Introduction:
Humankind has never been able to fully comprehend the depths of the universe. Many have tried searching for answers, and yet many have miserably failed as well. Animals, for example, have been puzzling us since we first learned to domesticate them. From the time of the cavemen, sheep, horses and cattle have been successfully lorded over by man. And yet among animals, there is but one which stands out, one that man has never been fully able to domesticate, let alone touch and pick up. Simply a few men have been successfully able to do so; this creature is known as none other than the offspring of the Gallus gallus domesticus, also known to the entire civilized world as chicks. Chicks are actually among the most cunning creatures of the animal kingdom.
Think of them as cute tiny wolves in sheep's clothing – furry little beasts that might be cute on the outside, but can unleash a Pandora's Box out into the world when misjudged.
Picking up chicks can be a daunting task to many, but it need not be scary. Indeed, chicks can be mischievous – some run away when you begin to grab them, some hide beyond your sight, probably even moving a thousand miles away from you, and some just never want to cooperate.
Chicks have been known to inflict pain to the men unlearned of their inner workings. Chicks are feisty little creatures in need of understanding and respect when being around them. Approaching them is one thing; touching them and picking them up is another. Chicks have a special kind of power which hypnotizes humans and allows them to look so vulnerable that we often keep our guards down in their presence. We become too enamoured by their beauty and sheer cuteness that we tend to forget what dangerous creatures they are. And just when we think that we have already control over them, they strike us when we least expect it.
Many ask, for such small creatures, why are they so elusive? Why do they give us humans such a hard time catching them? We never want to bring them any harm anyway; all we want to do is pet them, give them hugs and give them the best love we can offer. But do they see our intentions? Probably not. Their tiny brains might not even comprehend our love for them.
Still, this should not hinder us from approaching them, touching them and eventually picking them up, showing them a good time and offering them all the love in the world. After all, they’re just tiny creatures anyway; tiny creatures that we absolutely adore.
This brings us back to the question: HOW TO PICK UP CHICKS? Mankind has long been bothered by this question through the eons. Wizards and wise men have been forever trying to find the answer to this secret of life; the key to continuance of the human race. Consider this as the ultimate guide to the most pressing question known to mankind, where across centuries battles have been forged, empires have fallen, territories have been conquered and many have lost their lives in quest to finding this answer.
Let this book serve as a compass to navigating the dark and uncharted territory of chicks – how to catch their attention, how to approach one without angering it, how to properly touch a chick, and ultimately, how to pick up a chick.
Still, you should use this reference at your own risk. Like all evolutionary creatures, chicks are known to adapt to certain stimuli that make them resistant to the tips, tricks, and techniques found in this book.
If all else fails, RUN! Because your life is worth more than a chick.
If you see a chick foaming at the mouth, RUN! Because your life is worth more than a chick.
Always remember that this book is for reference use only. If the contents of this book do not work for a particular situation, keep calm, slowly back away from the chick and save yourself and live to see another day. There will always be numerous chicks that may come your way – chicks that are kinder, less impervious to human action, less cunning, and much easier to pick up than others. You may not always find that chick, but there will always be that one who'll never get away and you'd be able to successfully pick up.
Another reminder is that you should never use this book as a guide while simultaneously being in the presence of a chick. Chicks can read your mind. They are animals of the highest nature, possibly even above human intelligence, which are simply gelded from taking over the world because of their furry little bodies, tiny legs, and short floppy arms. They are such intelligent creatures that while you may take your eyes off them for a split second to reach for this book and read on what to do next, the next thing you might notice is either you're floating in mid-air through the telepathic abilities of chicks or you're down on the ground, immobilized with a sore body and unable to call out for help. That is the sheer power of chicks over humans. Some even say that chicks have learned these ways because they were directly taught by Space Visitors back in a time when dinosaurs were only interested in eating plants and shrubs and were busy banging their heads against each other and fighting over who has the longer set of arms.
Success in taming chicks is the sole goal of this book. Being able to successfully know one's way around chicks and having the confidence when approaching one, touching one, and picking one up can be considered as the ultimate reward for any reader of this book. This ultimate reward will pave the way to creating a new generation of chick tamers, highly skilled in knowing the ways of The Chick. Let it be known also that as a successful chick tamer and picker, your name shall be included in the ever-growing annals of modern chick picking up history, serving as inspiration to other human beings that go after you – your descendants; a legacy for the greater good and furtherance of humankind.
