The theme continues this week. The theme of good sex, the struggle is real, and the men’s panel lead the conversation today. To recap, God’s creations are good or not good. Man’s creations are either good or evil. When God created the animals He said it was good, when God separate water and land He said it was good. When he created man He said it is not good for man to be alone. It’s the only time He said it was not good. The panel today is Bestie hubby, single, and married for twelve hubby. This is how we shall refer to them. If you missed the women’s panel last week. You can catch up by clicking HERE.
Pastor: What is a man looking for in a woman? How did you find that in your wife?
12 hubby: companion, someone that goes beyond a friend. That one person I can rest my heart on that one person. Once I was married I realized it was support.
Bestie hubby: respect, men do fun things, we are flawed and make a lot of mistakes. To find someone that doesn’t belittle you, who is understanding, my wife saw beyond my mistakes and saw who I was. That’s how she became my bestie.
Single: they have such great answers, no pressure, lol. There is no easy answer, there are the common answers of a friend, someone you can trust, etc. It’s so hard to figure out who the person really is and who they think we want them to be. As a Christian man I need a woman who identifies and finds that in the Lord. A woman who prays. Can hold a conversation about all topics.
Pastor: expand on the topic of men being belittled. When a woman calls you an idiot for example, what does that do to your ego?
Bestie hubby: the way you deal with a man’s ego is similar to how a woman wants romance. We don’t fully understand how much romance means to you, similar to how much it means to us is huge and hard to understand.
12 hubby: growing up. Whenever someone talked about ego it was always negative. Over time I realized God created ego in men and it’s a good trait. Men are conquers, etc. A woman that naturally nurtures knows or supports a man in order to create a healthy ego. The woman holds so much power to do this without knowing. As simple as saying thank you for opening the door for you. A man feels like a king, like a provider, etc.
Pastor: just to clarify, not a king in the sense of serving this selfish man and women are less than.
12 hubby: exactly it’s more of a confidence in our ability. It’s natural acting of women that trust their spouse.
Pastor: what are certain assumptions that women make about men that aren’t true?
Single: along the lines of what we just talked about. Words of affirmation from women hold power. Women think their words don’t hurt.
Pastor shares a childhood memory of when a peer a young woman said something that changed his view of himself, of the world, and of others.
Bestie hubby:- it’s not all about sex. It’s part of it, but it’s not only about that.
12 hubby: strength, that all men want to be dominant. That we all want to lead. It may come off that way, especially because we have to outside the home. When I come home I don’t want to rule, I want to rest. Not only rest at home, but also in someone’s arms.
Bestie hubby: we are built to endure a lot physically, but not emotionally and socially.
Pastor: it’s interesting hearing this from the panel. I thought it was just me, it’s comforting to know that it’s a me thing, but a man thing.
Bestie hubby: sometimes I wish I could just cry, but it’s hard for me. Talking to my wife, opening up to her, I learn to trust and allow it.
Pastor: communication, women say it’s hard for men to open up. Sounds like men are just as complicated as women.
Single: it’s tricky because we say few words because we don’t know how to express ourselves. Finding someone that understands our method of communication through non-verbal and verbal communication.
Pastor: let’s try to clarify that, how do you want your woman/wife to communicate with you?
12 hubby: sometimes when she starts throwing furniture I know to ask, “is there something wrong,honey?” Lol, but seriously I think communication was created to be challenging. It takes six-plus years to truly understand communication. It’s so powerful you have to work at it, it’s no reason they say the tongue has the power of life and death. Marriage is a death to self because I’m putting my life down for you, for your desires.
Bestie hubby: keeping in mind that marriage is a covenant not a promise. With that in mind, I become silent when I’m upset. I draw back and my wife didn’t know. She would cry because of it. When I saw she was hurt, I hurt. So I told her that is how I act when something is wrong and I need you to pray. Again it takes time to learn from each other.
12 hubby: that is why I say communication takes time. It looks different for every relationship, it sounds different in every marriage.
