Sometime ago, a sister approached me with concerns about her sexuality. She wondered why although she is deliberate about her walk with God, she still has a strong urge for sex. When I smiled and told her I had sexual desires too and that these desires were God-given and normal, she was greatly relieved.
When you ask some Christian singles, ‘have you at any point felt like having sex?’ the look on their faces will make you wonder if you’ve just asked an abominable question.
Yes we have the standard ‘flee sexual immorality’ instruction.
There are lots of sexual purity campaigns, seminars on the demonic operations behind illicit sexual affairs, talk shows that tell stories on how destinies are destroyed via fornication.
Too many struggles have arisen out of sexual urges that looks impossible to be tamed.
But the question still remains in the heart of many Christian singles. Can sexual urges be controlled? What happens when my body just desires physical intimacy? How do I handle my raging emotions knowing that God demands sexual purity?
1.Understand that sexual desires are placed inside us by God
Our bodies came with this pleasure package. The longing for sex is normal.
Imagine that nothing moves you. No desire for intimacy. The sight of that beautiful sister does not even make you feel anything or even when you are with the person you claim God wants you to marry, there is no fire or desire whatsoever. Your body is as stiff as wood. If you are like this, who knows, maybe you have been destined to be a eunuch for righteousness sake.
One thing I know is that for every normal human being, our bodies responds to this intimacy because while we were formed, this ‘button’ was strategically placed to provide the sweetness that comes with companionship upon matrimony.
An understanding of this helps us to look forward to marriage. As a man thinks in his heart, so he is. When your thoughts are full of sensuality outside the marriage bed, your body will act in response to the signals from your mind.
This is where control starts from. Your thought process. A constant reminder of the place and purpose for which sex was designed will help.
For a person who says, ‘Abeg, no man can control his sexual urges before marriage!’ be sure that he’ll indulge in it as many times as possible.
For you as a believer who honours and fear God, the question will be, What does God say about sexual intimacy? The answer should fill your thought life.
2. As far as sexual temptation is concerned, it is a fight we must win
I believe that sex is one of the greatest temptations Christian singles face.
The devil seeks to twist our innate desire for sex for his own purpose. He does this by implanting sensual thoughts that draws us towards the flesh.
There is a battle to fight. Almost everything in our environment awakens us to our sexuality. Our urges are at alert more now than ever. Every morning as we wake up, our minds are forced in the battle field surrounded by enemies. We constantly win with the sword of the Spirit and prayers. Our communion with God is how we maintain stability.
3.You must train your minds to quickly diffuse sexual thoughts that come into your mind
I use the word train because there may be times when you find yourself indulging in the lustful pictures when you clearly know what the Word says. Even when that happens, never let that discourage you.
Whatever actions that may have resulted from such indulgence should not make you sit in guilt. You have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ. There is no condemnation to those in Christ Jesus. Get back into the Word as quickly as possible and learn to cast down every imagination that goes against the knowledge of Christ. Become a guru at pulling every thought to the obedience of Christ.
It comes with practice. The more you practice this, the more sensitive you become when those thoughts attack your mind.
4.Understand how your emotions works
It is foolish to see that your body quickly responds to touch or how you get easily emotionally attached and still allow your emotions to do as it wills.
Don’t ever compare your ability to control sexual temptations with someone else. You see how aroused you quickly become and yet you still visit that sister every time and talk with her far into the night.
You know that watching movies series, many of which now have sex scenes in strategic episodes, drives you faster into pornography and masturbation and yet you sit down with it because another believer says he is not easily affected by scenes like that.
Know how your body works. When you notice that the urges are repeatedly very strong at a particular time, take helpful steps.
A lady once told me that as a single, her ovulation period were the times her urges got to a peak. At those times, she was more sensitive with physical contact
The more you expose yourself to the things that trigger our sensuality, the weaker we become in taking our stand. Take note of those triggers. It’ll save you from falling and rising every time.
5.Sensitivity to the Holy Spirit is very important if we must control our sexual desires
The Holy Spirit will teach you what to do each step of the way. We must learn to listen. He is our helper.
There were some mistakes we’d have averted if we had listened. Long before you fell flat into that sexual sin, you might have heard an alarm go off in your head, or heard God’s Word jump right at you.
The Holy Spirit clearly says, ‘No! Don’t go there.’ but then the flesh is also trying to win our attention.
Many times, when we easily yield to the flesh, it is because there is something wrong with our communion. There is too much of exposure from the outside while our inner man is starved of the bread of life.
6.Never have confidence in the flesh
Here’s a sister in the fellowship who just became your friend. You begin to chat every day. As you chat, you can see fire and passion building inside of you gradually.
You sense in your spirit that you need to withdraw but then you think, ‘She is a believer. We pray and share scriptures together. Nothing can happen.’
