A few days ago a question was asked on musing.io that struck my curiosity and brought out the latent Mark Twain in me. I provided an answer that I now feel fits quite perfectly for a comedy open mic entry. The question was,
Having been nominated for this by @hiddenblade--about a thousand years ago before the period of the Great Fork--I now present to you, without further ado, my comedy open mic entry:
Retracing the Hands of History: Saving Humanity From Chaos and Utter Annihilation and Even More Utter Humiliation,
Allow me to begin by drawing our attentions to the fact that some terrible, terrible shits have happened in the history of homo sapiens. Shits that make you just want to throw up and go live in a cave or something. Anything to reclaim the sanity of that era when man wasn't so depraved. He hooted and walked on four legs and beat his chest crazily and he had no wifi, but he wasn't depraved. Maybe a little looney, but not depraved.
Thanks to that question up there I had a chance to consider what would happen if I really could go back to this time; or any time at all in the past, and I realized that while there are a lot of personal shits I'd like to get done - like hang out with Louis and Marie, see the look on my ancestors' face when white people first came to Africa, whoop the teachers that used to whoop me, roast the evil neighborhood brothers who were hellbent on giving my friends and I a case of low self esteem, smash the first strand of atom that made the first DNA with a stone etc. - I'm afraid if I really go back in time I'll choose to do the altruistic thing, and save the world!
Yes, save the world! And how exactly would I do that, you ask? Simple.
1> Where to begin but the first world war itself. See everyone knows that the direct cause of the war was the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand of Austria. But what people don't know is that the assasination had failed at first. And the only reason Old Ferdi was eventually murdered was because one of the assassins got hungry went to buy a sandwich and saw the Archduke. So what I'd do if I go back in time is I'll buy all the sandwiches there are and feed the poor dude before he thinks of going to the store. That way he never sees Ferdinand and millions of lives are saved. I know, I'm awesome like that. I wouldn't even eat any of the sandwich myself.
2> So one time in Ohio in 1895, there were just two cars on a wide road and still the two dumb fucks ran into each other! So what I'll do is I'll go back in time and have a long remonstrtating chat with their driving teachers, and eventually have their training license ceased alltogether. That way the two dumb men would never drive, or would at least have better teachers - and problem solved. World saved!
3> During something called the "Opium War", in the mid 19th century, the Chinese fighters set monkeys on fire and launched them at British ships, hoping it'll cause chaos and disorganization among the British ranks. It didn't really work so well though, and ever since I heard this story I've always felt it was my secret duty to go back and save the monkeys! Because monkeys are adorable!
4> Another one involving animals. In 1979, U.S. President Jimmy Carter was attacked by a giant swimming rabbit. You can imagine the horror, of course. So what I'll do is I'll go save the president from the rabbit, cos what can be more altruistic and world-saving than protecting the leader of the free world from wild giant rabbits. I'd also find out what old Jimmy did to the rabbit, maybe we could settle the case amicably. Dialogue brings world peace yo!
5> Here's a really important one. See, After the announcement of Germany’s surrender during WW2 on radio, twenty two hours later Joseph Stalin addressed the nation of the news. And in the 22 hours between this, so remarkable were the people's celebrations that the entire Russia ran out of Vodka! So what I'd do is I'd go back and partake in this awesome show of chivalry for freedom. How does this save the world you ask? Well I'm not really sure. But something tells me drinking to human freedom saves lives somehow!
6> In 1976, USA launched an operation to cut down a tree. Yes you heard that right. CUT DOWN ONE TREE. The poor tree had the misfortune of being located in the Korean Demilitarized Zone and apparently it was "blocking the view" of the area. So the USA sent in tanks, Special Forces, various vehicles, Tae Kwon Do experts, soldiers with M-16s, grenade launchers, mines, helicopters, artillery, etc., all to cut down a fragging tree. But if I ever go back in time, see, I'll save the tree. I promise I'll save the tree. This is my promise to all my green people out there who fight for mother nature. I promise you I WILL SAVE THE TREE or die trying!!!!
SO YOU SEE, NOT ALL HEROES WEAR CAPE!
Cheers.
End! (or beginning?)