Pastor: I asked this to the women last week, so I’ll ask you. Why are there so many single men in church and single for such a long time?
Single: I see it as a standoff. For example, two people know what they are looking for, but create doubt within themselves, they compare and try improve themselves, it’s a vicious circle of I’m not good enough.
Pastor: so do you ever feel you’re ready?
12 hubby: I felt ready, but I wasn’t.
Single: it’s the idea we always have to make the first move.
Pastor: is it biblical for a man to make the first move? I think so, the Bible says a man that finds a wife finds a good thing. I see it as a man that can initiate the relationship can also lead a relationship.
12 hubby: I like the way my wife answered that question last week. The culture in the church for dating needs to change.
Pastor: how do we date in church?
12 hubby: I think that’s part of the culture to build up healthy dating environment. The love aspect that we promote creates a place for healthy love to be flowing in the church.
Single: body language is important. Don’t come off as not approachable.
Pastor: I can see that being an issues as well because of miscommunication of intention. How do you learn when she is interested or just friendly? How would you counsel women that are flirtatious?
Single: careful of what you say, such as over compliments, touching too much, etc.
Pastor: to help with clarity, careful not to touch too much with guys you are just friends with.
12 hubby: it’s hard either way, everyone is different and communicates differently.
Pastor: let’s talk more about flirting. A recent convert that was accustomed to dressing or acting a way out in the club, but what is active to you?
Bestie hubby: modestly, honestly I never understood why women have so much clothes and yet believe less clothes is more. To me more skin is less attractive. You’re attracting the wrong part of us. If you drop a cookie you attract ants. Modesty encourages the chase, a healthy chase.
Single: leave something for the imagination.
12 hubby: in every man there is a king and a fool. As a woman you speak to what you want to come out. I wish I could say I said that, but I didn’t.
Pastor: what about women who do all this stuff, but I never get approached? They fear my confidence etc. How do women deal with that?
12 hubby: I don’t think they do, they don’t need to change. To me that tells me her focus is on me not on God. Shift your focus on God and see how that will attract the right man to you. God created you to capture the eye of one man. Not many, just one Adam for Eve.
Single: you focus on God, that way you don’t become desperate. When you’re desperate you may take or give in to someone that isn’t ready and that someone might be you. Don’t consume. It’s not easy. According to your schedule you’re falling behind, but God is preparing.
12 hubby: maybe God is preparing you for a husband that is in prison right now. God may be preparing you for a man with a past. Only a strong woman can do that.
Pastor: with the saying, “nice guys finish last,” why do women want a nice guy with a bad boy look?
Single: it’s the unknown that excites women. Good guys have this perception of being predictable. I think this is more so at a younger age. As time passes you realize the unknown isn’t as exciting. If you’re the nice guy, keep being nice.
Pastor: married men, help us single people know what submission and leading a family look like?
12 hubby: submission in my mind is a mistaken word because it has been misused so often. As if submission is giving up, on the loser, I give the control to you. Whereas submission isn’t to obey me, but trust me as your partner. Someone that is comfortable to stand next to me.
Bestie hubby: kinda goes back to the ego conversation. We know we have to lead, so we will try to that by being a helper. Like we are both climbing a mountain, the man is going up first as the physically stronger man and as he tires she helps pull him up. Once he is able he will lift her up.
Single: after a date go home and pray. This discipline, this practice creates an awareness far deeper. I think submission starts at home by submitting to God at home.
Pastor: men tend to want to the hero, lead the home, but they don’t want a woman that is needy?
12 hubby: when I started talking to my wife about marriage, I wanted her to know that she was free. I want to promote her growth. I want her to know I believe in her to be her own person. I’m the middleman between you and God. I’m constantly there to remind you that you need God, you need to know you are loved, etc.
Single: learn who you are and learn how to learn and grow. A person that’s “needy” is someone that is never satisfied. Someone that never learns. I’m not your God.
Bestie hubby: it sounds like a trust issue. There is a difference between not trusting your spouse. To the point that when he goes out and you don’t feel at peace then that is something the man can fix.
