Excerpt: our relationships affect other people as well. And in the case of single parents, the attention must be given to the influence on the children. At first, the tendency would be to protect them but we should remember that underneath the small body and immature mind exist a deep soul and a master. Therefore, it is our responsibility to get beyond the boundaries of our fearful egos and present to them the truest and most genuine picture of the real reality. This educating situation is a wonderful opportunity for our growth as well.
Credit: pixabay
Hello,
My name is Natalie, I am 33 years old, divorced for six months with a 4 year old girl. My ex is a good father, we had a relatively pleasant divorce and he frequently visits our daughter. The problem is that he has a habit of introducing every new woman he dates to my daughter. I am not jealous because I feel nothing towards him but I am worried about the well being of my daughter. Each time she comes back home and tells me about the new woman she met I feel she is sad. It gravely upsets me but when I tried to explain the situation to my ex he did not care.
Can his behavior harm my child? What can I do?
Thank you
Natalie,
Currently, following your divorce, it is very important for you to function as a good mother and to prove to your child, as well as to yourself, that the divorce was not the end of the world and that the family is well established and has a stable foundation. Such a protective tendency is appropriate and blessed given how young your daughter is.
“Harm” in your terms can occur on four levels: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.
According to what you wrote, it is reasonable to assume that your ex and his dates do not physically injure the child. So talking about physical harm is irrelevant.
In the emotional sphere, you described a situation in which you feel sad because you think that your daughter should not experience sad emotions and it is your job, as her mother, to guarantee an exclusively rosy reality for her.
The solution to your dilemma resides at the spiritual level. First, you need to understand that the marriage, the birth, and the divorce were chosen by all concerned. What this means is that you and your ex, and your daughter as well, have chosen to go through a triplex relationship in which all of you would experience the meanings of love, family, separation, loss, new beginnings, sadness, and happiness.
Your daughter, who is innately an independent and sovereign human being, can learn the genuine meaning of feelings, choice-making, responsibility etc, from this experience, with the help of the messages and guidance that you provide. It is in your hands to navigate the current situation to a safe shore.
It is recommended that you tackle the issue from both sides, yours and your daughter’s. For yourself, accept the fact that you cannot control other people’s lives; you cannot tell them how to run their personal affairs. Nor should you. Angrily scolding your ex-husband would not help because his worldviews are different and you should respect that. As much as your own intentions and wishes seem right to you, any attempt to force or convince others to adopt them would be to no avail. Learn to accept it. Secondly, understand that sad emotions per-se are not a bad thing. The highest aspiration in life should not be a state of nirvana nor to experience only “positive” thoughts and feelings, but to reach a state of balance where the various aspects of the personality are equally developed. Emotions like sadness, apathy, and unhappiness are a natural part of the psyche and if you (try to) ban your daughter from having them, or if you convey the impression that it is not appropriate to feel them, you may cause her damage. You may cause her to repress such feelings when their natural expression is vital. Such repression is not healthy and may harm your child in her mature life.
Talking with the child
When you have completed the inner work with yourself you will need to talk with your daughter. Use the love that you have for her and from a safe, protected and tranquil space, create the opportunity for her to bring all her feelings to the surface. Do not assume that she is sad! Rather, ask her directly to say what she feels. Allow her to share and express her feelings and encourage her to do so by emphasizing how healthy and appropriate it is to do so. Then talk with her about the reasons that led her to feel the way she feels. She may tell you that she still hopes that you and her father would come back together. Obviously this is not your choice, so explain it to her with patience, love, and compassion. Remember that she wants you to be happy, so use the opportunity to speak about the meaning of happiness. Teach her that alongside the feeling of sadness is the happiness. Both feelings are natural. Your daughter is mature enough to grasp what you say; if not the words themselves then the meaning behind them.
Children have great telepathic skills. Trust that she can use them.
Credit: pinterest
In addition, talk with her about new beginnings; about new chances in life and in particular convey the message that divorce is not a dead-end. Use images from her own world – a new tooth that grows after the baby tooth fell; new leaves that grow in springtime. Likewise, you will find a new love and a new man to live with.
Another message that you may want to convey to your daughter is the power that people have to choose their own lives and to make decisions that lead them to happiness. Explain that her father makes new decisions and thus meets new women because he wants to be happy; because he wants a new beginning and therefore your daughter should be happy for him for making that choice.
To conclude –
There is no harm when your daughter discovers that her father wants to fall in love again. It is part of the cycles of human life and she chose to realize that at an early age. Such an occurrence can be seen as a good thing since her current experiences will allow her to develop balance and harmony.
Your duty as her mother is not to impede her from experiencing life but to encourage her and let her know that she is ok; to strengthen her security in what she feels and to help her develop the virtues of sharing, compassion, empowerment and inner joy.
Good luck!