I remember holding him in my hand when he was just 3 days old. It was odd but I already felt like... This was my cat. Or would be, when he got older.
One of my mother's cats had got kittens and luckily for me, it was close to my birthday so I was already supposed to visit. I lived a one hour flight away from her so it was not like I used to visit every week after all. I was excited, as is normal when it comes to kittens. My mother used to show her cats at cat shows when I was little, they were not part of a specific breed but they would actually win over purebred cats in some categories. After a few years, the rules would change and you were now only allowed to show your house cats if they were spayed/neutered. It was a bit sad since she made as much as some breeders did from her house cats but without being able to show them off properly at shows that ended. Several generations later I now held a tiny little kitten in my hand that I already cared deeply for.
I usually try to not get attached to the kittens as I know they will be sold. I remember crying my eyes out and feeling like I'd rather die once when the buyers wanted to buy my favourite kitten. My mum decided to keep it thankfully. Fun little story about that cat; we thought it was a female for years but one day he well... Clearly showed that he was not a she. His name was Tindra but was later changed to Tintin, it was odd since he acted like a female and maybe he even felt like he was a female? Not sure if cats can experience gender in a complex way as us humans do, but this is perhaps in some ways a bit of proof that they can? Or maybe I just felt that his behaviour was female because I thought he was a lady cat? Getting side-tracked here but this is a subject I like discussing, so will save it for another time! Long story short, grew up with kittens, was used to having my heart broken when they get sold but this time it just felt right.
It would take nearly six months until he finally got to be truly mine. My sister was visiting so she brought him with her and I could not have been happier. I had recently moved together with my boyfriend I had back then and having my own cat made it feel like a proper home. It bothered us a bit that he had a silly name, like Banarne is the name of an old children show character in Sweden, so we tried out different names but none seemed to fit... He was a silly cat with a silly name. So we loved him anyway and it did not hurt he was the cutest little bugger I had ever seen either! His personality was amazing, even though he did not like to cuddle as much as I wanted him to. He liked his privacy and bonded with my partner since he was more patient than I was and he also gave him his food. I did not mind, I was just happy to have a cat.
Once summer came, so did the heat. I know, Sweden is not even that hot during summer but this was one of the hot ones! They happen rarely but it happens. This resulted in us having to keep the balcony door open. We lived on the ground floor with a small private garden area so it was kind of nice but neither I or my partner wanted an outdoor cat. Thankfully, Banarne was a bit careful and shy so he'd just walk around the enclosed area and not jump over it. For now... It would only take a few days for him to attempt his exploration of freedom and it worried me. Having an outdoor cat is a huge responsibility but also an even larger worry. And worried I would get soon enough.
He used to come home with claw wounds on his nose and face, clear signs of fighting. I knew that his father had been very territorial even though he was just an indoor cat and it seemed like his son would take it a step further. Sometimes we heard him fight in the parking lot and my partner would run out and chase the other cat away and Banarne would act like it was all planned, like my partner was his protective older brother. With time, we'd see fewer and fewer cats around and Banarne would rarely come home with cuts. One could safely assume he had taken control of most of our neighbourhood! It was almost like one could feel impressed by that feat!
Having an outdoor cat can sometimes be like having a teenager, sometimes they stay up late and sometimes they do not come home at all. The reason we had to keep him as an outdoor cat was because of the fact that he was stubborn and loud. When he did not get his way he would yell in a way that broke my heart. And he would not stop yelling or scratching at the door no matter how long time had passed since we had closed it. For our own sake we had to let him out!
When Banarne did not come home I always imagined the worst. He had been taken by that fox roaming around, hit by a car or someone had thought he was a stray and taken him in. I remember a few times that were especially painful. It was one of the colder winter nights and he had been gone for more than a day. My partner and I took a long walk around the neighbourhood calling out for him in hope that we would hear his kinder miow that sounds like "Yeah, yeah I'm here give me food" But we never heard that. I thought he had frozen to death when we got home. Keeping the door open was not an option because of the cold but thankfully we knew he was stubborn and loud. In the end, we heard him yelling outside to come in and he just strutted inside like it was no big deal once we opened the door.
We were supposed to travel once and Banarne came in and did not look well at all. He had never gotten sick before but now he looked sluggish, refused to eat, refused to drink and mostly just wanted to lay down. These were all worrying signs. We called the vet but they told us to wait and observe. My partners father was supposed to watch him while we were away but we did not feel comfortable, or that it was justified, for us both to leave when our furbaby was ill so my partner stayed and I left. Thankfully Banarne got better just a few days later, maybe he faked being sick because he sensed that we were going somewhere?
He was never a cuddly cat so the times he wanted to lay in bed instead of in one of his many other beds (he had claimed several pieces of furniture as his own so my partner put blankets on them so he would be able to rest more comfortably) it was always a special occasion. I would be scared to move in case he would see it as me telling him to go so I'd just lay very still and maybe pat his head a bit while being happy he wanted to be with me.
Banarne hated other cats with a passion, he seemed to take pride in his territory and ability to defend it so it was a huge surprise when my partner called and told me that Banarne had taken another cat with him home. I was sadly away so I never got to see it but apparently, he had shown his cat lady friend the glass he drinks from, where the litterbox was and where the location of the food. She liked the latter part the most. He took her home on more occasions and I remember that her fur was so soft and she was so nice and friendly. She always ate all his food and waltzed out shortly after. It would seem that he had a girlfriend and apparently he still takes her home from time to time even several years later!
All good things must come to an end. My partner and I got a good 6.5 years together that I will always cherish but it was time for us to move on. It was sad but the thing that was even sadder was knowing I could not take Banarne with me. Even though he was technically my cat I knew he loved my partner more and also, he was an outdoor cat with a little girlfriend so... Even if it broke my heart I knew I had to leave him. My heart is still broken, I miss him every day even though it has been 2 years since I last saw him. I do not have any kids so I do not know what to feel for human children but in some ways, he feels like my child. I held him when he was little, watched him grow, cleaned his cuts, fed him, pet him, hugged him and cried when he was missing. Even if it hurts, I am happy that he gets to live his life to the fullest. My ex sends pictures of him quite often and they never fail to make me smile. Sorry for the long post but... If you have a furbaby, you know how much you can feel for one. So Banarne, if you could read this, you would know just how much I love you and how much joy you have brought me. You are the best cat one can ever have. Never forget that.
This is Lillen, it means 'Little Guy' in Swedish. It is Banarnes nephew. I see so much of Banarne in him it is insane. The way they run when they are too full of energy, how he suddenly starts to claw you when you pet his tummy too much and the way he yells in that super annoying manner when he does not get his way. Cats do not get as old as us and therefore we will have several of them during our lifetimes. I feel blessed that I have been able to know these two, and even if Lillen can never replace Banarne, he can get his own place in my very big, catloving heart.
