The past few days I have found my soul under siege. Someone who I loved and trusted is responsible. I try never to open my heart to anyone in case they hurt me. But recently and against my better judgment, I let myself love. I found a place for her in my heart. An act of subjugation I deeply deeply regret. I believed that we were equals but slowly I have come to to realize that I was nothing more than an unwitting stooge in her cruel captivity. I have been trapped in the tragic tides of an abusive relationship for too long now. She has taken all my deepest fears and hammered them like a stake through my heart. I need to tell you my story...
04:00 - The night before last. I am asleep. Probably dreaming -a simple dream, a safe dream. But behind the oblivion of my slumber a hunter stalks the darkness. Its shadow; silver and silent under the bloated moon, it pauses and sniffs the bruised night air- it smells what it is looking for. Teeth and claws and hate flash through the night.... and up a tree.... and around the little birds throat. The animal drags it's prey from the safety of it's nest and into the darkness, screeching and flapping. It slinks home with its still struggling victim, marveling at how the birds blood looks black in the moonlight. Up the stairs, through the window and into my bed. I am torn from my dream and thrust into a nightmare. I remember hearing someone screaming, but I didn't realize that it was me until much later. With each desperate flap of the birds mangled wings I was splattered with blood, in my face, in my eyes and in my mouth. I looked around and there lusting in cruelty was the shedevil. My own cat, chewing the bowels of this still living dove. I could have prevented this. I could have put a bell on my cat. I could have kept it locked inside. But no, I sought to tame the beast with love. Noble purpose had led me to atrocity. The righteous intentions fueling my ingenious scheme were but delusion. I am a horror and amongst horrors must I dwell. I snatched the carcass from it's jaws and at that moment the she-devil let it's yellows eyes bore into mine. In those eye's I saw not threat nor contempt, but a promise of vengeance. I drove it away and took it's poor meal to die outside between the gardeners gumboots and one of those dog poos that are white and gleam like ghosts in the muted light that comes just before the dawn - ill fitting monuments to this gentle creatures final blood choked gasps.
Sleep did not come easily. Birds were eating my thoughts and memories. The promise of the hellcats vengeance never far from my mind. Finally the goddess Diazapam drew me to her breast and I let sleep wash over me.
I did not have to wait long for the felines vengeance. We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be seen and known....and make no mistake this creature knows me. It knows all my insecurities, all my fears, all my little demons and monsters. The next night I went to bed, my chamber having been cleansed of the slaughter that took place the night before. Sleep did not come without a struggle, I felt like I was being watched. I felt like something was waiting for me to fall asleep. I did not disappoint. Sometime near midnight my apprehension was over taken by exhaustion. Just before I succumbed I had just enough time to comfort myself that the cat was locked inside and therefore unable to sacrifice another bird on the alter of my sleep. Little did I know that that would be the last sane human thought I would ever have. I awoke as myself for the last time that morning. My mouth was dry. I reached for the blue plastic cup on the bedside table. I brought it to my lips and drank heavily. A familiar scent touched my nose just as an acrid taste started swirling and spreading down my throat. Then something hard and spiny scratched and hissed at my lips.
I slammed the cup back down on the table with my eyes shut as tight as possible. I knew what would be waiting for me in that cup when I opened my eyes, I had an understanding so large that it left no room for sanity. I hoped I was wrong...but hope can be a horrible thing. After a thousand years of purgatory I opened my eyes and looked into the cup. There was my greatest fear. There was my nightmare. The foul creature that I detest above all others. It's serrated armor shining red with hate, floating in the putrid black ink that is it's poison : The mighty and terrible Parktown Prawn. My mind recoiled in horror. I asked my self how this was possible? Who could have done this? Then I knew...the cat. I did not move. My thoughts had grown increasingly grotesque, reflecting my own transformation. I was not there any more. My mind had become a fugitive and had absconded hand in hand with my sanity. White noise filled my head and I ran to the bathroom to evacuate my stomach of the stinking black venom that was now spreading through my body. The knowledge of my damnation chased me, shouting, celebrating it's awful victory. My torment was not over yet - for as I was sprinting down the passage the beast let fly it's ambush. I looked into it's eyes and at that moment we knew each other. Then the beast fell upon me- ripping, tearing and biting at my foot. It was strength and rage and vengeance. MY only saving grace was the socks I was wearing, for if not for the ballistic protection of their cotton weave I doubt I would be here to tell this story. I seized the animal. My mind was still in my room, floating in that cup...a castaway adrift in a sea of monsters. My darkest imaginings welled unchecked, spilling from brain to heart just like the dreaded Parktown Prawn's stinking black ink. Impossible to remove. I had loved her and she had betrayed me. I screamed at my cat. "Why do you torment me so? Why don't you leave me in peace? WHAT DO YOU WANT YOU MAD BITCH?!"
I had to repay her the terrible gift she had given me. I had to put a stop to this forever. So I closed the bathroom door, turned on the cold water and I drowned her in the bath.
Just joking I blew air in her face until she got really really irritated with me and pissed off outside. Victory is mine but for how long and at what cost?