Step 1: Know the Chick
Before one dives in into picking up chicks, one must learn the characteristics of the target. Similar to warfare or competition, the better you know your opponent, the more advantageous you would be in getting within close range, subduing them, and overall picking them up. Knowledge is your best friend. Knowledge will keep you alive and out of harm’s way. Being able to know how a chick’s mind works will give you the edge in winning it over.
Firstly, chicks are very sensitive creatures: sensitive to everything – light, heat, inconvenience, lack of money in the bank, and possibly everything in this world that might affect their well-being. This being said, one should always remember that no two chicks that you meet are the same; rarely can two chicks be sensitive to one thing at any given time. One should be always wary of the reasons for sensitivity of a chick above all else. This will ensure a high hit rate in picking up chicks.
The great thing about this sensitivity of chicks is that there is always a way out – an antidote to every problem. Consider it as a kind of bribe for them to tame their volatile sensitivity issues. Possible antidotes can be as follows:
Heat – Put chicks in an air-conditioned room.
Light – Bring chicks into a well-lit but not bright room or bring chicks indoors.
Lack of money in the bank – Treat a chick to a shopping spree.
Hunger – Feed the chick (Depending on the chick, meals to be provided are different. Some chicks prefer a McDonald’s fix; some need be treated to a fine dining restaurant to be appeased.)
Inconvenience – Make every effort to keep the chick happy; THIS IS A MEASURE THAT MUST ALWAYS BE IMPLEMENTED!
Because chicks are very sensitive creatures with volatile dispositions, one has to avoid at all costs getting the chick angered. This might result IN physical pain, public disgrace (shattered ego), and even worse, rejection. Being rejected by a chick destroys all chances of picking it up. Rejection can take a toll on your chances of even picking up any chick in the future, as many chicks have other friends that might spoil your image to them.
Trust a very important issue that needs to be highlighted. Having a chick trust you is the most prized quality that you can gain which can be considered as an easy key to picking a chick up. If a chick trusts you, you can be assured that you have gained more than a 70% chance of picking up a chick – a large percentage knowing that chicks can most of the time play hard to get. They miss your calls, they hide from you, they change their mobile numbers, and sometimes even move out of their places of residence just to avoid you, simply because you were that jerk who scared the chick away or even was too grabby that the chick felt unsafe in your presence. Be calm when around chicks, because as has already been said, chicks can read minds. If they see that your only goal is to grab them, know for a fact that you’ve already lost your opportunity to grab a chick for yourself.
Secondly is that you should know their language. Chicks have been known throughout the Animal Kingdom to speak their native tongue – Oxymoron. It’s basically English (or whatever vernacular is spoken in the place where the chick currently resides) but is very difficult to decipher, for the sole fact that what they say is not what they truly mean. Currently, no dictionary has ever been created yet (nor probably will it ever be created) to help define and showcase some illustrations of the chick’s native tongue. For example, when a chick tells you to leave, that can mean two things: first, you must really leave; second, do not leave at all costs. This makes it difficult for humans to understand them. If a wrong move is made, that may make a chick angered and you can lose your chances of grabbing them. One must be very aware of the context clues given in any situation to be able to properly decipher the meaning of any words spoken by a chick at any given time. Being able to successfully master this skill will lead to a better understanding on how the chick’s brain works and how they express themselves at any given time, in any given context.
Thirdly, be ready to have your mind read. This is simply an unavoidable occurrence when dealing with chicks. Chicks, as mentioned, are very cunning creatures, able to read a human’s mind without touching them. They know if a human is lying, agitated, angry, hiding something, or even scared. They have a so-called ESP, or Extra Sensory Perception, which enables them to be aware of the thoughts going through your head instantaneously, even without you saying a word. This telepathic nature of chicks enables them to attack a human’s weakest nature – pity. They have the ability to turn situations around in their favor by creating an atmosphere of pity towards them. This pity enables them to get what they want and ensures that if humans do not meet their expectations, the ability to pick them up will now be next to impossible. A top tip would be to free your mind of any inhibitions that might hinder you from doing what they want. Give in to them. This way, a bond of trust may be formed between the two of you, and that way, you won’t have your face slapped while you are walking down the street because you were that creep who won’t give in to a chick’s demands or you do give in but at the back of your mind, you still think it’s a bad idea. Be open-minded; this will take all inhibitions away.
Lastly, OBSERVE, OBSERVE and OBSERVE! Like in all scientific research, observation is an essential key to getting good results from your experiments. In the same way, observation is a vital player in allowing you to pick up a chick effectively. Watch from a distance the chick you are eyeing to pick up. Check out its daily activities, its lifestyle, its likes, its dislikes, the other common chicks it hangs out with, etc. Gather all information you can so that you are well-equipped to handle any situation a chick may throw at you in the future.
