This topic is an extremely touchy one for me, but I honestly need to understand the WHY behind it, for my own damn sanity and peace of mind. I need to talk about this and find out by whoever is reading this, if they are a smoker, why I have this issue in my life. I want it gone! I'm referring to this damn anger that builds up inside of me when this happens, the smoking before or at a social gathering.
I'm writing this article because this has been haunting me for almost two years & as I mentioned before it is draining on me, this anger that I get when it happens. Now I'm not a smoker, but I have tried it before ( about 3 times ) & it's just not for me. I have absolutely nothing against people that smoke. I mean, I know people that smoke & they are some of the most intelligent, funny people I know. I can go to a BBQ and be totally ok if people around me smoked. Hey, it's your life, you can do what you want with it.
But here's when it really gets to me, and stick with me here. I get this intense anger, where I reach my boiling point so to speak, when someone I'm close with, be it in a romantic capacity or a very close friend, accompanies me to a BBQ let's say, and they always have to smoke weed when there. I have tried to analyse this for months on end. I absolutely don't want to feel this way, but I just cannot help myself. I have tried to understand why I get mad, and I'm 99% sure I've found the root of "the problem" so to speak.
- I feel that if you smoke weed while with me at whatever function, that I'm not enough for you to enjoy yourself. I feel that you need the weed to have a good time, and without it ( even with me there ), you're not enjoying yourself.
And that thought, or way of thinking, gets me so mad that this incredible resentment towards the person and the weed is invoked within a few seconds. Which in turn makes me think, "Why am I even here?" or "I obviously don't mean as much to you as the weed does". My company, my presence. It makes me think that I mean nothing to this person. That if this person valued my company, or me as a person, they wouldn't smoke while at said function.
Aaaah, but here's where it gets interesting. By me saying that, I become selfish, controlling and self-centered. I just said earlier that it's your life and you can do with it as you please. Contradiction much? Yes, I'm well aware of that, and that's why it's been haunting me for so long. I don't want to tell you what to do, I don't want to judge you, but the minute you light up I do. I try so hard not to, but every bone in my body tells makes me resent you. & that in turn causes so many problems, and even arguments and fights.
I don't want to be that guy that judges weed or weed smokers, but I get like that unfortunately. Ok, here's another curve ball you didn't know about....
- If you smoke weed with me alone ( I don't smoke only you do ), then I'm 100% fine with it!
Heck because I know you smoke I'll even ask you, "Would you like to smoke because I know you haven't smoked today". Do you see the @!!#$ problem I'm sitting with here? I hate it when you smoke with others at a social gathering, but I'm fine if you smoke with me alone. If we attend a social gathering and you smoke when we get home, I'm fine with it. For me that shows you could've enjoyed yourself with me and you didn't need the weed to have a good time.
I've thought about this and I think those feelings stem from a place where I'm worried about you with others smoking. I'm worried that you'll get pulled into doing something you don't want to while high with others. But that isn't my problem! It's your life. So why the !!@$ am I stressing about this? I stress because I'm scared. Yes, I'm scared. I'm afraid the weed will take my place as the person who makes you enjoy yourself.
I'm afraid that after all the time we've known each other, you will replace me with weed. & that is my biggest fear. That I will become obsolete. Forgotten. That whenever you want a good time you run to the weed and not to me. Selfish? I think so, but I need some advice from the smokers or anyone who's been in this situation. I need help to understand why you do it or how I can overcome this damn feeling I get everytime.
I smoke cigarettes, everyday. I'm a smoker. I don't drink alchohol. I just don't like the taste of it. When I was younger I used to get drunk and party etc, but not anymore. For clarity regarding this problem, the weed smoker is late 30's, I'm early 40's. I honestly want to find some kind of solution to this issue I have. It's causing arguments and fights with this individual whom I care for & love deeply & it's tearing us apart.
The saying, "If you cannot handle it then walka way" comes to mind, but I don't want to walk away, I care too much for this person. I WILL NOT walk away. There has to be a solution. I refuse to believe that this problem of mine cannot be resolved.
Just advise me what I can try or do. I'm open to any suggestions. ( Smoking weed aswell isn't an option lol ). I have nothing against people who smoke as I've mentioned before.
I want to be that guy that doesn't have anything against the weed smoking. I want to be that guy that doesn't have a problem with it and can laugh and have a good time with you when you smoke.
Help me with suggestions on what I can try. Whatever it is. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Please, I'm asking for help / advice.