WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE
SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. AND YOU CAN FEEL THE EXCITEMENT. EVERYBODY IS SO EXCITED ABOUT
DAY FIVE OF THE LIVE IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH. THE WITNESSES HAVE BEEN
COMPELLING, THEY'VE CORROBORATED WHAT THE WHISTLEBLOWER SAID, BUT
THE PEOPLE ON THE TV SAY THIS WHOLE THING HAS ONE PROBLEM --
>> THE ISSUE KEEPS ON BEING KIND OF COMPLICATED FOR PEOPLE TO
FOLLOW. >> HAS THIS GOTTEN TOO CONFUSING
FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE? >> THERE ARE TOO MANY NAMES, AND
TOO MANY OF YOU TELL ME YOU'RE TOO CONFUSED. >> I KNOW THAT SOMETIMES IT'S
NOT EASY TO FOLLOW ALL OF THESE NAMES IN THIS PARTICULAR SAGA. >> STEPHEN: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY
CLAIMING THAT IT'S NOT EASY FOR AMERICANS TO FOLLOW SAGAS WITH A
LOT OF CHARACTERS? HAVE YOU HEARD OF "GAME OF
THRONES?" FOR PETE'S SAKE! IT WAS PRETTY POPULAR! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND THESE HEARINGS ARE A LOT LIKE "GAME OF THRONES:" THE
G.O.P. IS FULL OF WHITE WALKERS. LINDSEY GRAHAM HAS CLEARLY HAD
HIS BALLS CUT OFF, AND AT LEAST ONE CHARACTER HAS INDICATED HE
WANTS TO SLEEP WITH A FAMILY MEMBER. >> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS! WHAT? >> Stephen: I'M NOT NAMING
NAMES. >> Jon: WHAT? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THAT JOKE WAS BASED ON A TRUE STORY. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S WHY FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY, WE'RE RECHRISTENING OUR COVERAGE
OF THE IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS: "GAME OF PHONES! A SONG OF LIES AND LIARS." (BIRD CAW)
>> STEPHEN: NOW, DESPITE WHAT THE BRAIN TRUST THERE CLAIM,
THIS IS A VERY SIMPLE STORY. TRUMP RELEASED THE TRANSCRIPT OF
HIS "PERFECT PHONE CALL" BACK IN SEPTEMBER, IN WHICH THE
PRESIDENT OF UKRAINE SAID HE WANTS MORE MILITARY AID, THEN
TRUMP IMMEDIATELY REPLIED, "I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO US A FAVOR,
THOUGH," AND THEN ASKED ZELENSKY TO INVESTIGATE CLINTON'S SERVER
AND JOE BIDEN. NOT ROCKET SURGERY. BUT TO HELP EVERYONE REMEMBER,
WE'VE WRITTEN THIS CATCHY JINGLE. ♪ THERE'S JUST ONE THING
THAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ♪ TRUMP SAID --
"DO US A FAVOR, THOUGH" ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: EVERYBODY! ♪ THERE'S JUST ONE THING
THAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ♪ TRUMP SAID --
"DO US A FAVOR, THOUGH" ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: NICE JINGLE. >> Stephen:. ♪ BY MEAN. ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: NOW, TODAY'S TESTIMONY WAS ALSO EASY FOR YOU
TO UNDERSTAND AND HARD FOR TRUMP TO SWALLOW. FIRST UP, DIPLOMATIC AIDE AND
1960S SEARS ROEBUCK MANNEQUIN, DAVID HOLMES. HOLMES WAS STATIONED IN UKRAINE,
AND LEADING UP TO THE SWEARING IN OF THE NEW UKRAINIAN
PRESIDENT, HE SAID THERE WAS A SLIGHT PROBLEM --
>> AT ONE POINT, DURING A PRELIMINARY MEETING OF THE
INAUGURAL DELEGATION, SOMEONE WONDERED WHY MR. GIULIANI WAS SO
ACTIVE IN THE MEETING, WITH RESPECT TO UKRAINE. MY REACTION WAS THAT AMBASSADOR
SONDLAND STATED, EVERY TIME RUDY GETS INVOLVED, "HE GOES AND F'S
EVERYTHING UP." ( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: OH, WOW. >> Stephen: YES. >> Jon: UH-HUH. ( PIANO RIFF )
