Christmas Dad Jokes
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claus-trophobia!
What’s the Grinch’s least favorite band? The Who!
What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar? He got 25 days!
How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas? He was hooked on trees his whole life.
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!
Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had very low elf esteem.
A book never written: How to Decorate a Tree, by Orna Ment.
What does the Grinch do with a baseball bat? Hits a gnome and runs.
What do fish sing during the holidays? Christmas corals.
What is a Christmas tree’s favorite candy? Ornamints.
What did Santa do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker!
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?A rebel without a Claus.
Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll!
Why did Frosty ask for a divorce? His wife was a total flake.
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas Quacker!
Why does Scrooge love reindeer so much? Because every single buck is dear to him!
What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”? Santa walking backwards!
What’s Santa’s favorite snack food? Crisp Pringles.
Unsplash
(Unsplash)
Why was the snowman looking through the carrots? He was picking his nose!
Why do mummies like Christmas so much? They’re into all the wrapping.
Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ‘ho ho ho’!
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing. It was on the house!
What is the best Christmas present in the world? A broken drum, you just can’t beat it!
How do you help someone who’s lost their Christmas spirit? Nurse them back to elf.
What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps!
What did Adam say the day before Christmas? “It’s Christmas, Eve!”
What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs? Anything you want. He can’t hear you!
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!
What do you call a blind reindeer? I have no eye deer.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot’s him.
What’s the difference between Santa and a knight? One slays the dragon, the other drags the sleigh.
Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber? It needed to be trimmed!
What is Santa Claus’ laundry detergent of choice? Yule-Tide.
Why was Theresa May sacked as Nativity Manager? She couldn’t run a stable government!
How does Santa keep his bathroom tiles immaculate? He uses Comet.
Unsplash
(Unsplash)
What is Santa’s favorite pizza? One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even!
What’s Santa’s favorite song by the Ramones? Blitzen-krieg Bop.
I can’t get to the chocolates in my advent calendar. Foiled again.
What do the elves call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play? Santapplause!
How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels.
What do you say to Santa when he’s taking attendance at school? Present.
Did you know that Santa’s not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.
What do you call Kris Kringle when he goes on his wife’s health insurance? A dependent Claus.
Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.
Why are Comet, Cupid, and Donner, and always wet? Because they are rain deer.
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective? Santa Clues!
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me, “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.” So I bought her nothing.
Why does St. Nick like the Temptations’ version of Silent Night best? Because Santa Was A Rolling Stone.
What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick’s Day? St. O’Claus!
When Santa is on the beach what do the elves call him? Sandy Claus
The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
Unsplash
(Unsplash)
What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit? Crisp Kringle.
What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.
What’s the most popular Christmas carol in the desert? Oh caaamel ye faithful.
What’s as big as Santa but weighs nothing? Santa’s shadow!
Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey—he’s always stuffed!
How do you scare a snowman? Grab a hairdryer!
Why does Santa have elves in his workshop? Because the Seven Dwarfs were busy!
Warning! Naughty, Adults-Only Dirty Christmas Jokes
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.
What do a train set and boobs have in common? They were both made for kids but dads can’t help playing with them.
What do three ho’s get you? One very jolly Santa.
What’s the difference between a Christmas tree and a man? A Christmas tree will stay up for 12 nights, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on.
Is your name Jingle Bells? Cause you look ready to go all the way.
Have you heard about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer? He can run as fast as Rudolph, he just can’t stop as fast.
Why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus? He refused to let go of all those irritating ho’s.
Why are Christmas trees better than men? Even the small ones give satisfaction.
Are you Christmas? ‘Cause I wanna merry you!
You know, that’s not a candy cane in my pocket… I’m just THAT happy to see you.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was searching for some holiday spirit.
Why does Santa always come through the chimney? Because he knows better than to try the back door.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
What do you call Santa if he also lives in the South Pole? Bi-Polar.
Why was the snowman smiling? He could see the snowblower coming down the street.
What do priests and Christmas trees have in common? Their balls are just ornamental.
What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney? “Chest and nuts roasting on an open fire…”
Why is Santa so damn jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present’s beneath them.
What do all the female reindeer do when Santa takes the males out to guide his sleigh? They go into town and blow more than a few bucks.
Why did the snowman want a divorce? Because his wife was a total flake.
Why did the Grinch rob the liquor store? He desperately needed some holiday spirit.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.
Why doesn’t Santa have kids of his own? He only comes once a year.
Wanna see the North Pole? …At least that’s what Mrs. Claus calls it.
What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa was smart enough to stop at three hos.
What’s Santa’s safe sex tip? Wrap your package before shoving it down the chimney.
What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning? When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Why does Santa land on the roof? Because he likes it on top.
If your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas, do you mind if I visit between the holidays?