Knowing the chick through and through is a long process that need not be rushed. This step of the process can require months, even years for you to be able to successfully understand the mindset, inner workings, and dispositions of chicks in their natural environment. This will enable anyone to readily adapt to the possible changes in attitude and lifestyles of the chick during certain periods.
Step 2: Approach the Chick
This step shall cover the basic ideas on how to approach a chick. We will not go into grabbing a chick immediately; that will be covered in the next step. Grabbing a chick at this point will result in getting your body beat to the ground by bystanders or you even charged with harassment. Chicks don’t dig creeps and weirdos who don’t know how to treat a chick properly with care and respect.
Firstly, having the knowledge of how chicks’ minds work, one should treat chicks with respect. Respect means not running into a coop full of chicks like a runaway lunatic searching for his next prey. Understanding this cardinal rule garners you a high chance in grabbing the chick that you adore. Respecting chicks will first prevent you from getting hurt because of their special powers, and it will allow you to gain their trust and thus make you successful in your goal of grabbing chicks.
Secondly, catcalling is a big no-no primarily because, firstly, they’re chicks, and secondly, you don’t pick up chicks by doing that. In fact, what we consider as catcalls are like saying some crappy obscene words to them, and chicks don’t dig that. What humans don’t dig is getting shot up in the air with the anti-gravity ray chicks let out from their eyes because you catcalled a chick.
Thirdly, approach the chick gently, kindly, and with much carefulness and concern. Chicks dig humans who love them and who are not too brash or are not too “fresh” when approaching a chick. Be nice, cool, composed, and straightforward in such a way that you want to pick them up. Be clear about your intentions. The last thing you want a chick is to believe in the notion that you want to grab them but leave them hanging on. Also, focus on a single chick per approach. You don’t want to be known in the World of Chickens as the human who wanted all chicks for himself at a single time. That leads to destruction of image and losing the ability to pick up any chicks in the future. Approaching a different chick at a different time is acceptable, as long as the chick you approached before does not witness the current situation. Otherwise, this will lead to a lot of problems.
Avoid it at all costs!
You do not want to experience seeing two or more chicks fight over a human.
It is very messy – a lot of feathers, lipstick and broken claws everywhere. Not a very good sight to behold.
The term chick magnet has been coined because of a human not being able to be resisted by chicks crowding him. This is because of the trust that chicks have for the human and because the human has high regard and respect for the chicks. Aim to be a chick magnet!
Step 3: Grab the Chick
Grabbing the chick with much dexterity has always been a fine skill that has been passed on to many generations by the best chick grabbers in history. This art is comparable to the ways of the Samurai or Ninja – ways which require silence, a focused mind, a quick hand, and a firm but gentle grasp.
The important note to remember is to never grab the chick by the neck – you’ll kill it by doing that (You might even be charged for murder by your local animal welfare activists because of your actions.). Gentleness is the key to an effective grabbing of chicks.
When approaching the chick for the purpose of grabbing it, never scare it away. Be gentle, quiet, nice, kind and composed. Come near it carefully and accustom it to you being in its surroundings. Acquaint yourself to it that you are not a threat – and will never be. Imagine yourself being back in kindergarten, particularly when approaching a new kid you’d like to befriend. You’re shy but you still want to talk to the kid. Treat the kid like this chick. As chicks are mind readers, allow yourself to be reassuring that you mean no harm and that you come in peace. Bring along some peace offerings like chocolates, discount coupons, or even gift certificates to make the chick less threatened by your presence. Say reassuring words too! They will help a lot in guaranteeing a peaceful and cooperative chick.
Step 4: Pick Up the Chick
Now comes the crucial and most long-awaited moment. You are sweating bullets, nervous about what might happen next. You just emptied your life savings by buying the chick of your dreams a Maserati convertible in an effort to woo her. You just lost your job because you’ve been always absent without official leave since you’ve been observing the chick, learning its every move and whim.
“It’s going to be worth it,” you assure yourself.
“Are you sure?” you ask yourself once more.
You’re damn right it’s worth it!
You’ve come this far, and by now after blowing all you have just to get this one chick, we hope that you do not screw up and let your efforts go to waste. After all, if this fails, you’d be dying alone and penniless anyway, so it’s really worth a shot.
