I have a been a Christian my whole life. I grew up in the church, went most Sundays, repented for my sins, asked for forgiveness and asked the Lord to be my savior. I got baptized on April 15, 1999. I have seen God work in amazing ways in my own life and others.However, I can't say I've ever felt the presence of God.Wait…what? Isn't that something that a Christian should be able to relate to? Feeling his peace, love, and presence? Or some kind of spiritual awakening that helps them on their journey? Being filled with the Holy Spirit (and maybe speaking in tounges or some other sign)?Nope…I feel as my entire life it has just been a mostly "natural" walk or "physical" walk with only glimpses of seeing something spiritual. I'm told I have the holt spirit when I asked the Lord into my life. However, I lack most of the fruits of the spirit. I hear about this power people have received from God to drop their bad habits or addictions and be able to fully live alive unto God.I grew up dealing with abuse and trauma at home and in the school. I was very socially awkward and get bullied a lot. Many friends deserted me. I was very angry and developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms that still haunt me to this today. I have an addictive personality. I tend to try to find things that make me feel better. People tell me that I should be going to God. I find myself being ruled by the flesh and not having "desires" that Christians should have, but instead having to deny myself of pleasures that the world so unabashedly and unashamedly enjoys. In fact, I feel shame every time I indulge in the things of the flesh. I shouldn't "do that". That's not allowed. "Isn't God enough?" is what I hear (in my mind at least and sometimes by others). To be honest, I wish it were. It's not that easy. I have been vacillating even about writing this blog because I was afraid of offending God by saying his "religion" doesn't work for me very well or something. (I know it's not about religion; I'm just making a point).I am very selfish. I tend to only care about my needs. I don't truly care about anyone else. I mean, I do "care" but can't relate to them on their level because I can only feel myself. I get agitated if I have to go out of my way to someone. Even loved ones. I feel guilty for complaining about it. I end up doing things anyway despite how I feel because it's the right thing to do. Very rarely do I have the desire to do selfless things. I see others who do it so naturally. They just love people. They are so into their spouses and children. They seem happy and free. I feel that is not who I am but it should be. I get very defensive and say, "it's not my fault I am this way!" … just to try to make myself feel better. In reality, it's just another bit of selfishness rearing its ugly head. I end up keeping thoughts to myself because I feel like people at best wouldn't understand me or at worst they would shun me.I came to a realization the other day that may shed some light on my problem. I've never truly felt connected to anyone. I feel as if I walk alone in this world. I'm by myself. My wife is the closest I have come to feeling close to anyone…and even then I feel like I am not as close to her as I want to. Intimacy is a very scary thing. I can't get too close to someone. I feel that having that lack of connection protects me from a lot of potential pain. The pain of losing a loved one or rejection. I had it all too much growing up. I feel as if someone died that I maybe my soul would not be absolutely crushed because I didn't let myself get that close to them anyway. I feel like I have never truly loved or been loved. I know that I have been loved…what I am saying is I don't FEEL it. My heart is just too wounded to receive it. I just cross between pain and numbness. I have only a glimpse of what love is by hearing someone else's experience with it. I feel like it requires some fleshly indulgence to make me feel better, at least temporarily. Why doesn't doing God's will or doing the right thing give me "good vibes" or "emotions" so that I do it more often? Sadly, the best I have ever felt was from being buzzed from having several alcoholic beverages. This should not be!I feel that if I DID know how to receive and give love, that I would be free of the things that keep me in bondage.I also feel that I don't deserve it. I'm just one of billions of people (think Place in this World by Michael W. Smith). What makes me so special? A lot of the time I feel that I'm not going to make it. I'm going to eventually blow it and lose my wife, kids, house, career, even my sanity. I don't have any promises otherwise. Sure, I'm told about all these promises in the bible…but then I read about what happens to you when you sin. I have a hard time reading the bible because a lot of the time it just messes with me and leaves me more confused than before. I am not sure if I'm on God's good side or bad side. People try to console me and encourage me. But NOTHING EVER GETS THROUGH TO MY HEART. There seems to be a spiritual blockade that doesn't let anything through.Could this have any relation to why I can't feel God? Or I can't feel others because I can't feel God? I don't know how to do it. It's a foreign concept to me. I pray that the Lord sends His spirit —or shows me a vision or appears to me…or something but I guess that's just not for me. It's for some Christians. (I know this may be a lie but it's how I feel). I feel like I need spiritual deliverance. I have tried so many things but I never get that breakthrough. I feel like sometimes I just have to suck it up and try to make it through the next 50-60-70 years of my life and hopefully I end up on God's merciful side instead of his wrathful side.It's a tough spiritual battle when everyone tells you what they think you need to hear but I go on struggling. I see it happen to others too. Does something bad have to happen to me before I finally get it? I hope not.I know I said "I feel" a million times. But how else does one truly know they are right with God? That they are loved and everything will be alright? Words are not enough.I appreciate your prayers. Know that I am not giving up. My search to know God will never end as long as I live.