Hey everyone. This is my first post (hopefully of many) on this site. I must say that I am EXCITED. I love writing and feel I do it not as often as I would like so here's that word 'hopefully' I can write more and more, and not just write more and more but be able to be authentic, genuine, and connecting with it.
My mind today has been off and on peace and then sudden panic that isn't residing with me properly. My anxieties are coming from the changing aspects of my relationship, which are ultimately changing aspects of myself. Insecurities, fear, doubt. Those are all emotions many of us know much too well, but those are often emotions that really don't sit with us well and in many cases can make us physically ill. Why is it that we have so many insecurities, fears, and doubts?
For me, I base most of my insecurities on my upbringing, the world around me, and how we are taught and programmed to take in outside world as well as ourselves. Many people are not encouraged to be the full versions of themselves at a young age and many of us suffer from it. We begin to compare ourselves to others at a very young age and try to fit the 'normal' and often times that 'normal' never really fits us. My music teach taught me I need to be more specific in song writing and right now I can feel myself veering off a little from my original subject and diving into topics that truly need their own post.
Back to my original thought. My relationship is evolving and so am I. I have been with my current boyfriend for 2.5 years. It's crazy how time flies. My connection with this human is even more interesting. I believe him to be one of my soulmates but our happiest times together have been a small amount compared to our 2.5 years of being together. Life has brought us trial and tribulation one after another after another. You could say that we have been consistently leveling up in our lives since meeting with one another. Our trials also contain being diagnosed with herpes, being in a successful long distance relationship for one year, traveling the country together for several months, and being patient with one another through every up and every down. I can say that we have never screamed at one another and we have never verbally abused one another. Our relationship is special. We have a magnitude that brings us together even when we are trying to create space. This human teaches me over and over again lessons of life and the beauty this world contains, and I know I do the same for him.
The last year of my life has been a crazy personal revolution. Everything I thought I knew about myself got stirred up and has evolved to what feels like something I already knew, but I am able to understand it and see it much clearer. I am happy and excited about where I am headed. I am happy and excited about my soul's path in my life, and I know I have the tools to achieve my dreams- despite the many naysayers I hear and the negative opinions of those who are unknowingly seeking unhappiness. Throughout this year I have faced my shadows again and again, and I still face them. I faced them today and I gained clearance. I have felt more clairvoyant and happy in these last few weeks than I have in a long time, but still I hear the voices of my insecurities, my doubts, my fears.
Around 2 months ago I had a conversation with some of my girlfriends about how I had been playing with the idea of an open relationship but how it seemed inappropriate to bring it up to my boyfriend because of the hardships he was facing in life. With the connection we share, I should have known there and then he was having similar thoughts, and maybe I did. Lo and behold time went on and my boyfriend was speaking to me about his desire to be with other women.
The initial conversation stung, and a part of it still stings. How is he desiring to be with other women? Is something wrong with me? Am I not sexy enough? And the list goes on. The truth is, none of those thoughts have anything to do with the suchness of the situation. He does not desire to be with other women because something is wrong with me or because I am not sexy enough. He desires to be with other women because of the type of people we are and the beauty of the world. Who was I to even be having these thoughts when I was talking with my girlfriends only weeks early about my desires to be in an open relationship? These thoughts were coming from my ego and not from a place of love or empathy.
My ideas around relationships, particularly my relationship has been evolving for quite some time. Or perhaps I've always felt this way and had been unable to get a solid grasp on it. I feel that in all of my relationships leading up to this one, as I imagine life together long term, it has always made sense to me for there to be a level of openness. I don't think that having a level of openness means you don't love your partner or they don't satisfy you. I think that a level of openness opens you up to the endless beauty of possibilities created by the universe.
Since having this conversation with my boyfriend. I have slight anxiety when I'm not 100% what he's up to or who he is with. My mind wonders how far he is going to bring this openness and my mind almost automatically turns him into this animal who no longer cares about me or keeps me in mind. When I am out, and a cute boy is flirting with me, I do not completely forget about him so why would I ever assume he does the same. I have been so programmed to believe people will and are going to hurt me ( I think most of this comes from my childhood). And even today I had thoughts, "When ____told ____ she was pretty was that because he was thinking about her sexually?!" "Oh wait.. I was just thinking about someone sexually today and that doesn't change the way I feel about _____ and you know what she is pretty and she deserves to know that!" Then I had a moment of clear thinking and peace.
All of the insecure thoughts are directing me. I'm worrying about the pretty women my boyfriend may be interacting with when in reality I need to embrace them and appreciate their beauty. I'm worried about things becoming messy when I need to embrace my power and communicate and love myself and love others. All of these thoughts are just the shadow side of the path I need to be walking down and the issues I need to be addressing. I'm speaking to myself, I'm loving myself, I am guiding myself I am just letting myself know the negative side of what I want to accomplish and once I recognize that I can set that aside and use that path to follow my heart.
These changes feel good to me. When my boyfriend told me he drunkenly made out with a girl on vacation, it stung a little and it helped me when he told me he immediately realized he didn't want to be doing it, but ultimately I was happy he had that experience. I was happy I was able to embrace and laugh about that experience with him. I was happy he felt comfortable telling me about it.
Life changes. Sometimes it changes abruptly, but ultimately your soul is always trying to guide you to the highest version of yourself and you need to follow that version. I need to follow that version. Don't be afraid to go against the norm. Do what makes YOU happy. Communicate your heart, get in touch with yourself and accept there will be good days, and there will be bad days but they are all a part of this journey. They will all make sense as time progress and your change your perspective to match with the vibration that feels right to you.
This post wasn't entirely focused and I will be going down smaller details more in my future posts but I hope if anyone reads this you at least gained something from it.
Thank you, NAMASTE