Thank God Christmas is Over, But It Seems Like My Winter Blues Are ...

It's funny how a single day can have so much power over us and the way we feel. Yesterday was some blip in my system, an anomaly in my daily general good feelings mode. I'm glad that Christmas is finally over with though, and I can move on with my life now.

Christmas this year was the single most depressing experience of my life. Literally none of my usual Christmas traditions happened, and if I hadn't discovered that a nearby Carl's Jr had opened for business later that night, I would have gone my whole Christmas Day without eating anything.

My Christmas wasn't completely a bad experience, though. My best friend was kind enough to swing by and hang out with me for a couple of hours before going back home from his family's Christmas celebrations, and I really appreciated him coming to make sure that I wasn't completely alone on Christmas Day. I felt really bad about it, though, because I was still very deep in my Christmas blues mode, so when he came over I wasn't even able to brighten up that much to keep him entertained and engaged.

I think that's part of the reason why I'm still feeling kind of shitty today, because I feel now more than ever that I really was a burden on him since he made the effort to swing by to check up on me and I didn't match his efforts by trying to be a bit more visibly happy about his visit. I felt really bad that we ended up just sitting around asking each other what we wanted to do for most of the time that he was here.

I don't know if this is just holiday blues or if maybe, some deeper inner depression I've been feeling has just been pushed down and covered up by all my Steem success lately. Maybe it took the holidays to finally resurface those feelings that I have been pushing down? I don't know. All I know is that even today I'm feeling pretty damn lonely. I'm in one of those moods where I want nothing more than to be with my best friends right now, but at the same time I just want to be left alone to wallow in my sorrow on my own because I don't want to bring anyone down or waste their time like I wasted my best friend's time yesterday.

It's even taking me a lot of effort to push out this post today, honestly. I'm trying to get back into the Steem grind and trying to go back to my normal routines, but it's hard for me right now because this ridiculous feeling still plagues my mind. I feel like I'm regressing back into my depressed, lonely, anxiety-ridden paranoia where I am constantly second-guessing everything and overanalyzing the whole world down to everyone's smallest interactions with me. It's a very unhealthy way of living and I really hate that I'm feeling this way again.

I don't know how to fix it, and there's a part of me that members how comfortable it was to just dwell in these feelings...so I think a part of me actually wants to sit in this muck for a while. But the larger part of me wants to get over it and start feeling "normal" again. sigh I really just don't know anymore. This post and my post from yesterday are such a huge departure from what I usually post about, too...so I'm sorry if you guys are expecting my normal content and instead finding this really personal, really emotional post today.

I guess this is just my personal way of processing my emotions when I feel like I can't talk to anyone esle about them, I write them down and share them online in the hopes of making connections virtually when i can't seem to make them in person. Thanks for reading, if you chose to do so all the way. I don't know what else to do now, but I am here to stay.