>> STEPHEN: WHICH, THIS BEING CBS, I'M GOING TO SAY, MEANS
RUDY "FUNS" EVERYTHING UP. HE IS ONE DUMB MOTHER-FUNNER. ( LAUGHTER )
HOLMES IS BEST KNOWN FOR OVERHEARING TRUMP'S PHONE CALL
WITH GORDON SONDLAND IN A UKRAINIAN RESTAURANT-- BUT TRUMP
SAYS THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. "I HAVE BEEN WATCHING PEOPLE
MAKING PHONE CALLS MY ENTIRE LIFE. MY HEARING IS, AND HAS BEEN,
GREAT. NEVER HAVE I BEEN WATCHING A
PERSON MAKING A CALL, WHICH WAS NOT ON SPEAKERPHONE, AND BEEN
ABLE TO HEAR OR UNDERSTAND A CONVERSATION." REALLY? REALLY? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
REALLY? MAYBE BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN
WATCHING PHONE CALLS. TRY LISTENING TO THEM. (AS TRUMP)
"NO MATTER HOW WIDE I OPENED MY EYES, I COULDN'T HEAR A THING. I MIGHT NEED GLASSES." ( LAUGHTER )
THE OTHER WITNESS TODAY WAS FORMER WHITE HOUSE ADVISOR AND
ROLE THAT'S GOING TO FINALLY WIN LAURIE METCALF AN OSCAR, FIONA
HILL. DR. HILL GREW UP IN ENGLAND AND
CAME INTO THE HEARING WITH A REPUTATION FOR NOT SUFFERING
FOOLS LIGHTLY. ONCE, WHEN SHE WAS 11, A BOY IN
HER CLASS SET ONE OF HER PIGTAILS ON FIRE WHILE SHE WAS
TAKING A TEST. SHE PUT THE FIRE OUT WITH HER
HANDS, AND FINISHED THE TEST. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THAT'S FIERCE! >> Stephen: THAT IS TOUGH! YOU DON'T MESS WITH THAT. SHE IS A TERROR IN PIGTAILS. FORGET PIPPI LONGSTOCKING, SHE'S
PIPPI ASS-KICKING. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE FIRST BUTTS SHE BOOTED THIS MORNING WERE REPUBLICANS WHO
INSIST ON FLOATING BIZARRE CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUT THE
2016 ELECTION. >> BASED ON QUESTIONS AND
STATEMENTS I HAVE HEARD, SOME OF YOU ON THIS COMMITTEE APPEAR TO
BELIEVE THAT RUSSIA AND ITS SECURITY SERVICES DID NOT
CONDUCT A CAMPAIGN AGAINST OUR COUNTRY, AND THAT PERHAPS,
SOMEHOW, FOR SOME REASON, UKRAINE DID. THIS IS A FICTIONAL NARRATIVE
THAT HAS BEEN PERPETRATED AND PROPAGATED BY THE RUSSIAN
SECURITY SERVICES THEMSELVES. THESE FICTIONS ARE HARMFUL, EVEN
IF THEY ARE DEPLOYED FOR PURELY DOMESTIC POLITICAL PURPOSES. >> STEPHEN: (AS DUMB REPUBLICAN)
"ARE YOU SURE? BECAUSE THIS ARTICLE IN 'RUSSIA
TODAY' SAYS THAT YOU'RE AN ILLUMINATI LIZARD PERSON AND I'M
VERY SMART." HANDSOME MAN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HILL HAD A STARK WARNING FOR AMERICANS. >> THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT'S GOAL
IS TO WEAKEN OUR COUNTRY. >> STEPHEN: SORRY, RUSSIA. YOU ALREADY GOT BEAT TO THE
PUNCH BY LEGAL WEED AND NETFLIX. ( LAUGHTER )
HILL CONFIRMED PREVIOUS REPORTS THAT NOBODY LIKES RUDY GIULIANI. >> AMBASSADOR BOLTON HAD LOOKED
PAINED, BASICALLY INDICATED WITH BODY LANGUAGE THAT THERE WAS
NOTHING MUCH WE COULD DO ABOUT IT, AND HE THEN, IN THE COURSE
OF THAT DISCUSSION SAID THAT RUDY GIULIANI WAS A HAND GRENADE
THAT WAS GOING TO BLOW EVERYONE UP. ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT HAND GRENADE. RUDY SEEMS MORE LIKE A MOLOTOV
COCKTAIL-- USED BY RUSSIANS AND FULL OF ALCOHOL. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) THESE ARE QUALITY PEOPLE. >> Jon: YES, GREAT. >> Stephen: HILL EXPLAINED
THAT SHE ATTENDED A MEETING WITH AMBASSADOR BOLTON, RICK
PERRY, AND AMBASSADOR SONDLAND ON JULY 10, WHERE SONDLAND
BROUGHT UP THE CONDITIONS FOR ZELENSKY TO GET A MEETING WITH
