On Treya's birthday she got an email from my eldest brother.
This is a first – he's never really contacted her on her birthday. She was weirded out. She felt uncomfortable. She didn't know what to respond.
A day later I shouted at Lao for jumping on Treya's back and putting her hip out. He was being Tigger-like.
The anger felt huge.
Always when I'm THAT angry it has something to do with the past.
I paused and looked. As a kid my brother would hit me, push me, ram me into a wall – whatever was going on for him he'd take out on us. If I called my Dad to share it with him he'd say: “There's nothing I can do!”
If I told my Mom, she said I should be more compassionate. There was no one standing up for me. No one safe guarding.
So when Lao jumped on Treya and hurt her – all the rage I felt arose within me. The difference is Lao wasn't doing it to hurt Treya, while my brother deliberately DID do it to hurt. When I shared he was hurting me, he'd punch, whack his hockey stick harder against my legs, or hurt more. I had no use of my arms as he'd twist them up my back. I had nothing to defend myself. If I tried to bite to get out of a headlock he'd ram something against my teeth. I hated it. He tried to rub my nose in dog poo. It was awful. If I tried to tell anyone outside the family he'd threaten to hurt or even kill me.
I realised my anger wasn't at Lao, it was to my brother. He told my mother he would never apologise to me and if I ever brought it up publicly he'd never speak to me again. He has kept his word. I did. His wife wrote on the post that she didn't believe he'd do that. Rather than him tell her that he had – and it was awful, and he was going through a horrendous time, he was happier that she brand me a liar.
When it was my Grans 90th birthday I wanted to take my kids. My mother said I couldn't come because otherwise he wouldn't come. “It wouldn't be fair on him, it might be the last time he sees her!” When I asked “What about me, and my kids?” she said I was being selfish and unfair.
In that moment I really got my childhood. I got the rage I felt as a kid. I got why I'd wanted to die. I saw how my feelings weren't met, my needs were dismissed, what I wanted was labeled selfish, and I didn't matter. I no longer wanted to wanted to be in a family that has such little regard for me.
As I write this I feel the anger easing out of me. I've been irritable with Lao. I finally said: “I realise who I'm angry with and I'm going to write about it and I'm going to write to him.”
Now I feel better.
I realise my brother was in a bad space. That our mother wasn't able to teach us to express healthily because she came from a family that didn't deal with issues either. He was doing a lot of expressing for her – where she wanted to look and be “nice” yet was seething. Maybe in an unconscious way she gets that, so protects him rather than requests he clears his behaviour up.
I realised this week what would have been good is for her to have said to him: “I'm not picking between children. You refusing to come if she does means not only her not being able to come – but also her kids, and they won't be able to see their dad either (who was in South Africa for a year). You're a courageous guy – call her up now, apologise, sort this out, I'm not being a go-between, and I'm not being your spokesperson. You did bully her, I didn't protect her. I know I was wrong, and so were you. You need to clear it up. That's your responsibility. She is also my daughter, and has just as much right to be here as you. Don't make me choose. That's not okay. You're an amazing gentleman, with fabulous communication skills – you deeply hurt her, and I know you have the strength and awesomeness to clear it up so that we all have a glorious 90th celebration.”
Instead of requesting he do the right thing, she dismissed me. She told me that my anger was unhealthy, and I should be more loving. I was stunned that she'd picked him over me and my two kids. They hadn't seen their dad for months – and he prevented them from seeing him and getting to say goodbye to their great grandmother. My response was that if she dimissed my pain and anger, and picked sides she was no longer being a mother to me but only to him. She told me I was being petty. But I knew that if she made that choice, I was no longer her daughter. She did. We no longer have any contact. I'd never do that to my kids. She had been doing it to them for years. Frequently I'd have to call her up on how she loved one more than the other and showed it to the point the kids could see it and feel it. I didn't want that resentment and pain being passed down.
It feels so much more peaceful in my life not to have that anymore. Big sigh.
Facing where we've gone wrong is a challenge. It takes admitting it, caring, understanding the impact, knowing we were wrong, apologising and making amends for each event. So it's cleared from our soul and from theirs.
Sue Johnson writes an effective apology is:
I care about you. I love you.
This is what I did (take one thing at a time rather than generalise the behaviour).
This is how it made you feel and the impact it had on you.
I was wrong, I'm disappointed in myself. I'm sorry.
What can I do to make amends? I'll be here as you heal. How can I put things right?
What's needing healing for you? Is it something you did, or something done to you?
Years ago I realised I was so needing love and apology, and couldn't get it from my family. I called up my brother and shared, “I don't feel loved by you and I'd like to. I'd like to be closer and feel connected.” He responded: “Well I'll never tell, and if that upsets you that's your problem.” So I told myself I loved myself, and I began writing apology letters to all I'd ever hurt. Most of them couldn't remember the incident but it had stayed in my soul. Clearing it felt healing.
If you did something – can you go through this apology and take ownership and clear it up? It takes an inner support and care. It takes courage to admit fault. It takes enormous love to repair damage and clear up our behaviour. Even if we were in an unstable period where we were deregulated and out of it, as we calm we can learn the skills to apologise deeply. When we do this we clear things in our soul, like ourselves more, and really feel proud of ourselves for having the goodness to repair pain.
If someone hurt you and they don't have the inner capacity to heal – can you go this through yourself so you no longer carry it? You can get two chairs – and make the statement then go to another chair to receive it. Or if you have a friend/partner you can role play it (playing both parts) – so you hear the words. Or you can use two soft toys (or any object to represent) to represent each of you and very slowly go through this conversation and absorb the apology into your soul.
I'm curious to hear your experience of apologies. Have you gone back and apologised? Have others apologised to you? What worked and what didn't?