When I was little I always wondered why didn't my mother want me? How was it so hard to give up something you gave life to? How can you just forget that emotional rollercoaster when you felt me for the first time! How could you tell me (That sweet little blonde haired little girl) goodbye and then pop in and out of my life like it was no big deal. Or yet even worse try to lead me down the path of self destruction at such a young age? I look back on all those memories and try to find at least one good memory and ........... "Yep" Nothing. Just a bunch of hate, abandonment, and yet the worst I feel truly sorry for you!
At the age of 3 my mother decided that she was not able to take parental responsibility for me. Which I totally understand she was super young and had nothing to give emotionally or financially. However what I do not understand is how the court system can give visitation rights to her mother, so I could end up seeing my mother every weekend, She signed her rights over? I feel that if they denied her request I would have had a little different upbringing. But who will ever know! All I do know is my grandmother and grandfather on my dad's side ended up taking me in, to which I am very thankful for. but let me just say it was still a little old fashion style parenting..... My grandfather very strict, and very verbal if you understand where I am getting at. My grandmother reminds me of those women back in the 1940's where women had barely any rights at all.
She didn't drive, worked seasonally, and did basically everything, and I mean everything, she did the housework, the yard work, and was in my own words the strongest toughest women I believe I will ever meet. (My pap) as We called him was a bit of a drunk, and was a pretty big man when he past away he was 6"2" and about 500 LB. When he drank he was very abusive to her at least until she finally stood up for herself. Which was little of a change. He finally got sober or at least in his terms which meant he slacked off here and there. He had his own special way of expressing his parental role with us grandchildren. My father also was in and out of the picture, which I still have anger. confusion and hours of painstaking arguments over him not being the father I needed him to be. I would have rather been adopted to stranger's then see my real parents everyday of my life. It was such a tease to me. I wanted nothing more than to love them and for them to do they same. But for years I gave them everything and got nothing in return, but fowl words and heartache.
Other than my biological parents I thought my upbringing was normal but as I grew older, I realised they loved me but It was not the family environment a child should have. I will get to more details with each blog (which are underlined). but for now I am just summing up a little bit to help you get a little picture of my life. But my mother was a drug addict in denial. My father a selfish man who only cared about himself. My life felt empty and missing something and I never knew what that meant until July 1997 when my mother came out of nowhere and wanted me to come to Ohio for the summer, I was so excited. That summer started a whole new pile of worries on my shoulder, but on that day ended up being the most memorable day of my life and a promise I fear I broke!
Now I have 3 children all girls And all are beautiful and talented. I had my first at 18 to a relationship which turned up to be the story to every father's warning that us girls ignore. That was a bunch of heartache a mother never wants to go through. and then out of nowhere I finally found my prince charming, and got married and had my 2 other miracles from heaven. and after all the love my husband and children has for me I still find myself going back to the memories of the destruction my mother did! Then there are days where I find myself trying to focus on how to better myself and my children. Get into the path of my religion and truly find GOD's word and hopefully be forgiven for all the hate and try to forgive the people who has hurt me. That is all for now until tomorrow!