TRUMP. AFTER THE MEETING, BOLTON WAS SO
FREAKED OUT THAT HE TOLD HILL TO GO IMMEDIATELY TO N.S.C. LAWYER
JOHN EISENBERG. >> "YOU TELL EISENBERG,"
AMBASSADOR BOLTON TOLD ME, "THAT I AM NOT PART OF THIS WHATEVER
DRUG DEAL THAT MULVANEY AND SONDLAND ARE COOKING UP." >> STEPHEN: YES, SONDLAND AND
MULVANEY WERE COOKING UP A DRUG DEAL. IT'S ALL IN THE NEW DRAMA,
"BREAKING BALD." ( LAUGHTER )
A PRESTIGE DRAMA. ( APPLAUSE )
THEN DR. HILL TOLD THE COMMITTEE EXACTLY HOW SHE FELT ABOUT
GORDON SONDLAND PROMOTING THE PRESIDENT'S POLITICAL AGENDA IN
UKRAINE. >> IT STRUCK ME WHEN, YESTERDAY,
WHEN YOU PUT UP ON THE SCREEN AMBASSADOR SONDLAND'S EMAILS AND
WHO WAS ON EMAILS, AND HE SAID THESE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT NEED
TO KNOW, THAT HE WAS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. BECAUSE HE WAS BEING INVOLVED IN
A DOMESTIC POLITICAL ERRAND, AND WE WERE BEING INVOLVED IN
NATIONAL SECURITY FOREIGN POLICY. I SAID TO HIM, "AMBASSADOR
SONDLAND, GORDON, I FEAR THIS IS ALL GOING TO BLOW UP." AND HERE WE ARE. >> STEPHEN: (AS HILL)
"AND NOW THAT IT HAS. I'VE PREPARED A BRIEF STATEMENT. 'IN YOUR FACE, IN YOUR FACE, I
WAS RIGHT, SO SUCK IT, YOU --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) -- SO SUCK IT, YOU WITLESS
WANKER'." ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: SORRY, HAD A LITTLE FROG IN MY THROAT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I LIKE HER A LOT. YESTERDAY, DURING THE
IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS, TRUMP TRAVELED TO AUSTIN, TEXAS, WHERE
HE TOURED AN APPLE MANUFACTURING PLANT. OH, THAT MUST HAVE BEEN
CONFUSING FOR HIM. (AS TRUMP)
"AH, GUYS, THERE'S A NAME FOR AN APPLE PLANT. IT'S CALLED A TREE." ( LAUGHTER )
WHILE TOURING THE FACTORY, A REPORTER ASKED TRUMP HOW HE FELT
ABOUT GORDON SONDLAND'S TESTIMONY:
>> WHAT DID YOU MAKE OF AMBASSADOR SONDLAND'S TESTIMONY
THIS MORNING? >> WELL, I THINK IT WAS
FANTASTIC. I THINK THEY HAVE TO END IT NOW. HE SAID THERE WAS NO QUID PRO
QUO. >> Stephen: NO. NO, HE DIDN'T. SONDLAND SAID THIS --
>> WAS THERE A "QUID PRO QUO?" THE ANSWER IS YES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: HE SAID YES. IT WAS CLEARLY YES. YES. >> STEPHEN: WELL, YOU CAN
UNDERSTAND TRUMP'S CONFUSION. THERE ARE AT LEAST 19 WOMEN WHO
SAY HE CAN'T HEAR THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YES AND NO. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )
AFTER HIS VISIT, TRUMP PROUDLY TWEETED, "TODAY I OPENED A MAJOR
APPLE MANUFACTURING PLANT IN TEXAS." WOW, THAT WOULD BE QUITE AN
ACCOMPLISHMENT, IF THAT PLANT HADN'T BEEN OPERATING SINCE
2013. >> Jon: OH, MAN. >> Stephen: NO SURPRISE,
THOUGH. NO SURPRISE. >> Jon: THAT'S 44. THAT'S 44. >> Stephen: IT'S RIGHT UP
THERE -- IT'S RIGHT THERE IN TRUMP'S
REELECTION SLOGAN, "PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT-- BY OBAMA,
SIX YEARS AGO." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. SENATOR KAMALA HARRIS IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, NEW
ZEALAND WEEK CONTINUES. WHEN PETER JACKSON AND I PREMIER
MY NEW "LORD OF THE RINGS" TRILOGY. DON'T MISS THIS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
As found on Youtube
Posted from my blog with SteemPress : https://fredsuggest.com/stephens-catchy-jingle-makes-the-trump-impeachment-inquiry-easy-to-understand/