She keeps visiting and then one evening, you just finished discussing some scriptures when you are both rolling on the floor, fondling each other like starved lions, clothes flung aside.
When you finish, you wonder how that happened even though you were reading scriptures few minutes ago.
Imagine a man at the height of passion and he is muttering, ‘Holy Spirit, help me.’ Which Holy Spirit biko?
7.Be armed with the Word
Have you noticed the way sexual thoughts just descend on our minds at will? They don’t even fear that you are reading the Word. In the middle of reading a chapter, they creep in. In church, while the Pastor is preaching, your mind just suddenly wanders to a lady in your compound who came out of her flat that morning, half naked.
You must be armed with scriptures to dispel those thoughts. Romans 12:2 says we are transformed by the renewing of our minds. Spend time with the Word.
The psalmist said, God’s Word have I hid in my heart that I might not sin against the thee.
The Word washes out those nonsense pictures and images our mind have picked in the course of the day.
There are some images that we never called for. They popped out on our phones or we see them as we go about our daily activities. It is as we come before the Word that our minds are cleansed and refilled with God’s thoughts again.
8.When you feel a strong urge to have sex, do something to distract you
It is not at that time you turn on the TV or scroll endlessly on social media. If you do that, you’ll be fanning those desires and giving the flesh room to explore. Imagine pouring grains of sugar on the floor and asking ants not to pay a visit.
Do something spiritual. Listen to a song or sermon, read a Christian literature, pray with friends, check up on your parent or sibling and just laugh and talk. Those urges don’t last long. They will disappear once there is nothing to hold on to.
9.Your shield is your faith
If you are struggling with sexual temptation, whether sex itself, sex chat or pornography, one of the radical ways to handle it is to completely trust God for deliverance.
When it happens,(I’m not saying this for it to happen), don’t forget to remind yourself on your identity in Christ.
You are God’s Son. You are the righteousness of God in Christ. Nothing can separate you from God’s love.
Remind yourself that you are seated in heavenly places in Christ and your struggle has already been dealt with. Say it again and again until you completely shut the mouth of the accuser.
Don’t start condemning yourself. It’s the devil’s strategy to keep you going in the same circle.
Hold your shield of faith high and then when your head is so full of your position in Christ, you’ll find that there is peace in your heart and a confidence to hear the Holy Spirit show you what made you slip and how to stand firm.
You do not have any business listening to the devil. Whatever happened is between you and God.
God sees your motive and knows you sincerely want to live a life pleasing to him. He understands that you deeply want to please Him.
Your unflinching focus on Christ when you fall into sexual temptation proves that you trust the finished works of Christ. We are assured that we can rest on the integrity of God’s Word
It shows that you are confident in the new life that you have received. You faith and not your ceaseless cries is the victory that overcomes this corrupt world.
When you discard your assurance as a son, it’ll be difficult for you to receive help. So it is either you are listening to the devil or taking a stand in your profession of faith, believing that because you are a son, you have overcome.
10.If God says wait, wait
.People will say all manner of things when you decide to wait for God to lead you to your spouse. They’ll make you feel you are wasting your time by staying celibate.
The Media will push at you the reasons why you should have sex as a single. How penetration is difficult when you get to a certain age and why you need to try it out before that time. Some will even say it is by having sex that the sexual urges reduces.
You will be frustrated at times because of the absence of physical intimacy. At these times, remember that the word is our compass.
If the Word says we have self-control, then we trust the word. If God says, wait patiently for me and I’ll direct your path. We know for sure that it is ours. Every time, we put the Word before us.
Each victory will make you stronger. That desire may look like, if you don’t respond right now, you will faint. Na lie abeg. It will pass.
11.Who are your friends?
The kind of friends you keep will either draw you towards sexual purity or plunge you deep into pre-marital sex. Ask God to send you friends who are passionate about Him. Friends who will constantly stir your heart towards spiritual things.
12.Be patient with those struggling with sexual sin
We must not deceive ourselves. Pornography or sex chats is as much a sin as the real act of sex.
Don’t get on your high horse condemning those involved in sexual immorality while you continue to indulge in pornography or sext. You are an hypocrite if you do that. You need help as much as they do.
Be compassionate with those who are struggling. Even if you are not struggling with any form of sexual temptation, remember your duty in the body of Christ to help others.
No true believer desires to indulge in premarital sex, some just don’t know the way out. It is our duty as ministers of the new testament to prayerfully strengthen their faith in Christ.
Let me say this as I conclude;
We can’t stop birds from flying over our heads but we can stop them from building a nest on our head.
Spend time in the Word and in prayers. Grow in your intimacy with God. This is how self control is continually birthed. This is how we maintain sanity in corru u outside of God’s plan. When we continually walk in the Spirit, we won’t give in to the desires of our flesh.