To pick up a chick, gently hold it between your fingers – much like holding tofu. Too loose and you’ll drop it, too firm and you’d crush it. A proper technique is essential to grabbing the chick for purposes of picking it up. Being able to pick up the chick without the chick struggling, running away, and hiding or boarding a plane to Hawaii to get away from you shows that the chick trusts you and that you are not some sick pervert who grabs chicks for the hell of it. Chicks never like to play games. Make them uncomfortable and you will regret the day that you were born. They’ll do unexplainable things to you – things that will haunt you even in your deepest slumber.
Once you’ve grabbed the chick, congratulate yourself! Your name has just been inscribed in the annals of successful chick pickers. Be forever proud of this moment that you have just accomplished a feat that many have failed to reach. You are a maverick – a human in this generation who has no equal. A true hero in picking up chicks, a proud member of society who has the balls to continue the existence of mankind!
Now what?
This brings us to the fifth and also most crucial step after your success in picking up chicks.
Step 5: Taking Care of your Chick
You have gotten this far and made a name for yourself. Now comes the difficult bit – taking care of your chick. You wouldn’t want your chick to be wandering off after you’ve put your all into picking it up, now, would you? Chick maintenance is equally important as being able to pick up a chick for yourself. It is also fundamental that one understand the science behind chick maintenance to ensure the longevity of one’s personal relationship with a picked up chick. Taking care of your chick comes with the same discipline of all the steps; the only difference is that you’d have to maintain it and repeatedly perform it over and over again on a daily basis.
Being a trained chick owner is similar to being a jack of all trades and a master of none. Having a speciality in cooking for, caring, and clothing your chick is essential to have a healthy relationship with it – another daunting task, it may seem, for humans who have just experienced picking up chicks. Nevertheless, this task needs to be done and done to the highest standards. Remember that chicks are high maintenance creatures, needing to be nurtured, attended to, and kept non-volatile for peace to reign over all the Earth. Failure to do so will, in effect, end all life on Planet Earth as we know it. You would not want that, now, would you?
Congratulations! You have just enrolled yourself into the School of Forever Slavery to The Chick! Colloquially, it is called “Marriage”. This bondage or responsibility has been borne out of two things – one, your fervent love and affection for chicks and two, the misery you’ve caused upon yourself by giving up all you have for a chick. This responsibility does not only cover the chick that you sought out for a long time.
Welcome to the REAL WORLD.
This is now the beginning of the end of your personal pleasures. Giving up everything you had was just the beginning. Now, everything you plan to set aside for yourself will never come to fruition. All your goals like traveling the world, buying that vintage Ferrari convertible, acquiring that million-dollar lakefront property, getting another supermodel chick, opening that Swiss bank account, or taking over the world will become unreachable at this point, simply because you settled for picking up a lowly chick.
Still, not all is lost.
You will still have another vital role to play in the history of the world – a role that is regarded by many as a vile and unwanted position. Very few humans have stood their ground to take this responsibility wholeheartedly, and yet with those chosen few, simply a handful have been victorious to have overcome this challenge.
That vital after-chick pick up task essential to maintenance is having the responsibility of handling, nurturing, and attending to your new chick’s ancestor – the Mother Hen. Mother Hen not only has the same volatile disposition as other chicks, but she’s hardened even more. This means she is more difficult to please, more unstable, and a lot more difficult to manage.
Mother Hen has been a staunch defender of the Ways of the Chick since time immemorial. She has been protecting her chicks from the wayward ways of heartless humans who only like to pick up chicks but drop them immediately upon knowledge of the forthcoming responsibilities ahead. She has stood guard and turned a watchful eye over her chicks, so much so that any threat to her chicks will prompt her to use superpowers granted to her by aliens. For instance, she has the frightening ability to talk to someone and reprimand them to death. Once she begins her mile-long lectures, you are sure to have no escape. Talk back to her and you’re dead. Her uncanny power has been used throughout the centuries by the greatest empires – Greece, Rome, Persia, China, Britai,n and every single empire to have ruled over the Earth to torture unwilling humans to repent, forsake their physical pleasures, and take up the responsibility of caring for picked up chicks. Failure to do so will result in death by pecking – a surely painful way to die. No one wants to endure that. It is both painful and embarrassing at the same time.
How can you avoid this, you may ask? The answer is simple – give in to every demand of Mother Hen. Forget your personal desires and forego all your pleasures in life. Keep her and her chick happy. This will ensure your life to be long and fruitful over the earth.
Picking up chicks is simple; holding yourself liable for the consequences of picking one up is the difficult bit.
Picking up chicks has never been a more fun and rewarding activity, hasn’t it?
Want to pick up chicks? Man up and have the balls to do it!