entire family has been gossiping behind my back, and they all believe I am "a whore" basically. So many rumours and lies. And my family just completely disregarded me as a human being and jumped to conclusions. But it made me realise, family is not blood. If it took something this shitty and false to show me their true colours then so be it.
So because of 3 manipulative arseholes that were scared of the truth coming out, and my family turning against them - this would be very bad for them because they would no longer have access to our free festival we host twice a year, I was completely silenced. They had my social media removed so I couldn't even write messages or reply to people about video projects I am meant to be working on right now. I was completely silenced and never felt so useless. I was receiving toxic messages from my family and some of our closest friends. They even reported ME FOR HARASSMENT. Let that sink in. They are the ones that recontacted me....
All while this was happening, the only thing going through my head was some words a very wise friend had said to me whilst we were at the amazing festival.
"I just honestly can't see how you don't see yourself as the victim in all of this."
And he's more than right you know. I refuse to let myself feel guilty over a situation I had no control over. It's been eating up my entire life for the past 5 months and now the truth is out I feel like it's my chance to put that shit behind me and use it as the biggest learning curve of my life so far.
How Does This Even Happen?
The universe, it just has it's ways doesn't it. I knew from the moment I met this guy (let's call him Boloney because his surname rhymes with it) back in August last year at my family festival, that he had a role to play in my life. I felt a connection. Instant connections that I can not explain. I get them all the time when I meet specific people, I feel it's the life's way of trying to tell me something. But the problem was, at the time I had absolutely no idea the connection I was feeling was a warning. To stay the fuck away and get as far away as I could.
But I didn't pick up on this, because I was not meant to. It was simply a warning to prepare myself for what was to come. I can't explain the feelings I felt and the thought process I went through shortly after I met him for the first time, it was completely alien to me and unlike anything I'd ever known before, I literally felt hypnotized, like a spell had been casted on me and I was unable to control my thoughts. There was a stem of attraction there, of course there was, but that wasn't it, that was not what this what about.
Life is a Book, Our Mistakes Are Our Chapters
This part of my life, I now realize, was vital to me, in many different ways. Without this experience and the backlash of it all, I feel like I would not be on the current path I am now, and I certainly would have never have gone to a foreign country with a band I'd known a month for a week. It changed who I am and opened my eyes far beyond what I could have ever imagined.
I'm not claiming to be a completely different person to who I was back in December, but there is certainly noticeable changes. I can not simply list what I learnt as it's too much. But I will delve a bit deeper into the connections I feel that I mentioned earlier.
Very recently, I met a large group of people, and the group keeps expanding, they are all wonderful, creative people with minds in the right places. I met them due to my journey of my chosen path, when I started going off the rails a little bit after the incident. And I'm not too sure how and why, but I know it's all connected. I met this group for a reason, a reason I'm not sure of but I know it's positive, and I wouldn't have met them if I had never met Boloney. Yet Boloney lives miles away from them all, and has absolutely nothing to do with them. He doesn't even know them, or know they exist.
So, how do I know he led me to them?
My downwards spiral he triggered into depression, quitting my job and pulling out of university, that was nothing but a wakeup call. I have been doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself and it's not getting me anywhere. I slowly lost everyone I thought I had, and I was a complete mess. My outlook on life was beyond low, it was the lowest of the low. Everybody I was surrounded by was exactly the same. No motivation. No passion. No hope. Bad thoughts all around, and there was no surprise either.
And this group? Why do I feel it was such an important chapter in my life?
I honestly do not know. I have suspected reasons, like learning how to overcome the fear of the unknown (which was certainly embraced on our trip!), developing a stronger, positive outlook on life, and of course, collaborating and creating some video projects with them. But then there's this thing that happened. And it's too weird not to be a coincidence. It has fucked my head up and left me lost and confused, but now I know I'm lost and confused on the right track at least.
The Many Roads
Life is just too weird. I can not get my head around it. I met someone a couple of months ago. At first I didn't really pay much attention, as I had met so many people in the space of 2 weeks my head couldn't keep up. I had analyses so many people at this point, and how I felt about them was just so contrasting to what I've previously felt when meeting large groups for the first time. It was just so overwhelming positive. I'm so used to being greeted with negativity and bad thoughts. My mind was a very chaotic place, struggling to work out what was going on.
Then suddenly at an social event, something just dropped into place within my mind. I felt drawn to this particular person, imagine how shocked I was when I discovered he had the same first name as Boloney, and was also significantly older than myself. Strange right? That's not it.
I won't go into detail because this isn't the time or place. But a couple of weeks ago I ended up in a completely vulnerable and intoxicated state and was stuck in a town until early hours of the mourning until my next train. It's all too similar to what happened in December. (You would have thought by now I would have learnt not to put myself in these situations, I know, I know, trust me I'm getting there, I'm going to be more than just fine).
And I woke up in this mans house and automatically my mind started going through the worst because of what had previously happened to me. But you know what? This is where I draw it all together. This is how I know that my experience was nothing but a chapter in the book of life, this was life's sign to me that I was soon to be passing the storm and moving on into the wind. I was finally going to be letting myself fly free.
Absolutely nothing happened. Well, apart from him being a true gentlemen and offering me somewhere to stay and making sure I was safe. Nothing. Two completely parallel situations, with such different endings. It's unbelievably hard to begin to come to terms with what it means and what it has taught me about the world and the people in it.
Oh and if the person mentioned above is reading this, you know who you are. I know you probably aren't going to read this, or ever begin to understand how grateful I am, but I just want to say thank you. Thank you, alike many others I have met recently, for being a gem among the coal.
This amazing piece of art and quote I saw the other day, concludes my thoughts perfectly
Full credit given in picture
Now I've gotten this all down and started to piece my story together bit by bit, I feel much better. I've had no one to talk to about this and its just been eating away at me for so long. I realize now I was manipulated and blackmailed and I am now free.
Accepting Consequences
I literally just got off the phone with Boloney. And he still refuses to accept he's done anything wrong. Despite the fact I have registered everything I did wrong. I know exactly what I did, and I know that it was not my fault. I had no choice. I accept what I did wrong. So why is it to hard for the abuser to?
Thank you for reading, I really hope this helps some of you to understand your mistakes