Merry Christmas to All! But Bah, Humbug! My Way of Dealing With No...

I woke up this morning and it took me over 2 hours to finally muster up the willpower to get out of bed and do something. I thought I was doing fine, and I tried so hard to convince myself that I was. I even attempted to get myself into the Christmas spirit by trying to do a 12 Days of Christmas special edition of my daily singing videos, but clearly it did not work, as I stopped doing them a few days before Christmas. Just another one of my failed endeavors in life, I guess. I even went Christmas shopping with my Steem earnings and bought my best friends some cool gifts this year, but somehow even that didn't do much to lift my spirits and get me to feel this "Christmas spirit" that everyone keeps blabbering on about.

Christmas has always been a time to be with family or friends, just people you love, you know? Yet here I am on Christmas morning 2017, feeling completely alone, with no one to spend it with. I had plans and I was looking forward to them but they fell through at the last minute, and now (understandably so I suppose) none of my friends in the area are responding to my messages. That was basically my last-ditch effort to save Christmas for myself, and believe me when I say that it took a lot of effort for me to even do that.

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You see, I've always been the type of guy who doesn't really ask for help from anyone. I always feel like asking someone for help would be a burden onto them, and the last thing I would ever want is to put someone in a difficult position or make them feel like they have to do something just so that I won't feel sad or whatever. People can reassure me all they like that it wouldn't be a burden, but for whatever reason it's deeply ingrained into my psyche that asking for help with anything instantly translates to being a burden onto others.

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Anyway, it would be so much easier if I could blame my current winter blues on the whole canceled plans thing, but I know that that's not the cause of all this. It was merely the nail in the coffin, I suppose, but I feel like I was already on this trajectory to jump off the Christmas cliff, so to speak. I didn't even participate in Hive account@aggroed's Santagroed thing that he posted about last week, though I'm usually all too down to participate in things like that. I really don't know what it was, but I just have not been feeling very Christmassy this year, and no matter what I do, I can't seem to fix that problem.

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I don't know, guys...I just feel really alone right now and it sucks because I'm not used to feeling this way on Christmas Day. I miss my family. They are over a thousand miles away from me right now, having taken their usual yearly Christmas trip from LA to San Jose to be with the rest of our relatives for Christmas. I haven't even been able to bring myself to call them up and virtually visit with them for a while, because I don't want them to detect that all is not well in my world today. I don't want anyone's Christmas to be anything but good times and good vibes with the people they love most in the world.

I'm so used to today being a day to feast on a table full of ridiculous amounts of food while being around people I love, but as I write this all the stores are closed, too, and I have no food at home that I can even cook for myself, so even that is a change from what I'm used to doing on Christmas. I am home alone and have no extravagant feast to partake in this year. Is this just a part of growing up, realizing how horribly and hopelessly alone we are in this world? Having flown away from the comfortable nest that was mom and dad's home, left to fend for ourselves out in the "real world" and away from our loved ones?

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I don't even know why I'm writing this post, honestly. I guess it's my real last ditch effort to ditch this gloom and doom lonely mood. I've always found that writing helps me process emotions when I don't have anyone to talk to about them. To be clear, I don't blame anyone for the way I'm feeling right now. Things happen. This is just the way I've ended up responding to these circumstances that I've been dealt this year. I honestly don't know at this point if I'm just choosing to feel this way, but all I can say is that I've been trying to lift myself out of this mood and I've been trying several different things to help get me in the Christmas spirit, it's just that none of them worked out.

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It's weird, too, because you'd think with this crazy SBD and STEEM pump that's been going on the past few weeks, and with the money I've been making from it, that I'd be in a better mood this Christmas. You'd think, that with me recently winning a Ledger Nano S from the PayWithSteem raffle, that I would be in a more festive mood today. You'd think, that with my friends getting me such awesome gifts this year, that I'd be more in the mood to be celebrating Christmas today. You'd think, that with me waking up to it being a White Christmas after all, that I'd be ecstatic about today. But for some reason, it just isn't the case.

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In the end, the fact of the matter is that I'm gonna end up spending Christmas Day alone, and there's nothing else I can do about that. I guess, like everything else in life that we have no power over, I just have to accept that fact and move on with my life. Shit happens, right? I'm hoping that this mood doesn't last all day, and that I am able to find some sort of peace at some point today. Until then, I guess I'm gonna do what I always do when I start feeling depressed and alone in this world: watch Doctor Who. Season 5 Episode 10, to be exact, Vincent and The Doctor. That's my go-to episode whenever I start to get into this weird lonely depressed line of thinking. And then I'll probably watch all the Doctor Who Christmas Specials, too.