Blessings to each one of you on this Monday. May God keep you and fill you with His Holy Spirit.
Be forewarned. This post is one of the more darker posts I will make. It will be a pure, un-edited form of my thoughts on some situations in my past that left me suicidal more than once. In the end, God received glory from it, but there were first many hardships I had to face.
Recounting a Toxic and Broken Relationship
Remember back in My Story I made a note about how whenever my girlfriend cut herself I could feel it. There was this stabbing searing pain in my left hip. Some would think this is voodoo or black magic. Back then, I didn't know what it was, and quite frankly I didn't want to know.
I stayed with that girl for seven months you see. Seven months, I kept an open conversation with her. If she texted me at 2 in the morning (which she often did) I was there for her. I would be in the middle of my work and if she needed me I would drop everything I was doing just to help her. I know, you are most likely thinking this is unhealthy. I myself knew it was unhealthy but at the same time, I didn't care. I just wanted her to get better. I was doing everything in my power to help her get better and I couldn't. Admittedly, I was taking the wrong stance with it as well. I couldn't figure out how to get her to stop cutting, but I tried everything I could think of to the point where I was making herself feel bad about her cutting. I shouldn't have done that but I did.
Did I care about this girl? Yeah. Why? I have no idea. I mean I said I loved her but if I had to be completely honest it was just an affection that I had towards her, deep-seated in this longing for her to improve herself. It wasn't anything near as deep as love. Every day, I would worry about her. Every day I was trying to keep her from cutting herself, or talking her out of suicide. This happened every day for 7 months. For a portion of our relationship I was working across the state at a summer camp. I was always worrying about her 100% of the time because I couldn't be there for her, and I was under the impression that God wanted to use me to "save her" from her depression and suicidal tendencies.
Who was I kidding though? I didn't have a relationship with God at the time so I didn't have the slightest inkling of what God's plans were. During our time away from each other we would be texting all the time or calling each other. To the point where I actually regret texting her so much because I missed out on a lot of what camp had to offer me. Stuff started getting really weird with my girlfriend though. She started reporting seeing dark figures in mirrors, and she also started saying some things that were really different. I liked none of them, but one of the things she told me was that "It feels to me like you never even existed in the first place." This was the first time I had ever heard something so outlandish from someone, but I continued to try to work with her... bringing myself further and further into despair.
Matters of the Soul
As I recalled in my story I started feeling when she would cut herself. Years later, when I had coffee with that guy from Part 2 I also told him about what was happening at that time. He goes on to explain this to be a soul tie. A soul tie can either be good or bad. Depending on who it is with, how they stand with God, and their current state. The concept of a soul tie comes from Genesis as well as Matthew.
Berĕshith (Genesis) 2:24
"For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."
Mattithyahu (Matthew) 19:5
"and said,‘For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?"
The one flesh thing is definitely not physical, and over time it can become a mental bond as couples end up knowing what the other is thinking/feeling at any given moment. But more immediately, it is a spiritual bond. A soul tie can either be developed immediately through sexual intercourse or over a long period of affection. I never had sexual relations with this girl but I did have the other aspect. She wasn't right with God and looking back I can see how her "seeing dark figures in mirrors", coupled with the soul tie, could have easily resulted in my visitations that I received by Despair.
Post-Breakup
After the breakup, I stopped feeling things from her, but by no means did that break the soul tie. Right after we broke up I started feeling depressed and lonely. All of the sudden I had this depression of my own. I had just broken up with somebody who I so blindly thought I would marry, and I didn't have any friends there to help me through. You see, I had neglected all of them for my girlfriend, and foolishly I let all of their friendship slip away.
I laid in bed many nights, wanting to kill myself. Tears streaming down my face because I had somehow gotten in my head that I wasn't good enough. For who? Anyone. Not my parents, not my friends, not my sister, not myself, and certainly not for God. I had such a strong thought that I had no purpose for my life and that I was useless. The only thing that saved me was my willpower. Because I was so depressed, I didn't even have the willpower to kill myself. I just laid in bed wishing it would happen.
This affected my school and I immediately started failing my classes in college. I no longer cared about school. I kept trying and trying but when it came down to it, I didn't care anymore. Before I left college, I met the other friend who I mentioned in my story that left me.
Recap
Looking back, I'm starting to realize that I have had this ability to sense spiritual matters such as evil spirits and soul ties my whole life. I had no idea what it all was until I had that night of prayer and the Holy Spirit filled me, but I always had some very small degree of being able to understand/feel spiritual matters. I used to be afraid, but not anymore.
Eph`siyim (Ephesians) 6:10-13
"For the rest, my brothers, be strong in the Master and in the mightiness of His strength.
Put on the complete armour of Elohim, for you to have power to stand against the schemes of the devil.
Because we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against authorities, against the world-rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual matters of wickedness in the heavenlies.
Because of this, take up the complete armour of Elohim, so that you have power to withstand in the wicked day, and having done all, to stand.
If you haven't already please read the three articles previous to this one:
My Story
On Demons and the Spiritual - Part 1 - Introduction
On Demons and the Spiritual - Part 2 - A Divine Appointment
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