I was raised with no religion whatsoever. In late 1997, I realized that what stared back through the mirror was a deeply troubled young man with no idea how or why to live this life. You see, I had everything I always wanted for the most part. I wasn't rich or anything, but the things I had always found refuge in were abundant and readily available. I had it made, for all intents and purposes.
To give some perspective, my first real epiphany happened while I was peaking on the best pure liquid LSD imaginable. I was also receiving a lap dance from the most beautiful girl imaginable! I was 24 years old in Fort Lauderdale, FL at the time. I was surrounded by friends, making good money, and the next party was always right around the corner. This particular evening should have been one to remember for all time. Only, something terrifying was beginning to form in my mind. This was not the usual paranoia or morbid introspect common when using hallucinogens. No amount of talking me down would make this one go away as my friends would soon find out.
I began to look around, analyzing exactly where I was and what I was doing. The room breathed, and inanimate objects danced all around me. There was this amazingly beautiful woman who dedicated herself to nothing more than making me feel good. I could hear the calls and laughter from others present cheering me on. I kept thinking that this was the greatest experience I could ever have hoped for in 1000 lifetimes. Well, it would have been if only this strange realization hadn't emerged from the haze of my conscientiousness.
It was the first time in my life where I had everything I always wanted. It was also the exact moment when I realized how completely, and utterly miserable I was regardless. I was shaken to the very core of my being. I couldn't even put it off to the drugs. I had used many flavor of hallucinogens in the past. This was not just a "bad trip." This was a sobering experience.
After many failed attempts on my friends' part to snap me out of it, I left the party and walked the four blocks to my studio apartment. There, I sat on the floor for hours thinking about every little event in my life and how it all brought me to this place. This was the first time I had ever seriously considered suicide. Inversely, this was also the first time I ever seriously considered God. It was just before sunrise when I could feel the drugs wearing off. This was when I said my very first sincere prayer. It was very simple. I said God, if you're real, please show me you exist and I will follow you. To make a long story short, I said that prayer mid November 1997. January 18, 1998 is the day I was baptized at First Baptist Church of Fort Lauderdale.
The story I have given so far is only the Reader's Digest version of the tip of the iceberg. The finer details are known only to God, myself, and those closest to me. Suffice to say I went from skeptic without a clue to true believer in the "twinkling of an eye." I loved my church. The pastors were amazing. They used my story as an example of epic conversions in more than one sermon. I began to consume religion. As I said, I was raised with no religion whatsoever. Now I wanted to know about all of them. Of course the bible was priority, and within a couple of weeks of having received my first one, I could site verses with the best of them.
This initial phase of bible study is what opened up a much more complete understanding of the world around me. I was amazed at how much scripture permeates our culture. I saw myself plain as day in the characters for better or for worse. It was also during this time when I first experienced that troubling sensation that creeps up when you notice something written in the book that doesn't seem to wash with what you've been lead to believe. I spent the next ten years searching creeds and commentaries. I've sat in pews across the spectrum from Pentecostal to Anglican searching for this "pillar and foundation of truth" spoken of in the bible. I was starting to lose trust in churches, period. At the same time, I wasn't presumptuous enough to think that only I could interpret the bible properly. I began to just ignore the nagging doubt and try to live by faith. Then, our first child was born. It was he who inspired me to take a step back and begin asking the hard questions.
To be continued...