Healthy Relationships (Colossians 3:12-13)
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The Bible ranks healthy relationships as the most important thing in life. A Jewish religious expert asked Jesus (Matt. 22:36), “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied (Matt. 22:37-40):
“‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.”
A loving relationship with God is of first importance; but loving relationships with others is second. The Bible is all about these two important relationships.
1. God has graciously chosen us in love to be set apart to Himself.
Colossians 3:12a: “So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved….” “So” (or, “therefore”) shows that verse 12 follows from what came before. The flow of thought is: Because we have laid aside the old man (what we were in Adam) and have put on the new man (what we now are in Christ, both individually and corporately), and because in this new corporate man old differences no longer matter, but Christ is all and in all, therefore, we should put on the qualities listed here.
Paul begins by stating that God has graciously chosen us. This means that if you’re a Christian it’s not because you first chose God, but because He chose you before the foundation of the world (Eph. 1:4-5). That truth should be a great comfort for every believer, but I realize that it causes problems for many. They don’t like it because it seems to deny our “free will.” It seems unfair of God to choose some, but not others. It seems to go against God’s love for the world (John 3:16) and His desire for all to be saved (1 Tim. 2:4). So, these Christians explain election as God’s choosing those whom he foreknew would believe in Him.
But if that were true, then our salvation would not be based on God’s grace alone, but on something good (our faith) that God saw in us. It also presumes that sinners have the ability to believe in Christ, which contradicts many Scriptures. For example, Jesus said (John 6:44), “No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him.” (See, also, Luke 10:21-22; John 6:65; 8:43; Rom. 8:7-8; 9:16-18; 1 Cor. 2:14; 2 Cor. 4:4). Saving faith is a gift from God, not something that any sinner can do on his own (Eph. 2:8-9; Phil. 1:29). If God chose us based on foreseen faith, then it means that He made up His eternal plan based on what sinful people decided to do, rather than on His will (Eph. 1:11). It makes us sovereign, with God subservient to our will—a horrible thought!
2. We should treat others with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forbearance, and forgiveness.
Actually, there are five nouns: compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, which are probably set in contrast to the five sins in verse 5 and the five other sins in verse 8. “Bearing with one another and forgiving each other” describe the way in which those five virtues are put into practice. But I’m going to treat forbearance and forgiveness as two additional qualities that help our relationships be healthy.
Second, all these character qualities are modeled in Jesus Christ. He was compassionate and kind (Matt. 9:36; 14:14), humble and gentle (Matt. 11:29), patient, forbearing, and forgiving (1 Pet. 2:23; Luke 23:34). He is our great example of how to relate to others. As we learn to put on these qualities, we’re really putting on the Lord Jesus Christ (Rom. 13:14) and becoming more like Him.
A. We should treat others with compassion.
If you lack compassion, you’re too focused on yourself and not enough on others’ needs. Jesus saw the multitude and felt compassion because He saw that they were like sheep without a shepherd (Mark 8:34). The disciples saw the same multitude and didn’t feel compassion because they were focused on their own need to get away and rest. It all depends on your focus.
B. We should treat others with kindness.
To be kind means to be free from all which is harsh, rough, and bitter. This word was used to describe wine that had mellowed (Luke 5:39). It didn’t bite or leave a bitter taste. A kind person is not demanding and pushy. He gives others room to be imperfect without crawling all over them.
C. We should treat others with humility.
First, a humble person is Christ-sufficient, not self-sufficient. A humble person consciously relies on the Lord and recognizes that God has given him all that he has (1 Pet. 5:5-7; 1 Cor. 4:7). He knows that he is weak in himself, but he is strong when he trusts in God’s strength (2 Cor. 12:9-10; Phil. 4:13).
D. We should treat others with gentleness.
The gentle person is not self-willed, but surrendered to do God’s will. Plato used the word of a gentle doctor who used only enough force (as in setting a broken bone) to bring healing. So the gentle person will sometimes be strong to confront sin, but only strong enough to bring healing (Gal. 6:1; 2 Tim. 2:25).
E. We should treat others with patience.
Kindness, gentleness, and patience are listed in the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23). The Greek word for patience literally means, “long-tempered.” It’s the opposite of having a short fuse. It means being tolerant of imperfections, differences and faults in others. The patient person gives others time to change and room to make mistakes in the process. It’s a virtue that’s especially difficult for those of us who are perfectionists!
F. We should treat others with forbearance.
This means putting up with someone’s faults and idiosyncrasies. We need to recognize that being different doesn’t necessarily mean being wrong. Let’s face it, a lot of areas aren’t black and white. Just because I’ve always done something a certain way doesn’t mean that everyone else has to do it my way. We must never be forbearing when it comes to biblical moral absolutes. But we must bear with others when it comes to things the Bible doesn’t clearly command.
G. We should treat others with forgiveness.
Rather than holding a grudge or harboring bitterness and resentment, we must forgive those who wrong us. Did you notice that many of these qualities are needed only when you have a complaint against someone? So you can’t excuse yourself by saying, “I’d treat him right if he would treat me better.” You wouldn’t need patience, forbearance, or forgiveness if everyone treated you well!
Conclusion
So, because God graciously chose us in love to be set apart to Himself, we should treat others with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forbearance, and forgiveness. His gracious, loving treatment of us is the basis for our treatment of others.
Maybe you’re wondering, “Where do I start?” You may need to begin by focusing on your relationship with God. Have you trusted in Christ as your Savior so that you’ve truly experienced His forgiveness, mercy, and love? You can’t love others as you should until you’re rightly related to God.
When you blow it, confess it to the Lord and ask the forgiveness of those you’ve wronged. You may need to begin by going to those you’ve already wronged to make things right. Make a habit of putting on these “new clothes” and you’ll enjoy the blessing, not of perfect relationships, but of substantially healthy relationships.