If I could go back in time would I change anything?
No...
I have come to realise that I woud'nt change a thing, for everything that has happened.. the good and the bad has always been for a reason and has shaped who I am today. God has a plan for me and this was all apart of it.
By the grace of God im almost 17months clean and sober.
I got to a point in my addiction whereby I was spiritually bankrupt, I used everday and whatever I could get my hands on, because I didnt want to feel, I didnt want to have to sit with myself... I craved company and connection, even though I isolated myself in my using. I landed up pushing my family and friends away to the point where no one wanted to see me. My father took his house key away and I had to shedule when I was going to visit.. because he didnt trust me.
I will never forget that. My father also said he loved me but he didnt like me and it hurt, but thinking back I really wasnt likeable,
I like to reflect on the past as painful as it is, because I dont want to go back there ever.
I am filled with emotion and gratitude today, because life is genuinely wonderful.. I am happy and fulfilled with life being life, no longer seeking more from life but enjoying the little things. I have a relationship with my parents and my brother again its incredible... and they trust me! It doesnt seem too long ago that my brother sent me a whatsapp with a skeleton sitting on a bench saying waiting to see my sister... and that broke me because we are so close, but I put my using and drinking before anybody else. There were no such things as consequences for me.. I was so selfish and a total mess.. but I see that now.. and like I said im so glad I was that way, to hit a rock bottom like I did, that changed my life. I was sitting in bed one day, using the last of my drugs and I knew that I was done because I felt the presence of God and I knew this was not the life for me.. so the following day I booked myself into a rehabilitation centre for 21 days. It was really tough.. but i did it.
Over everything I practice honesty, I dont always get it right but I do correct myself when I dont...I accept myself warts and all.. I am human and we all make mistakes from time to time and thats ok...
I have so many people to thank for being apart of my journey.. but above all God.
I know that no matter what happens I am never alone and that in itself is beautiful.
I am in a loving and honest relationship, with the most beautiful man who loves me and my past. I know that there are no coincidences in life and he was part of Gods plan all along... every other relationship that failed previously all makes sense now.
I was listening to an NA share online yesterday and a man (in NA people are anonymous) shared something so beautiful and said..
"If you do not love, you are not alive because thats the gift of God. For when you love another you see the face of God in them."
I received such beautiful roses yesterday, David called them "Princess Roses."
Very lucky and extremely grateful.
Thank you for reading,
With Love,
P