Some shit I’ve learned the hard way not to ask:
If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?
Your assumption would be that your significant other would have the common sense to walk the fuck away from this. I know I can picture mine tucking his hands in his pockets, shaking his head (without speaking), doing an about-face, and never speaking of it again. Just because I can picture it though, doesn’t make it so – that’s another story for another time.
I can picture myself in size 4 jeans with 8% bodyfat, no cellulite and a solid C cup – doesn’t mean Captain Frumpy Sweats isn’t the reality I’m working with. Best to just accept things and make the best of a shitty situation.
Being a self-aware woman, I stray from wearing clothing that places adjectives (of any kind) on my ass. No “juicy” clothing line or anything “apple bottom” for this hoe.
Would you mind terribly if?
Imma just stop you there. The aforementioned query format ought not be utilized unless the object is to be let down, but you knew this. Think about that shit. If you must ask, “would you mind terribly,” you know for fuck-all that that’s some shit you wouldn’t want to do – why the hell would they?
What, now you’re going to get all butthurt when they take too long to answer? Or perhaps you’d like to spend the next 40 mins (after you’ve told them you’re cool) haphazardly throwing guilt around your house like glitter at a drag show.
I’m getting a disco ball to accentuate my glitter. The handymen (I ordered 3 for shits and giggles) will be here next week. I needed time in the interim to guilt my boyfriend properly for not handling the ball hanging promptly when I asked, “would you mind terribly if?”
Would you still love me if I put on a little weight?
He gulped. I could see the wheels spinning and the smoke beginning to formulate just outside the auricle as he tried to guess how much weight was a little. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auricle_(anatomy)
I had all the information I needed. Keep it right, keep it tight. Fucker.
Do you love me more than you loved your ex?
Whoa! Hold up! I know you guys are thinking that’s fucked up. That’s a loaded question. That’s completely uncalled for and uncomfortable. How do you expect someone to respond to something like that? Um…have you read any of my other questions? Of course, it’s uncomfortable and it’s preposterous. These are my questions. Go make up your own uncomfortable and inexcusable shit to ask someone. I’m proud of this one. I feel like this one truly captures the essence of my desperately low self-esteem and clawing neediness.
I’m also a total mindfuck and followed it up with, “I won’t get butthurt or anything, but remember she’s completely fuck nuts crazy,” thereby leaving him with only one viable answer: to put his hands in his pockets, shake his head, do an about-face, and walk the fuck away.
I have more I could add to this list, but my asshole co-workers are starting to look at me as though I should be doing something like working. What a bunch of pricks! It’s not as if they’re paying me. Fuck you, Tuesday. Don’t worry, Tim, I haven’t forgotten about you. I hate you the most!